Looking at Anger
Anger: A Secondary Emotion
Unlike emotions such as fear, embarrassment, sadness, or pressure, which are reactions to outside stimuli, anger is an emotion we experience as a reaction to other emotions. Primary emotions, such as the ones mentioned above, can be quite uncomfortable. Feelings of vulnerability, loss of control or respect, and sadness are ones that people generally try to shy away from.
Enter anger. The surge of control and strength associated with anger provides an escape route from the discomfort of primary emotions. When we react with anger we are protecting ourselves from other feelings lurking beneath the surface.
An image that is often used to illustrate this idea is that of an iceberg. The wonder of an iceberg is that what is seen jutting out of the watersâ surface is only a fraction of what lay underneath. In truth, it is nothing more than the tip of the iceberg. Anger can be compared to the tip of an iceberg. Like the tip of an iceberg it is the surface of deeper underlying feelings. And, like the tip of an iceberg, it can be so overwhelming that we do not even become aware of what lay below until it is too late.
At the same time, anger, like the tip of an iceberg, can be a guiding light. A captain who is aware of the true nature of an iceberg can position his ship on the route to safety. So too, one who is aware of the true nature of anger can learn deeply about themselves, and how to avoid anger and itsâ devastating effects altogether.
Identifying anger:
Being able to properly identify anger enables us to begin to learn from anger, and to take the steps necessary to deal with it appropriately.
Anger is manifest in three ways: Physically, cognitively, and behaviorally.
Physical: The physical manifestation of anger is initiated by an increase of adrenaline into the system. This rush will usually lead to increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, and tightening of muscles. Common cues of a person experiencing anger may further include clenched teeth, increased intensity of speech, change in tone of voice, and deep breathing.
Cognitive: The cognitive experience of anger, or how we perceive and think about what is making us angry. For example, we might think something that happened to us is wrong, unfair, and undeserved.
Behavior: There is a wide range of behavior that signals anger. We may look and sound angry, turn red, raise our voices, clam up, slam doors, storm away, or otherwise signal to others that we are angry. We may also state that we are angry and why, ask for a time-out, request an apology, or ask for something to change.
Anger in children: underlying emotions
Nowhere is it more important to identify, learn from, and manage anger, than it is with children. A child left alone to deal with anger and feelings of hostility is prone to suffer from poor school performance, interpersonal conflicts, and verbal or physical assaults, to name a few.
Whatâs more, children are much less adept at channeling and expressing their feelings than adults. As such they are more likely to suppress their feelings until then they explode all too violently.
We will explore some of the common underlying emotions which cause anger in children. When signs of anger have been identified, more often than not, the following emotions are involved behind the scenes:
· Frustration: Children are not paid attention to as much as adults. This can not only be a source of frustration, but is often a cause of sustained frustration as the child will not readily be afforded an opportunity to vent his feelings.
· Rejection: Growing up in a world run by grown-ups, a childâs ego is fragile. Quite often even something as simple as not getting what they want can be misinterpreted as rejection and leave a child feeling hurt.
· Incompetence: Children simply cannot do the things adults do, and they know it. From the time they are born children are constantly dealing with the feeling of not being good enough.
Proactive management
With a true understanding of what anger is, and how to identify it, educators, parents and others can significantly reduce anger and its effects in our youth. We can achieve this by teaching them to be self-aware of anger and its root causes, by educating them aboutnonviolent solutions to problems.
Self-Awareness
· To recognize the physical symptoms of anger, such as, pain in the chest or throat, or a warm sensation in the face and head.
· Speak to them about why they are angry. Help them identify their emotional triggers.
· Teach them to be able to express their feelings of anger
· Teach them to move on from their anger
· Practice telling someone they are angry without screaming
· Train them to control their impulses
Perhaps most importantly, we can help our children manage their anger by encouraging them that, with the proper understanding, anger is something that can be overcome. We must communicate to them that, while anger usually makes us feel bad, itâs only an emotion. It is not in itself bad. In fact, it serves as a warning to let us know when a situation is not right. As such, it can be a strong motivator to speak up and make change.
In truth nobody "makes" us angry. In any situation, we have the power to choose. Anger is a response we learned. It can be un-learned. Today, there are many people, groups, and programs available to help us learn to manage our anger. It is within our reach to learn how to express our feelings in less destructive ways, and to deal with them without hurting ourselves or anyone around us.
This article is for general educational purposes only. For actual situations the advice of a competent doctor or therapist should be sought. Ari Margolis LAC, has a Masters in RTS from BMG and a Masters in Mental Health counseling from Touro College. Ari can be reached at (732) 806-7905