I want to let you know that I tried some of the things you suggested. One of them was what you said about, “don’t get him to do something, help him to do something.” I have found that we get a lot more done when I work with him instead of telling him what to do and trying to get him to do it. Another thing you told me that’s been really helpful was to think about letting him play with something for five more minutes when I’m ready to leave instead of saying, “we need to leave now, put that down and come with me.” I remember your saying to me that I should think about how long five minutes seems to him to play with his toy, versus how long five minutes is for me to delay my shopping trip. For him, five minutes is a very long time, and as you pointed out, he can’t comprehend postponing playing with the toy for an hour until we get back. I can plan to leave five minutes later and let him know when we’re going to leave in five minutes instead of just letting him know when I want to leave right now. I’m so glad you told me how to think about that, because I see that now he is usually willing to come with me after his five minutes of play. I had never realized before how important that five minutes is for him and how easy it is for me.

I very much appreciated that mom’s feedback. I’m sharing it with you because it illustrates something I’ve been reading about recently. According to social scientists, fostering empathy – the ability to identify with another person’s feelings –is crucial to good parenting. Which raises two questions: can you teach someone empathy, and with how young a child is empathy helpful? Ariella just confirmed for me that yes, you can teach someone empathy. She reported back that I had successfully taught her how to empathize with her son. And it’s helpful for very young children. The child she was referring to is two years old. Her empathic epiphany was of great help to him. When she realized how much the immediate five minutes of play he means to him, and how painful it is for him to lose the opportunity to play with a toy (that he cannot envision taking place just one hour later), she chose to accommodate him. When Ariella’s empathy taught her how much those five minutes meant to her child, she realized how relatively little they mattered to her, and she postponed their shopping trip.

Ariella learned how to empathize, and she saw the value it had for her and her child, even though he’s too young to express empathy in return.   In a child not very much older, you can cultivate empathy. The most effective way to foster empathy in your child is to model it. In order to model it, you need to know what it is. Here are some definitions.

Empathy is engaged detachment. You "borrow" another's feelings to observe, feel, and understand them--but not to take them onto yourself. By being a participant-observer, you come to understand how the other person feels. An empathetic observer enters into the equation and then removes himself.

James T Hardee, MD, in the Fall 2003 issue of the Permanente Journal, described empathy as “a balanced curiosity leading to a deeper understanding of another human being; stated another way, empathy is the capacity to understand another person's experience from within that person's frame of reference. “

Dr. Hardee also quoted Columbia University psychiatrist Alberta Szalita who wrote, "[empathy is] consideration of another person's feelings and readiness to respond to his [or her] needs ... without making his [or her] burden one's own." I appreciate her expanding the concept of empathy from internal experience to motivator of responsive, caring behavior.

I’m sure that you are a responsive, caring parent, yet I’m pretty sure that you don’t always express and act upon empathy toward your child. What gets in your way? Here, paraphrased, are some answers to that question:

I don’t have enough time to give empathy.

It is not relevant; I'm too busy focusing on the problem.

Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me.

I don't want to open that Pandora's box.

I haven't had enough training in empathetic communication.

I'm concerned that if I use up all my empathy on one child I won't have anything left for the rest of my family.

I think some of those answers are very good and some may be hard to address. And I think that each of those concerns is worth addressing because empathy is a skill to master and teach.

A fascinating study showed that empathy can be taught by someone even younger than the age of two. How much younger? Quite a bit younger; a two month old baby! Let me share with you some excerpts from an article that appeared in the New York Times last November. It was entitled “Fighting Bullying With Babies.”

It seems that it’s not only possible to make people kinder, it’s possible to do it systematically at scale – at least with school children. That’s what one organization based in Toronto called Roots of Empathy has done. Researchers have found that the program increases kindness and acceptance of others and decreases negative aggression.

Here’s how it works: Roots arranges monthly class visits by a mother and her baby (who must be between two and four months old at the beginning of the school year). Each month, for nine months, a trained instructor guides a classroom using a standard curriculum that involves three 40-minute visits – a pre-visit, a baby visit, and a post-visit. The program runs from kindergarten to seventh grade.

Next week, G-d willing, we’ll see how Roots of Empathy works, and we’ll find the source in Chumash for the value of empathy. Then we’ll address some of the specific concerns we listed above that can make it hard for caring, responsive parents to be empathic.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men’s and women’s parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.