By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, Marriage and Family Therapist

Life is full of stories about teenagers having difficulty making it through adolescence.
However, parenting teens - even teens who are at risk - doesn't have to be such a daunting task when parents are willing to focus more on the relationship and less on getting immediate results. Building the relationship is the key to reaching teens who are at risk.

I understand why most parents feel confused about how to deal with a teenager who veers "off the path." It often comes as a shock when it's your child who is swept into a counter culture that seems to affect more teenagers every day. The "at-risk" phenomenon seems to be everywhere. Although the exact number of teens at risk is unknown, some estimate that the trend touches about one in four religious families. I believe that the numbers are even greater. The problem likely digs much further into Jewish society than most rabbis, educators, and parents would like to admit.

But what or who is to blame for the at-risk phenomenon? Some suggest that the problem originates in our schools; others maintain that dysfunctional homes are "ground zero" for risky behavior because kids miss out on key emotional ingredients such as love, caring, and parental stability.

Conventional wisdom points to the rapidly deteriorating standards in Western media. Today's television shows, movies, and Internet sites are filled with inappropriate and self-destructive images that are having a negative impact on teenagers and are fueling the at-risk crisis.

However, another possible way of viewing the at-risk phenomenon is that in actuality, it does not exist. Adolescents have always rebelled against the traditions of their parents. The drop out rate among Orthodox Jews is similar to drop out rates in other religious groups who try to maintain higher social and religious standards than the societies they live within.

The theories go on and on, but the problem in our communities and homes continues unabated. David, age sixteen, for example, was a client I saw over a six-month period. Like most of my clients, David came from a traditional orthodox home and attended a yeshiva in the New York City area. School was always an emotional battleground for David, his teachers, and his parents.

According to David's parents, in fourth grade David started having trouble sitting still in class. He would speak out of turn, disrupt the class, and act in inappropriate ways. He didn't like Chumash and his mind would constantly wander. Instead of focusing on school work, he would daydream about video games, movies, and his favorite sports teams. Finding it difficult to concentrate in class was only the beginning of David's problems. In fifth grade, he started getting into fights with his classmates and often received detention for bad behavior. Overall, David was an unhappy and slightly withdrawn child who was about to enter a five-year rollercoaster ride with his parents, principals and teachers.

Since David was doing poorly in school, his parents decided to send him to a school that specialized in working with teens in crisis. Although his behavior seemed better for a few months, most of David's previous problems remained. He still couldn't sit in class, he didn't like his new friends, and he began to act out.

David lasted in that school for two years, but he was still unhappy. In fact, the situation got so bad that his principal asked David to leave the school.

At the same time, home was a living nightmare for his parents. The boy they had raised to be a well-behaved Shomer Shabbos mentsch had turned out to be a loud, unappreciative, and angry teenager. David was in trouble, and his parents were unable to deal with his emotional distress or figure out what to do next.

Their next step was to call their friends, cousins, and rabbis, hoping they would have some insight into the problem. The most common piece of advice they gave was to send David away or put him in a remedial program. However, David's parents weren't sure what they wanted to do. The tension in the house had become unbearable.

David needed help and his parents needed answers. Most importantly, David's parents needed to know that some glimmer of hope existed, a light at the end of the tunnel that would change their son's life.

Desperate and impatient for a solution, David's parents asked me what the "pill" was for at risk behavior. I suggested to them that the pill, in most cases, is for parents to start focusing on their relationship with their teenager. I call this novel yet remarkably simple idea "Relationship Theory," which places priority on the power and impact that a good relationship can have upon children, both young and adolescent alike.

According to Relationship Theory, the greater the relationship, the greater the ability parents have to connect to their teenager. Another way of stating this is

I = QR

where the impact (I) a parent can have is directly proportional to the quality of the relationship (QR) that a parent develops with the teenager.

After all, what better present can parents give than that of themselves? Nothing can beat the pleasure of a true and loving human relationship, a factor that is often overlooked in the increasingly complex and pressurized world in which we live.

The findings of various studies on parent-teen relationships have supported the concept of Relationship Theory. A comprehensive research brief published by Child Trends, entitled Parent-Teen Relationships and Interactions Far More Positive Than Not, showed a direct correlation between the quality of the parent-teen relationship and the impact the relationship has on a teenager's life.

The research showed that positive and warm parent-child relationships were associated with more positive childhood and youth outcomes. Conversely, relationships that were less positive and warm were linked to less desirable childhood and youth outcomes. This pattern persisted across diverse populations, regions, and even countries.

The research brief revealed that

• "Children and teens who have positive relationships with their parents tend to have better academic outcomes."

• "Good relations between parents and adolescents lessen the likelihood that teens will exhibit problem behaviors."

• "High-quality parent-adolescent relationships have been linked repeatedly to mental, social, and emotional well-being in adolescents and youth."

• "Better quality adult child-parent relationships have been associated with lower levels of psychological distress among both adult children and parents."

• "Close relationships with parents during childhood and adolescence have been positively associated with adult children's self-esteem, happiness, and life satisfaction."

• "Positive mental and physical health in adulthood is positively associated with recollections of early parental support."

Building the relationship is often one of the most overlooked aspects of parenting teenagers; yet clearly, as the evidence suggests, the relationship is the key to managing a teenager's at-risk behavior and restoring confidence in the family unit.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is a Marriage and Family Therapist, Executive Director of Shalom Task Force, and author of "At Risk - Never Beyond Reach" and "First Aid for Jewish Marriages." To order a copies visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com. For appointments please call 646-428-4723 or email rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

1. Reduce their criticism of Chaim's behavior and instead, focus on their relationship.

2. Spend quality time with Chaim by going on enjoyable trips to places of his choice.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch is the executive director of Shalom Task Force and author of a new book about parenting teenagers, called At Risk -Never Beyond Reach: Three Principles Every Parentand Educator Should Know. He maintains a practice in family counseling and is a popular lecturer on parenting and relationships. You can visit Rabbi Schonbuch on the web at

or e-mail questions to him at

.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA

Is Internet addiction the main cause of today's at-risk crisis for teenagers? It's a topic most people shy away from, but one that our society needs to address. Every day more and more teens are getting hooked on the Internet and the effect of surfing may be taking its toll on them.

There's no question that Internet use among teens is on the rise. The Internet has quickly become the number one medium of entertainment that occupies our children's attention. Worse, not only are teens spending one to several hours a day surfing the web, the content they view has become progressively more violent and contains more explicit material than ever before.

According to a study of 1,500 youths, ages 10 to 17, by the U.S. Department of Justice's Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention:

·More than one-third of youth Internet users (34%) saw "inappropriate" material online they did not want to see.

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·The increase in exposure to unwanted material occurred despite increased use of filtering, blocking, and monitoring software in households of young Internet users.

·Online harassment of youth has increased by 9% over the last five years.

·Twenty-eight per cent of solicited youth said an incident left them feeling very or extremely upset and in one-quarter of all solicitation incidents, youth had one or more symptoms of stress, including staying away from the Internet or a particular part of it, being unable to stop thinking about the incident, feeling jumpy or irritable, and/or losing interest in things.

These statistics should sound an alarm for parents concerned about their children's development. Here's why: For many teens, surfing the Internet has become an addiction, and like all other addictions, teens who use the Internet in excess may require a therapeutic approach that can wean them away from this form of self-destructive behavior.

I know it may take a slight leap of creativity to connect overuse of the Internet to drug abuse, but here are the similarities: As in addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or caffeine, Internet addiction is marked by symptoms of increased tolerance, withdrawal, mood changes, and interruption of social relationships.

Children and adolescents who have become addicted to the Internet will require increasing amounts of time online in order to feel satisfied. When they do not have access to the Internet, they may have symptoms of withdrawal, which include anxiety, depression, irritability, trembling hands, restlessness and obsessive thinking or fantasizing about the Internet.

Independent of the depressing effects of excessive Internet use, the most devastating impact of Internet addiction may be the decreased amount of quality time teenagers spend with their parents. Just as in other addictions, the Internet addict may suffer from emotional and physical isolation from his or her friends and family and therefore spend little time involved in healthy relationships, which are the basis for positive emotional development.

As I outlined in my book "At Risk - Never Beyond Reach," the lack of quality time spent with parents may also be the most significant factor leading to at-risk behavior. In fact, I once asked a group of high school juniors and seniors at a well-known Jewish day school what they felt were the most important issues teens face. Following are the students' answers according to their own ranking, starting with the most important:

·Disappointment and anger with parents

·Dislike of teachers

·The intense desire to be accepted and fit in with friends

·The desire to be adults and the fact that they were still under parents' control

·The internal pressures of trying to develop and act on personal values as opposed to those of parents and friends

·The powerful forces of media encouraging experimentation with sex and alcohol

·The enormous physical and psychological changes that occur at this time of life

Surprisingly, issues like physical changes, peer pressure, and drug use were placed low on the students' list, whereas the issues of poor relationships with their parents and teachers were ranked highest. In general, these teenagers seemed alienated from their parents and felt that their teachers had somehow let them down.

Add to this teenager's sense of isolation from parents and family members, and the connection between Internet use and the at-risk crisis becomes more and more apparent.

Study after study show that a strong parent-teen relationship is the key to addressing the at-risk crisis. The Internet may be a major culprit pushing teenagers further away from maintaining healthy relationships with their parents.

For example, a comprehensive research brief was published by Child Trends, entitled Parent-Teen Relationships and Interactions Far More Positive Than Not. It showed a direct correlation between the quality of the parent-teen relationship and the impact that relationship has on a teenager's life.

Similar conclusions were also reached by two other studies. A Columbia University study in September 2002, found that "isolation from parents make affluent students more likely to become depressed, and to smoke, drink and abuse drugs."

The National Institute on Drug Abuse 1999 study showed that "Family-focused programs have been found to significantly reduce all the major risk domains and increase protective processes" and that "even those [families] with indicated 'hard-core' problems can benefit from family-strengthening strategies."

In addition to the damage the Internet may cause to family relationships, excessive Internet usage may also be masking more difficult problems that teenagers face. It may therefore be necessary to seek outside help for a child with Internet addiction.

Next week, we'll discuss strategies that can help parents wean their teenagers off the Internet.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch is the executive director of Shalom Task Force and author of a new book about parenting teenagers called At Risk- Never Beyond Reach: Three Principles Every Parentand Educator Should Know . He maintains a practice in family counseling and is a popular lecturer on parenting and relationships. You can visit Rabbi Schonbuch on the Web at www.neverbeyondreach.org or e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

Internet use and abuse may be one of the greatest challenges facing parents today. As I outlined in my last column (Feb. 2, 2007) it's not that the Internet is directly causing Jewish teenagers to go "off the derech." Rather, it's the powerful distraction of Internet surfing that is disrupting the most important factor influencing adolescent behavior - spending quality time together with one's parents and siblings.

In this way, Internet use stands in a long line of activities such as videos and computer games and forms of entertainment, that are disturbing family life and interrupting positive social interaction.

As Rabbi Abraham Twerski points out in the introduction to my book, At Risk - Never Beyond Reach, "It has been shown that the single most effective intervention for the widest variety of teen and adolescent problems was also the easiest, speediest, and least expensive: The implementation of family mealtimes."

This is because family mealtime fosters relationships. If your child is spending the entire evening surfing the web, then there's no way he is gaining the positive benefits of quality time with his family.

And how much Internet use is too much? Parents can ask the following questions that can be answered in one of three possible ways: rarely, frequently, or always:

· How often do they find that they stay online longer than they intended?

· How often do they form new relationships with unknown, fellow online users?

· How often do their grades suffer because of the amount of time they spend online?

· How often do they find themselves anticipating when they will go online again?

· How often do they choose to spend more time online rather than going out with others?

If they answer "frequently" or "always" to at least four out of the five questions, then it may be a sign that they are hooked into the Internet and could use some help to wean themselves away from constant use.

How can parents break the addiction? Here are some suggestions that may change the frequency and duration of time your child spends online.

The first suggestion is for parents to end their child's isolation and check up on them every 15 minutes to see what they are watching. They can also surf together with the child on various sites and turn "alone" time into "family" time. Better yet, parents and children can work on a joint project.

A creative idea is to "Google" your family name and explore your genealogy. Another may be to plan a family trip together and look for places and special deals online. The trick is to come up with something fun and engaging that places both you and your child in the same environment.

While you sit together in front of the computer screen, you could casually discuss some of the dangers of the Internet and the sites that may be damaging to their emotional wellbeing. A good place to start is to discuss the dangers of chat rooms and to speak openly about who may be online and what possible predators may be looking for.

Another helpful strategy is to gently wean your child away from the Internet. If, for example, your child surfs two hours a night, you can make the first move by saying, "I think surfing every night for two hours is too much. You can keep on surfing, but from now on you can pick three nights a week if you want to go online. Which night do you prefer? It's your choice."

You don't have to abruptly cut off all Internet use; rather you can start by limiting their constant exposure and empower them with a choice of when they want to be online.

Many parents seem apprehensive about butting in on their teen's computer time. I have found however, that when someone is hooked online and asked to cut back, they may be reluctant initially, but in the end they will be thankful to you for reducing their dependence. Often teens get carried away and will appreciate someone who can help them renew their sense of balance and proportion.

By far, the most effective tool against Internet addiction is to schedule quality time with your child away from the computer. That means parents should schedule a "date" with their teens each week where they spend enjoyable time together. Taking a walk together to the park, going out to eat, ice skating, volunteering, doing chesed, learning a hobby, or just throwing a ball around, are some of the activities that make life fun and bind families together.

When life gets hectic and time is limited, you can spend a few minutes alone just schmoozing in a quiet room of your house - without a computer or video screen. Most importantly during your "dates," try to talk about matters that they think are important. What matters most is to give your teenager a feeling that he or she is the most important person in the world.

These moments of relationship building can give your child the proper amount of emotional nourishment needed to end their dependence and wean themselves off the addictive effects of the Internet.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch is the executive director of Shalom Task Force and the author of a new book about parenting teenagers called At Risk - Never Beyond Reach: Three Principles Every Parent and Educator Should Know . He maintains a practice in family counseling and is a popular lecturer on parenting and relationships. You can visit Rabbi Schonbuch on the Web at www.neverbeyondreach.org or e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

Dear Rabbi Schonbuch,

My daughter is plugged into her iPod every waking hour. It's making my husband and me crazy. How can we get her to stop listening to her secular music? I feel like breaking her iPod or just throwing it out when she's not home. We believe it's ruining her neshamah and we don't know what to do.

Yours truly,

A.J.

Brooklyn

Dear A.J.,

I can just imagine how frustrated you feel that your daughter, who could spend quality time reading books, learning Torah or interacting with your family, has decided to isolate herself and listen to the worst of secular music all day. Some teenagers think that the most important choice in their lives is "loud or louder." But there are alternatives to trashing an object that your daughter enjoys so much.

Responding to inappropriate iPod use is difficult. As a concerned parent, you are fighting a massive consumer electronics industry that aims to capture your teenager's money and attention for as long as possible. Music, a big part of this electronics industry, is also one of the most inspirational forms of fine art. In its rhythm, melody and variety of sounds, music transmits many exciting feelings and sensations. Its power is in its ability to penetrate our souls and manipulate our feelings. Depending on its content, music can evoke the most elevated and noble feelings or produce quite the opposite by arousing self-destructive or impulsive thoughts.

Many teenagers choose to listen to bands and songs that are off limits to their parents. This music may be too loud, may contain jarring or violent lyrics, or may be taboo for other reasons. Changing teenagers' listening habits is, therefore, a significant challenge. It's important, however, not to directly confront your daughter on this issue, since there's nothing worse than a power struggle that you will inevitably lose. Rather, as I outline in my book, At Risk - Never Beyond Reach, the first step in solving this problem is to understand why your teenager chooses to listen to secular music and then to fulfill that need in a wholesome manner.

For teenagers, a possible issue behind listening to secular music is the desire to control their environment. Don't forget that an iPod allows the listener to choose from endless lists of music that can be downloaded from the Internet or from friends' computers. Each song represents a choice about one's preferences in bands, music and the clique of friends who share the same tastes. When your daughter listens to her "i"Pod, she is saying, "'I' can choose just about anything 'I' want."

Wanting to make one's own choices is a natural part of growing up. As children move from infancy into middle childhood and adolescence, they increasingly want to make their own choices, especially when selecting friends, clothing and music. To fulfill this desire to control, parents need to find ways to safely empower teens without allowing them to make dangerous choices. Teens can be offered opportunities to choose safely when buying clothing, planning family trips or selecting their birthday presents. Although some decisions seem inconsequential, what matters is the overall feeling teenagers get when given the power to choose.

Let me give you an example of how you can wholesomely fulfill a teenager's need for control. I once counseled a family whose oldest child had trouble sitting for long at the Shabbos table. As the first born, he seemed to have a strong desire for control and felt too old to sit with his younger brothers and sisters. I suggested to his father that he make his son a partner in running the Shabbos meal. In part, this meant turning over some responsibility, such as giving out treats to the other children for good behavior. Almost immediately, this teenager felt empowered at the table and was more willing to participate in and enjoy the family experience. He was given an innocent way to fulfill his need for control. This reduced the power struggle that had been going on for some time at the Shabbos table.

Other possible relationship-based strategies include:

·Encouraging your teenager's talents in music, art or athletics, and helping your teen find other ways to express her individuality.

·Giving your teenager a monthly allowance to buy Jewish music at a local Judaica store and giving her access to a library containing Jewish music.

·Becoming conversant in the latest trends in Jewish music and talking to your teenager about popular CDs.

Although your daughter prefers to "plug in, turn on and cop out," you can make a positive difference by offering her alternatives that will enhance her life while enriching her relationship with you.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch is the executive director of Shalom Task Force and author of a new book about parenting teenagers titled, At Risk -Never Beyond Reach: Three Principles Every Parentand Educator ShouldKnow . He maintains a practice in family counseling and is a popular lecturer on parenting and relationships. You can visit Rabbi Schonbuch on the web at www.neverbeyondreach.org or e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

Dear Rabbi Schonbuch,

I have a 15-year-old daughter with whom I just got into a screaming match because she didn't do the dishes. She's often very rude to my husband and me. Asking her to behave better in the house is like pulling teeth. What should we do?

Sincerely,

B.F., Toronto

Dear B.F.,

Picture this scenario: you come home after work to a messy house, dinner is still not on the stove, and your 15-year-old daughter was caught setting fire to a shop-room table in school today and was suspended for the rest of the week. Worse, she is angry with you for forgetting to pick up the dress she needs for a wedding tonight. But instead of reminding you politely, she digs into you in the most rude and demanding way possible.

Many parents might lose their tempers and yell at their kids. At the same time, they're wondering how they will punish their children for being so rotten.

Discipline has never been simple. From time immemorial, parents have puzzled over how to discipline their children. Although there are different ways to go, two distinct approaches have dominated parenting techniques for the last 40 years: free love versus tough love. The free love movement says we need to give our children the utmost leeway to behave without consequences, whereas tough love advocates say we need to define stricter borders and limit our children's behavior - or else.

I suggest parents take a third approach to discipline. According to the principles of Relationship Theory that I outline in my book, At Risk - Never Beyond Reach, discipline needs to be evaluated in terms of the overall relationship. If parents have invested time and energy deepening the emotional bonds with their teenagers, they will have the emotional equity needed for discipline to work and be lovingly accepted.

For discipline to work parents need to constantly invest in their teenagers' emotional bank accounts, by developing the relationships and making emotional deposits daily. Such deposits include spending quality time together, highlighting teens' good points, and boosting their self-worth.

The opposite is also true. Every time parents harshly criticize or berate their teenagers, they are actually making withdrawals from their teens' emotional savings accounts. Parents, therefore, need to constantly invest in their relationships in order to have the emotional collateral needed to make a difference.

To see if you are making sufficient deposits or withdrawing too many emotional savings, I suggest you follow what I call the "Ten Commandments of Communication."

This is how it works. On one tablet are five "Thou Shalt Nots," and on the other tablet five "Thou Shalts." Both sides are equally important. The Thou Shalt Nots represent the types of words that can destroy relationships, whereas the Thou Shalts can improve relationships and bring teenagers and parents closer together.

The "Ten Commandments of Communication" are as follows: Thou Shalt Not insult, judge, blame, insinuate or embarrass; and Thou Shalt compliment, accept, encourage, empathize and find the good in your teen.

Take a moment to review your relationship with your teenager. Are your words accepting, friendly, compassionate and understanding? Or are they critical, aggressive, insulting or belittling? Parents need to make sure they are always outweighing the Thou Shalt Nots with the Thou Shalts. So the next time you walk through the door and feel overwhelmed by your teenager's behavior, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is what you are about to say going to bring her closer or will it push her further away?

2. Have you spent quality time making deposits in your emotional savings account?

3. Is yelling really going to make a positive difference or is it just a way of discharging your frustration and anger?

You have every right to calmly discuss with your daughter how degrading and disrespectful you find it when she speaks to you in a rude and demanding manner. In the long run, however, relationship-based discipline will help you motivate her in a loving and supportive way devoid of coercion. Always remember that teenagers can't be pushed to change, but they may be gently pulled in the right direction.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch is the executive director of Shalom Task Force and the author of a new book about parenting teenagers, At Risk - NeverBeyond Reach: Three Principles Every Parent and Educator Should Know . He maintains a practice in family counseling, and is a popular lecturer on parenting and relationships. You can visit Rabbi Schonbuch on the web at www.neverbeyondreach.org or e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.