Couples may come to therapy for either of two reasons; the first is that they face a situation of acute distress and conflict. Often it is one partner who drags them into the office. The couple may fight and raise voices or be rude to each other or find themselves in cold wars which get longer each episode. They may be stuck in cycle of criticism, which is a dysfunctional communication style, and a spoiler of satisfying home life. Critical or sarcastic communication also accrues ‘negative interest’ by making a situation progressively bitterer. Frequently one partner complains of the others’ moodiness, and inconsideration and withdrawal from active home life or from emotional relations. Domestic conflict also has a profound and unfortunate impact on children which itself could be the premise to come to therapy. Children who live with disharmony may grow to become socially aggressive or combative, copy unhealthy styles of relationships. Or the opposite effect could occur, where the child becomes a passive, people pleaser, fearing and avoiding confrontation of any kind-with its painful reminders- and consequently not speaking up for themselves, and regularly sucking up frustrations. But, arguably, of greatest concern is that when parents don’t have sholom bayis, it seems to somehow, rob the kids of certain aspects of self-esteem. It seems to leave some level of feeling of personal inadequacy, unworthiness, ultimate unlovability that disallows them to fully accept their own strengths or successes or acceptance of praise. If some of these matters are familiar or resonate with a couple, it may be time for them to see a professional.

But, there are barriers to seeking help. One of the marquis barriers to opting for therapy for a couple is that it seems like surrender or personal failure (or humiliation): other people make it work alone, why can’t we do it ourselves? This however, does not reflect reality. Many people live (and have lived in the past) lives of quiet desperation, suffering and putting on a front. Why should the choices of other people affect your (or anyone’s) decision to make the most of their lives?! The decision to enter marital therapy may just be a pivotal one in the bigger picture of life.

The second reason couples may come to therapy is to get more out of married life. Married life may have hit a plateau, the couple isn’t interested in hurting one another but they aren’t interested in one another either. They’ve grown apart. Of course romantic love has ended, but the expected reminders of it are gone too: The special nights out, the tender little gifts and cards or anticipation of intimacy, the use of secret language and even the generosity in conversation have evaporated. So, like any individual facing uncertainty, or crossroads in life, the couple may come in for an inventory-to take stock and assess married life. Can they possibly be more happy or satisfied with their situation, can they make changes, can they bring to the surface the resentments that have built up over the years and have been brushed under the carpet for convenience? Can they rebuild love, and mutual pride? So, increasingly couples are not coming only for runaway crisis or significant breakdowns, but also for tune-ups and the desire to get more from life.

It is important to be aware that the process of treatment has many levels of benefit: In therapy, couples are able to express themselves without being interrupted and maybe even validated by their partner for the first time. The therapist helps them learn tools of effective communication, focuses them on their own personal goals, asks them about what brought them together in the first place and helps them implement strategies to reduce tension and increase emotional bonds. And, like in any psychotherapy, the very act of breaking through the barriers to seeing a professional, the act of seeking help, making a move, venting frustrations, entering a space free of being judged, can itself instill a sense of hope, empowerment and motivation.

One of the things I sometimes tell new clients is that therapy isn’t necessarily to fix what is broken, but to fine tune the strengths they already have toward a better experience. I give them the example of two car owners who go to the mechanic, one with an old jalopy one with a Rolls Royce. The one with the old car comes when things are broken and needs to get rolling again, but the owner of the Rolls comes to get tune ups; he may even do so frequently, because he believes in and loves his vehicle. We don’t always need to see therapy as a repair, it is often just a service call, a tune up because we believe that the life and the marriage Hashem gave us is a Rolls Royce. And this also implies that many more couples, (maybe most of us) should check in with a professional periodically, as we all want the best ride and mileage from life! Indeed, many couples have aspects of each of the two aforementioned groups that should lead them into therapy.