Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Koheles  (7:20)  makes a cryptic statement: adam ain tzadik ba’aretz asher ya-aseh tov v’lo yech-eta, there is no one who is a tzadik who does well and never sins.

 

Rav Yudin, in Koheles Rabbah, asks how can it be that Koheles describes someone as a tzadik and at the same time describes him as someone who commits sins.  His answer is that we are mistranslating the word yech-eta.  It doesn’t always mean sinning.  He brings a text from Shoftim to show that the word can also mean to ‘miss the mark, to fail.’  Rav Yudin says that Koheles is teaching us that a tzadik who does well is not perfect; he fails sometimes, and he is still a tzadik.

 

Greatness is not measured by how seldom you fall.  It’s measured by how often you rise.  You don’t become a tzadik by achieving perfection.  You become a tzadik by overcoming imperfection, again and again.

 

Unfortunately, we and our children sometimes get the impression that gedolim and tzadikim were born that way and never faltered.  Stories and books that portray gedolim without any description of how they became the paradigms of Torah and middos we wish to emulate, can lead us to despair.  We, who know we how often we fall, despair of ever rising to their heights. 

 

Rav Hutner, z’l, heard this despair in the words of one of his talmidim.  He responded in a letter.  Here, paraphrased, are some excerpts.

 

We tell the stories of their perfection but skip over the struggles that raged within their souls.  We depict them as though they had been created with their stature and character [as we know them].  We are all in awe at the purity of speech of the Chofetz Chaim, z.t.l., but who knows of the battles, struggles and obstacles, the falls and the set-backs that the Chofetz Chaim encountered in his war with his yetzer hara.

 

The result of this is that when a young man of spirit, of desire, of enthusiasm, finds himself stumbling, falling, declining, he believes himself unworthy of dwelling in Hashem’s home¦ But know, my beloved one, that the root of your soul lies not in the tranquility of the yetzer hatov; it lies only in the battles of the yetzer hatov¦ In English there is an expression, ‘lose a battle, win the war.’  Truly you have stumbled, and you will stumble, (and this is not a concern of opening one’s mouth to Satan), and in many battles you will fall defeated¦

 

The wisest of men said, ‘Seven shall a tzadik fall, and rise.’  The fools think that this means that a tzadik can fall seven times and will rise. The wise understand well that this means that the making of a tzadik is the result of the seven times he has fallen. (Quoted in Tuvcha Yabe-u, Chukkas, page 104)

 

The Tiferes Yisrael [Kiddushin 4:77] tells the story of an Arabian king who had heard wondrous things about his contemporary, Moshe Rabeinu.  The king sent his finest artist to Moshe Rabeinu to paint his portrait.  The artist returned with the painting, and the king summoned his wisest men to interpret from the visage what this great man is truly like.  They all agreed that the face in the portrait depicted a person of low character, arrogant, money-hungry, and callous.

 

The king was furious.  He assumed that either his wisest men were actually fools, unable to read a person’s character, or that his finest artist had failed to accurately depict Moshe Rabeinu in the painting thus misleading the wise men.  He wanted to know who had failed him.

 

The king traveled to the camp of the Jews, to see Moshe Rabeinu for himself.  As he rode near, he saw Moshe Rabeinu from a distance, yet close enough to see that the likeness rendered by his royal artist was strikingly accurate.  He respectfully approached Moshe Rabeinu, explained what had happened and why he had come, and that he now realized that his physiognomists were either complete frauds or had chosen to deceive him about Moshe Rabeinu.

 

Moshe Rabeinu told him his suspicions were unfounded; the portrait is an accurate depiction, and the physiognomists’ interpretation is correct.  ‘I am not ashamed to tell you that all of the failings that your wise men discerned in me are bound up in me by nature¦ I, with great strength have harnessed them and turned them into their opposites, a second nature.  And that is why I have respect and honor in the heavens above and on the earth below.’

 

Perhaps Rav Hutner would have been pleased to read:

 

‘The world renowned Rosh HaYeshiva, Rav Moshe Feinstein, was known for his pleasant demeanor; even in the most provocative of situations he would avoid an angry response.

When a yeshiva student questioned him about his serenity however, he made it clear that the quality was not easy to attain, or even natural, to him.  ‘It is years that I have worked on perfecting this trait,’ he said.’ (Ramban: A Letter for the Ages, Artscroll 1989, page 31)

 

You, as a parent, are not, and will never be perfect.  Your struggles may be difficult, but they are signs of growth, not defeat.  The same is true for your children.   During the times of struggle, how do you sustain your optimism, or at least stave off despair?

 

On a good day, be in the goodness; and on a bad day, see.  (Koheles 7:14) 

See what?  See, on a difficult day, what you were able to accomplish on the successful days.  Let that be a source of reassurance that you will do better again.  (Likutei Oros page 25 note 16)

 

We tend to notice failure and gloss over success, in ourselves, and in our children.

 

Slow down and pay attention to the words of guidance you have spoken gently, reassurance you have given, a smile you have shared.  You do well, and you deserve to notice it.  You will continue to notice when you do poorly, but it will be a reminder that you have to keep getting up, not a frightening confirmation that you never stand tall.  Noticing how often you do well makes it possible to succeed at failing.

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575. ...

Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

What are the laws of drinking on Purim? With whom should you be drinking on Purim? Where should you be drinking on Purim? How much should you be drinking on Purim? What do you say to someone who offers to drive you on Purim and you know they’ve been drinking? What do you do when there’s peer pressure on you to drink after you’ve decided not to?

You as a parent may have different sets of answers to these questions. When you make a decision for yourself together with your spouse, the answers may be very different from what you say to your child about how you want him to behave on Purim.

Here’s a recent conversation between a child and his mother:

“My rebbe told us that it’s a mitzvah to drink on Purim, so now I’m going to.”

“Naftali, I told you I do not want you to drink anything alcoholic on Purim. Just because you’re bar mitzvah doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to drink, ever, until I tell you it’s okay. I am telling you again, I expect you not to drink at all on Purim.”

“I don’t have to listen to you because we learned that if your mother tells you not to do a mitzvah you shouldn’t listen to her, and rebbe said it is a mitzvah for us to drink on Purim.”

This may sound like a very difficult situation for this mom. What is she supposed to do at this point?

I would imagine it’s a very difficult situation for Naftali, too. Do you really think he doesn’t care about what his mother wants for him, doesn’t care that she is concerned about him and may be disappointed and upset with him if he doesn’t meet her expectation? Do you think Naftali is saying to himself, “Now that I told Mom what the law is and why I don’t have to listen to her she’ll be perfectly fine with my drinking on Purim”?

I think that even if Naftali says he is pleased with his victory and looking forward to drinking on Purim, he is not really at peace with defying his mother. How is Naftali supposed to know what do?

That’s why it’s not about Purim. It’s about putting Naftali into an even more difficult position than teenagers find themselves in every day. They are faced with decisions that force them to choose between meeting their parents’ expectations and giving in to the pressure of their peers. How much more difficult must it be for a child to have to choose between complying with his parents and complying with his teacher.

Naftali only has to choose between his rebbe and his parents one day a year; it appears as though it’s only about Purim for him.

For others, the problem is more ongoing. It’s not about Purim for a child growing up in a non-observant home while attending a religious Jewish school. He or she learns the importance of mitzvos in school, but goes home to see them ignored or ridiculed. Sometimes children find themselves in this quandary when a divorced parent becomes non-observant. In these situations, it is clear to the child that there is a difference of opinion as to the importance of Yiddishkeit. What’s not clear to the child is how to choose a school over a parent, or one parent over the other. It’s a tightrope some children seem to navigate pretty well; others struggle with it painfully for a long time.

How much more painful can it be when a child thinks the adults in his life are all following the same Torah path, sharing the same values, and working together in his best interests, and then one day he finds himself forced to choose between them. And it isn’t only about Purim.

It’s not about Purim for many children growing up in frum homes when a parent says to his child:

“Don’t tell anyone in your school we have (you can fill in the blank) in our home.”

Or a menahel tells a teen:

“Don’t tell your parents we look the other way about cigarette smoking in our school.”

Who has the responsibility and the right to set standards for your child? The simple answer would be that the school has a right to set standards that apply within the school, and you have a right to set the standards that apply within your home. That would work very well if your child never discussed anything he was exposed to at home, with anyone in his school. And he would leave any behaviors or attitudes he was exposed to in school in the school building on his way out the door. So much for simple answers.

You need to figure out a more complex and complete answer, one that works for you and each of your children. In the meantime, children are learning to deceive some of the most important adults in their life at the behest of other ones.

Our children live with it, struggle with it, every day. They’re recruited into practicing deception, and we wonder why they don’t value trust. They often find answers to these dilemmas that leave their parents and teachers concerned, and even frightened for them. And they will continue to until the adults in their lives give them better answers.

It isn’t Nafali’s responsibility to figure out who’s right between his mother and his rebbe. It’s theirs to figure out what’s best for Naftali.

What do you do when your child reports something from school with which you disagree? There are three alternatives.

a. Ignore it, and let your child figure it out.

b. Call the menahel, and tell him you disagree with what the rebbe said.

c. Call the rebbe.

The problem with choice “a” is that your child may or may not want your help. It would be a better choice to ask if they would like to try to figure it out, and offer to help them.

Choice “b” entails going over someone’s head, which is seldom appropriate. Even if you have spoken with the rebbe before and you’re not satisfied with the results of those conversations, it would still be mentchlich to call the rebbe again and ask him to meet with you and the menahel to discuss your concerns.

Choice “c” works well when you call the rebbe with the intention of gaining a better understanding of his point of view, and offering him your point of view. Having built a working relationship with him, you can now proceed to figure out together what is best for your child.

The worst situation for your child is to be put into the position of trying to figure out, on Purim or any other time, how to choose between two adults he respects and trusts. It’s ad d’lo yada -- He can’t possibly know.

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. ...

Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

I bat right, throw right, and listen left.

 

I wasn't born that way.  When I was very young, I used to listen with my right ear because I used to hold the telephone in my right hand.

 

Reader (you): I know; when you got older and you wanted to write things down while you were talking on the phone you switched the phone to your left hand to write things down with your right hand while you're talking on the phone.

 

Writer (me): Actually, that's not how it happened.  I wasn't writing anything when I was five years old.  What happened was that I got a severe infection in my right ear and it took so long for my hearing to return, which B?��H it eventually did, that I became accustomed to holding the phone in my left hand and listening to it with my left ear.  To this day it feels awkward for me to hold a phone in my right hand.  I assume that at first it felt awkward to me to hold it in my left hand, although I truly don't remember.

 

I recently read about an interesting experiment which I would like you to try right now.  Fold your hands.  Now fold them again but this time, weave your fingers the other way, so that the thumb that had been on the bottom is now on top.  Perhaps you are more dexterous than me.  When I fold my hands without thinking about it they fall together quite comfortably, but when I decide to fold them the other way, my fingers bang into each other on the way towards folding.  And, once I've managed to fold my hands in the alternative manner, my hands feel strange. 

 

I was reassured to learn that it's not just me. In a study, subjects reported that it took two weeks for them to feel comfortable with their hands folded in the new way.  

 

Can you imagine reminding someone every time they want to fold their hands, to fold their hands the other way from how they naturally have been doing it for years until they become comfortable with folding their hands in this new way?

 

Do you believe that over time something that feels unnatural can begin to feel less awkward, and eventually, literally, become "second nature??��

 

I was reminded to take the phone with my left hand and hold it against my left ear.  The pain I felt when I pressed it against my right ear reminded me.  Over the course of a couple of weeks, it became second nature to me to listen left.  To this day, if, for some reason, I take the phone in my right hand and place it against my right ear it feels weird.  What had been natural to me has been replaced by a second nature that has supplanted my innate proclivity and rendered it awkward.

In addition, there is the advantage that my right hand is free to take notes while I hold the phone in my left hand.   What started out as an accommodation turned out to be an advantage.

 

I did not break the habit of holding the phone in my right hand against my right ear. I replaced that habit by taking the phone in my left hand and placing it against my left ear.  Most of the time, you cannot "break a habit.?��  Broken habits have a remarkable resilience.  They rejuvenate; the broken pieces seamlessly bond and the habit returns unscathed.   Most of the time, you can only stop doing something by doing something else instead.  You don't break habits, you replace them.

 

For two weeks, or more, you have to stop what you impulsively begin to do and consciously replace it with what you've decided to do instead.  Deciding to replace a habit with a different habit doesn't make the original habit go away.  You impulsively begin to do what you've been accustomed to doing and you have to stop yourself in mid-motion or midsentence.  "That's why psychologists advise: If you want to change, the most important thing to do is to learn to strengthen your impulse control. The first step is to become aware of your own behavior. Ask yourself three questions: Is my reaction justified?  Is there an alternative to my impulsive reaction?  And what would the benefits of the alternative be?" (Ideas and and Discoveries, August 2012, page 61)

 

Although the magazine article uses the term "reaction,?�� I would prefer to describe it as a behavior.  I like to distinguish between a reaction, which is a visceral experience that takes place inside of me, versus a behavior which is how I express myself as a result of my visceral experience.  Over the course of time, different behavioral responses do result in calmer internal reactions to the same stimuli.  It's not about saying, "if I didn't get so upset I would respond more calmly.?��  The more realistic approach is "I will respond as though I were calmer, trusting that eventually I will actually remain calmer in these types of situations.?��

 

I told the children to clean up the toys from all over the living room floor and put them into the toy box while I finished what I needed to do in the kitchen.  I also told them that we would all have ice cream when I was finished with what I was doing as long as the living room was cleaned up.  But when I came back from the kitchen 20 minutes later, the living room looked like they had not put anything away all.  I was furious, and I yelled at them, "Forget about the ice cream!  Why don't you listen to me when I tell you to do something??��  I hate yelling, and I wish I could stop, but when they don't listen I get so frustrated and it's really hard for me control myself.

 

Three questions:

Is my reaction justified?  Yes, the emotion of frustration is justified.  The behavior of screaming is not justified.

 

Is there an alternative to my impulsive reaction?  Yes, you can walk away until you figure out how to express your intense frustration in a manner that is measured and purposeful.

 

What would the benefits of the alternative be?  Your children would see what it looks like to express frustration in a manner that is appropriate rather than screaming.  You would also end up with the toys put away sooner than if you were to scream.

 

For a couple of weeks, or more, your impulse will be to scream.  When you slow down and choose to respond differently, you will form a new habit of thinking first and responding in a way that is helpful; helpful for both you and your child.

 

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.

...

Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

One of the lessons Ben Azzai teaches us in Pirkei Avos is al t'hi maflig l'chol davar, which means there is potential value in everything in Hashem's world (Tiferes Yisrael on Avos 4:3).  Maybe we can even derive a musar haskal from professional sports.

 

What is the most impressive sports accomplishment?  How would you decide which trophy is the hardest to win?  Would you base your judgment on the number of teams in the league, the number of games played during the season, the challenge of a team that is a dynasty or an exceptional superstar player?  All of those criteria are subjective, and therefore subject to disagreement.  What objective criterion could there be?

 

In most sports, there is a champion every year.  Every year, someone wins the Davis Cup, the Stanley Cup, the Superbowl, and the World Series.  How would you determine which of those is the most impressive achievement?  I would not attempt to.

 

The most difficult title to win, perhaps, is the one that no one wins, year after year.  Not since Affirmed in 1978 has the Triple Crown of Racing been awarded.   A victory so seldom achieved is an impressive achievement.  And I think there's a musar haskal for each of us, particularly as parents.

 

Rabbi Shimon taught: There are three crowns: the crown of Torah, the crown of kehuna, and the crown of malchus. (Avos 4:13) There is a triple crown for each of us to aspire to.

 

How can each of us aspire to all three crowns?  How many of us are descendants of Dovid Hamelech?  How many of us are kohanim?   And if we can only aspire to the crown of Torah, what is the lesson for us in knowing that there are 2 other crowns?

 

According to Rabi Yitzchak Izaak Chaver, each of the three of the crowns bears significance for every one of us.  The crown of kahuna alludes to service, the positive mitzvos.  The crown of malchus alludes to self-restraint, the negative mitzvos.  The crown of Torah alludes to knowledge, to learn for the sake of Torah. (Ohr Torah, cited by Misivta Avos, kaftor v'ferach page 62)

 

The Ben Ish Chai sees in these three crowns the antidotes to the three threats to our wellbeing cited in Avos 4:21: Rabi Eliezer hakapar says: jealousy, desire, and [the pursuit of] honor remove a person from the world. 

The Ben Ish Chai explains:

These three crowns nullify the three harmful attributes, jealousy, desire, and honor.  The crown of Torah, of which it is said, "jealousy of scholarship increases wisdom" nullifies inappropriate jealousy.  The crown of malchus which requires self-restraint against material desires, as it says, "he shall not take many wives and he shall not acquire many horses" nullifies inappropriate desire. The crown of kehuna, about which is written "honor" as it says, "and you shall make holy vestments for Aharon your brother for honor and glory" nullifies inappropriate pursuit of honor.  (Chasdai Avos, 4:13)  Clearly, these dangers and their antidotes apply to every Jew, king or commoner, Kohen, Levi, and Yisrael.

 

How do these concerns apply to your children?  What are the positive mitzvos, the negative mitzvos, and the Torah in which your child seeks the crowns of achievement?

 

There are three areas of achievement for a child: social, behavioral, and academic.  You want your child to have friends, to cooperate with teachers, and to master the lessons that she is taught.   You want your pre-schooler to play nicely with other children, to sit in the circle when the moreh says it is circle time, and to learn shapes, colors, numbers, and the aleph-bais.  Learning appropriate social skills incorporates positive mitzvahs such as v'ahavta l'reiacha kamocha and b'tzedek tishpote amisecha.   Cooperation with teachers includes the negative mitzvo of al tasur.  Torah encompasses all of the above as well as the study of Torah itself.

 

You want your child to achieve the crown of kahuna, to form friendships by expressing kindness, patience, and generosity, thus earning honor rather than pursuing it.  You want your child to attain the crown of malchus, to learn self-restraint, to reign in impulsive behaviors and desires.  You hope your child will acquire the crown of Torah, that he will be jealous of the knowledge and joy of Torah he sees in others, and strive to gain it for himself.

 

You want your child to win the triple crown.  Sometimes, I hope, he will.  When he falls short in one or two areas, be concerned; don't be discouraged.

 

How do you express concern?  How do you help your child when she is struggling in one of these areas?

 

First, slow down.  Think about what it is that you would like to express to her.  Are you concerned that she seems to be failing socially and struggling with loneliness?  Does she spend "too much time" by herself?  Are you sure it is a struggle for her, that she wishes she could spend more time with friends; or is it that you wish she would spend more time with friends?   Some children are more gregarious than others; some enjoy solitude that looks to you like loneliness.  Tell her what you see, tell her that you are concerned, and ask her what it is like for her.

 

Miri, you spend a lot of time on Shabbos afternoon reading.  I'm concerned that you seem lonely.

Ta, I am so busy with my friends all week, and I love them and enjoy them, but on Shabbos I really like having quiet time to myself.

 

Are you concerned that you son flaunts rules and doesn't care that he gets in trouble?  Slow down.  Tell him that you want him to comply more consistently with the rebbe's expectations and ask him what would help him to do better.

 

Dror, I don't want your rebbe to call me again to tell me that you were talking during class.  What happens that you can't sit quietly?

Mom, I lose the place and when I ask the boy near me where rebbe is up to, I get in trouble.

I would like you to explain this to your rebbe during recess, and ask your rebbe what you should do when you need to find out the place because you lost it.

 

If your child sometimes struggles academically, ask her what she thinks might help her, and with whom she wishes she could work to do better.  Slow down, and give her a day or two to think about it.

 

And most important of all:

 

Notice when your child is succeeding socially, behaviorally, and academically.  Tell them they're doing something incredible, they're winning a triple crown.

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575. ...

Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

I do not take sides in arguments between husbands and wives.  But when there was a shidduchim concern, I did.

 

I told my wife she had no business calling the menaheles to complain.  I remember, when I was in yeshiva, the menahel came into our classroom one day and said we should not be telling our parents things that the rebbe said or what he did to get boys to behave.  I remember his words, "What happens in yeshiva, stays in yeshiva!?��  We send our daughters to school and if the school wants us to know something they'll call us.  My wife has no business telling the menaheles what's acceptable and what isn't.

 

And I told my husband that our 8 year old daughter was sobbing uncontrollably over what the teacher said to her in front of the whole class, and when I called the menaheles she defended the teacher and said that if our Devoiry had behaved, the teacher wouldn't have called her a 2 year old in front of anybody.  I told the menaheles that Devoiry's twirling her pencil and dropping it 3 times is not okay, but it doesn't justify the teacher embarrassing her in front of the class.  I don't think the menaheles should condone something that is wrong, and when it hurts my child, it is my business.

 

I remember my first conversation with a teacher whom I will call Miss Horowitz.  She began by telling me she had noticed that during her 7^th grade Chumash class, one of the girls appeared to be daydreaming.   Miss Horowitz said she wanted every girl to stay on track.  I asked her what she did to get this child back on track.

 

Miss Horowitz: I said, "Rivkie, are you paying attention??��

 

Me: And what happened then?

 

Miss Horowitz: She looked at me and then she quickly looked down into her Chumash.

 

Me:  What do you think that was like for Rivkie?

 

I said that very softly.  Miss Horowitz began, very softly, to cry.

 

Miss Horowitz: I didn't mean to hurt her; I certainly never meant to embarrass her.

But now I realize that that's what I did.  I feel terrible that I did that to her.

 

Me:  I see that, and I admire you for caring so deeply about a child's feelings.

 

Miss Horowitz and I worked together for awhile.  She learned discreet ways of helping a child who was daydreaming to get back on track.  The girls in her class came to admire and respect her as deeply as she cared for them.  And by the end of the school year, Miss Horowitz had become a kallah, B?��H.

 

A shidduch.  Marriage.  Children.   In the merit of learning how to guide children without embarrassing them.   

 

Here are the words of the Menoras haMaor:

A person who is able to prevent himself from the sin of shaming another, Hashem will save them from all distress, and from them will come worthy children.  This was the case with Tamar [Yehuda's daughter in-law].  Because she was willing to be burned rather than cause shame to Yehuda, she merited that kings and prophets would descend from her.  (Ner 2, klal 5, section 2; quoted in Mesivta edition of Avos 3:11, yalkut biurim, page 74)

 

The Rambam wrote:

It is forbidden to cause someone shame, especially in front of others.  Even though one is not given malkos for shaming someone, and he is exempt from paying [for the damage], it is a very serious sin. Our sages have said that one who shames another in public has no place in Olam Haba.  Therefore, one must be careful not to cause public shame to anyone, young or old. (Mishna Torah Hilchos Daos 6:8; Chovail u'Mazik 3:7)

 

Be careful not to.  It is not enough to say afterwards, "I didn't mean to.?��

 

Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, zt'zl, according to his family, worked on making sure he was able to prevent himself from reacting harshly to a child.  They tell the following story:

I once went into [Rav Shlomo Zalman's] room before he gave shiur in the Yeshiva.  I saw him sitting and studying the sefer Shaarei Teshuva.  He explained, "Sometimes the students say something silly, and I'm afraid that I might react to them in a way that would hurt them.  That's why I need to study musar.?��

Rav Shlomo Zalman's talmidim recall:

Even when he was "kashe k'barzel" the issue was never the child himself.  In his words of correction, there was never a trace of personal [debasement] or belittling.

(Kuntres Nisivos Shlomo, page 71)

 

Rav Pam, zt'zl wrote the following (my translation of Atara LaMelech, pg. 90):

There is no more permission for parents or teachers [to cause a child to feel shame] than for anyone else, unless it is for the purpose of chinuch or musar for the good of the child.  But it is far more common that the damage caused by this is greater than the benefit. [emphasis mine]

Rav Pam added that because of the magnitude of the issue, careful deliberation and tranquility must precede a parent or teacher's words to a child.

 

What does the magnitude of the issue of shaming a child have to do with shidduchim?   Here are the words of Rav Shteinman, Shlita, as recorded by his talmidim: (Mizekainim Etbonan, page 39)

We are anguished by the difficulties so many have in shidduchim.  Many young women serve as teachers.  A teacher of young children finds it extremely difficult not to sometimes err in hurting or insulting a student.  [The laws of conduct] bain adam l'chaveiro are very stringent.  Who knows if this isn't the reason that she hasn't found her zivug?�� Hashem yishmarenu. 

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.

...

Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Listening is the source of bracha.

 

Es habracha asher tishma-un.

That is to say, by way of analogy, that a person who has, G-d forbid, some type of illness and he is healed from it, he is always vigilant lest chalila, the malady flare up within him again. So it is, that each person must be vigilant and listen to his internal messages; is he doing Hashem's mitzvos to the best of his ability or has,  God forbid, something improper flared up in him.  This is what is meant by the expression Es habracha asher tishma-un.  It means that it is a bracha to listen carefully to yourself, to reflect on and analyze how well you are doing Hashem's mitzvos to be sure that you are not lacking in your performance of them.  V'haklala im lo tishma-u: this means that klala could result if you don't pay attention to yourselves.  Therefore, every person must be vigilant always and be conscious of himself every moment for this is the source of bracha for himself and for his children forever.

(Noam Elimelech Parshas Re-eh; page 92b in Imrei Shefar edition, 5720)

 

How carefully do you monitor yourself in different settings?   How careful are you to monitor yourself and reflect on the distinctions you make?  Especially when it means the opportunity for bracha for yourself and your children, or chas v'shalom, klala?

 

Shimi and Raizy seemed like very mentchlich people.  They spoke softly, they waited for one another to finish speaking, and they looked relaxed.  I asked them what they wanted to talk about.  Raizy began.

 

Our friends think we are a very put-together couple. We do consider ourselves quite refined and we are generally perceived of as pleasant and easy-going.  So my husband was mortified at what happened last week and that's why we finally agreed that we need to get help, so that's why we're here.

 

What happened last week that your husband became mortified?

 

Shimi, why don't you tell him yourself?

 

Raizy, it was your idea to come here and I agreed, but I really don't want to talk about what happened.  I mean, I do want to talk about what happened but it's really hard to talk about it.  Why don't you tell him and I'll just listen.

 

Truthfully, Shimi, I don't want to repeat what you said.  If you could say it to our daughter why can't you say it to Rabbi Ackerman?

 

Because, Raizy, there are things I will say in the privacy of our home that I won't say in public.

 

I wasn't sure which hashkafic lesson to share with them.  I hadn't even heard what he said to his daughter that he didn't want to repeat to me, yet I already knew that there were some messages from Chazal that might be helpful here.

 

For example: If there is doubt about whether something is tumei (unfit) and it was found a public place you can be lenient, but if it was found in a private place you have to be stringent.   How does this apply to tumas sifa-sayim, improper speech?  It seems reasonable to me that if something is doubtfully appropriate to say, the laws of tumah imply that we should be more stringent about saying it in the privacy of our home than we are in public.  In other words, if you're not sure that you would say it in public you should be very sure not to say it in private.

 

One more example.  The words of Michah, v'hatznaya leches im Elokecha, are usually translated "and walk humbly with your L-rd.?��  (Michah 6:8)  The Ramah, as elucidated by the Mishna Brurah, teaches us an interesting interpretation of these words.  He explains that this can be taken to mean that even when you are b'hatznah, in the privacy of your own home, you should conduct yourself with the self-consciousness that you have in front of others in public, because you are always in the presence of Hashem.  (Orach Chayim, 1, Mishna Brurah 7)

Shivisi Hashem l'negdi tamid, be always aware of Hashem's presence.  When you know you are in Hashem's presence, you become more vigilant.  You listen to yourself, you monitor yourself more carefully.  (Orach Chayim, 1:1)

 

Before I had the opportunity to share any hashkafic lesson with them, Shimi spoke.

 

Look, I needed to make a point and that's what I had to say to get her attention to teach her what she needed to learn so that's what I needed to do. I am her father and it's a mitzva on me to teach my daughter so I did.

 

I asked him gently: What did you say to her?

 

He didn't answer my question.   I asked him a different one.

 

Raizy thought you were mortified?  How did that happen?

 

It happened because right after I yelled at our 11 year old daughter, I went downstairs and saw my machatanim and my married son and his wife standing just inside the front door like they had just come in.  From the look on Raizy's face and theirs I got the impression that they had all heard what I had said upstairs.

 

So Raizy saw that you were mortified because what you thought you said in private to your 11-year-old daughter turned out to have been said in public.  I don't understand how something that's appropriate for the ears of your 11-year-old daughter could be so inappropriate in front of your extended family and me.

 

Shimi apparently thought that nival peh was justified in the service of doing the mitzvah of teaching his child.   There is an expression: minuval b'reshus haTorah.  It is not to be taken literally.  The Torah does not condone the use of inappropriate language to teach Torah lessons.  On the contrary.  Listen to yourself carefully. 

 

Make sure that whenever you speak to your child to guide her in becoming a bas Torah, you speak like a ben Torah.

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.

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