While speaking to a client this week, I caught myself about to say something that I generally don't say: "I know you're in pain, BUT... think of all the good things in your life." In general, it IS good to focus on positive things, but I think that phrasing it like that invalidates the person's pain, essentially telling them that they should ignore the pain because they have many other blessings. 

I don't believe that wallowing in one's pain is the key to happiness by any means, but with Thanksgiving articles and decorations everywhere- and now with Chanukah coming up- I thought a lot about how one can be thankful without telling themselves that their pain isn't painful. 

There are a million answers to this and everyone would probably say something else, but I think there are a few keys to doing this:

1. Be thankful for the good AND the bad.

Even though nobody likes pain (except masochists perhaps), pain is inevitable. Everyone feels pain at some point, whether physical or emotional; it's non-negotiable. It's counterintuitive to be thankful for somethnig you didn't ask for and things that you definitely don't want- i.e. sickness, heartbreak, family issues, etc., but when asked later how people cope with seemingly impossible situations, this is often part of the answer. 

If you pick up one of the million self-help books at Barnes & Noble or watch a film about someone who had cancer, they all have a pretty similar storyline: their lives changed and they now appreciate life and the people they love to a greater extent than they ever believed to be possible. The reason, however, was not because they had a smooth, pain-free life, they all say that it was the pain that made them stronger. My caveat: this doesn't make it any easier or less painful, but we need to realize that pain really can strengthen us. Viktor Frankl, who is oft quoted these days, wrote: "Between stimulus and response, we have the power to choose." He went through the horrors of the Holocaust and came out still believeing that. The stimulus in this case, is pain. His point, though, is that it doesn't need to automatically lead to suffering. 

2. Be specific.

To me, it never really felt genuine to make a gratitude list with the "generic" blessings like: family, friends, health, a job, etc. Yes, I should be beyond grateful to have these things and they should not be taken for granted, but for me, that never worked well. What works for me is to get specific. What about my health am I grateful for? Maybe that day and night, my lungs work automatically, pumping oxygen to my heart and the rest of my body, without my doing a thing. Maybe that even when I eat junk food I shouldn't be eating, my body digests it properly. That I can taste it. That I don't choke on it. Or that when I get a paper cut, I can feel the pain so acutely because my sensory neurons work properly. It sounds crazy, but that's what keeps kids from burning themselves on a burning hot stove or developing frost bite. 

3. Don't try to push away the pain. 

If I told you right now, "Don't imagine an elephant", the first thing that will pop into your mind will inevitably be an elephant of some sort. It sounds obvious, but we do this all the time when we tell ourselves not to think about something, not to let something bother us, etc. When a person tells themselves, "Don't be sad", it generally does not work, as much as they may want it to. When you're feeling sad, just let it be, try not to wallow in it, and it'll pass on it's own. Trying to push it away does nothing but make it stronger, so try to give yourself space to feel it and move forward when you're ready.