A Torah attitude on the divorce plague

Why is this happening to us?

Did we do something wrong?                                                                                                                                                    

Is this a punishment?

Does G-d want us to feel guilty?

In case anyone ever thought that divorce only happens to reckless people. Scratch that idea from your minds. Divorce today also happens to the cream of the crop. To intellectual, well mannered, socially adept, righteous individuals.

Today we don’t ask the knee jerk divorce question “whose fault was it?” Divorce is not a mystery novel. Those days are long gone, if it ever was acceptable. See Aruch Hashulchan Even Haezer 154 :8-dealing the beis dins role in deciding who’s objectively responsible for the rift…’we can’t do that anymore.’

והכלל בדברים אלה גם בזמנינו שאין בכחינו להעמיד משפטי הדת על תלה מ"מ מעיינים ומשתדלים לעשות שלום בין איש לאשתו .ואם רואים שאין ביכולת לעשות שלום ביניהם משתדלים בגט שיגרשו זה את זה מרצונם הטוב. וכן אנו נוהגים:

 Today our attitude is “they tried their hardest, and G-d chose them to be privileged to get more reward.” They get reward for trying and more reward for their pain at the loss. Doesn’t that make you jealous?

If so, you may ask why does it happen?

Growing pains – Growing gains

The question is based on the premise that good people have smooth life experiences and evil people have it hard. We know just the opposite is true. Those who have been suffering are the most beloved and outstanding of our people. They are the generals sent to the front lines; G-d loves them the most and they will be richly rewarded for their bravery. G-D only picks the best. Divorcees are not at the back lines, they are fighting at the front lines. The people at the back have it easy. (If there is anybody today who has it easy, please raise your hand!) Those at the front suffer the most. The medrash tells us to thank Hashem for the difficulty he gives us. (medrash Tanchuma Ki Tatzai 2)

מדרש תנחומא (ורשא) פרשת כי תצא סימן ב

אמר רבי אלעזר בן יעקב צריך אדם להחזיק טובה להקב"ה בזמן שהיסורין באין עליו. למה? שהיסורין מושכין את האדם להקב"ה שנא' (משלי ג) כי את אשר יאהב ה' יוכיח וכאב את בן ירצה,...לכך אמר דוד אשרי הגבר אשר תיסרנו יה, אם באו יסורים על האדם יעמוד בהן ויקבלן למה שאין סוף למתן שכרו.

Suffering isn’t for bad guys; suffering is for the good guys. If you think you know a tzadik who had it easy, please confront him. If he says he did have it easy, please send me a postcard. This world is the workout room, here’s where we lift weights, pump iron and sweat. We want to grow, and when the growing gets tough the tough get growing. We don’t ask G-d to make it easy; we ask G-d that we should be successful in strength training. That we should end up with a more loving relationship with Him than we did before. G-d wants to parent us into loving adults. Those who are put through pain are his choicest. It has been said ‘G-d is not a grandfather to give out candies; He’s a father to give out parenting.’

שערי תשובה לרבינו יונה שער ד אות יג-

וחייב האדם להתבונן ולדעת, כי אין התלאה אשר מצאתהו והיסורים הבאים עליו לפי גודל עונו ורוב חטאיו, אך השם יתברך מיסרו דרך מוסר האב את בנו בחמלת ה' עליו, שנאמר (דברים ח, ה): "וידעת עם לבבך כי כאשר ייסר איש את בנו ה' אלקיך מיסרך", ופירשו רבותינו זכרונם לברכה (ילקוט שמות, יתרו שג): לבך יודע מעשים שעשית ויסורים שהבאתי עליך כי לא לפי מעשיך יסרתיך...והיסורים לטובתם ותועלתם וגודל שכרם, כמו שנאמר (תהלים יא, ה): "ה' צדיק יבחן". ומשלו רבותינו זכרונם לברכה משל בזה ואמרו (בראשית רבה נח, פרשה לב): בזמן שיודע בעל הפשתן כי הפשתן חזק, מכה עליו הרבה לעשותו רך וטוב.

But this specific issue didn’t happen before. Why is it happening now?

Every generation has its unique training exercise. This one was already prophesized by Micha Hanovi.

The crumbling of relationships – Hashgacha Elyona.

We’re observing in our age the fulfillment of a prophecy of the Novi Micha and mentioned at the end of Meseches Sotah as a forerunner of Mashiach’s coming. The novi describes that slowly G_d will peel away all of our basic foundations of trust that have been distracting us from trusting him, and we will turn to trust Hakodosh Boruch Hu-our most stable and loving Parent and relative. It is difficult but good for us. It is true stability and love. The answer to the question-“who will we turn to?   Turning to Hashem is not a last resort; it is the relaxing resort at last. It is the dessert at the end of a long galus, after years of challenging employment. It is exactly what we’ve been working and looking towards.

Sotah 49b-“Teens will shame elders, elders will need to stand before teens, sons will have disgust in their fathers, daughters will rebel against their mothers, a person’s own family at home will be his enemies, a son will have chutzpah to his father. If so, what will we still have trust in? We will Trust Hakodosh Boruch Hu.

מסכת סוטה דף מט עמוד ב- נערים פני זקנים ילבינו, זקנים יעמדו מפני קטנים, בן מנוול אב, בת קמה באמה, כלה בחמותה, אויבי איש אנשי ביתו, הבן אינו מתבייש מאביו, ועל מה יש לנו להשען? על אבינו שבשמים.

Micha perek 7-The pious will be lost from the land, honest men will be gone, all business will intend to capture blood (money), and one will be trapping the other….You will not trust a friend, nor a leader, you will guard your secrets from your spouse. A son will shame his father, a daughter will stand up against her mother, a daughter in law against her mother in law, the family in the home will be enemies. I will put my hope in Hashem, anticipate my saving from G-D, G-d will hear me. My enemies will not be able to rejoice over me. I fell and I got up. If I sit in darkness, Hashem will be my light.

מיכה פרק ז

(ב) אבד חסיד מן הארץ וישר באדם אין כלם לדמים יארבו איש את אחיהו יצודו חרם:(ג) על הרע כפים להיטיב השר שאל והשפט בשלום והגדול דבר הות נפשו הוא ויעבתוה:(ד) טובם כחדק ישר ממסוכה יום מצפיך פקדתך באה עתה תהיה מבוכתם:(ה) אל תאמינו ברע אל תבטחו באלוף משכבת חיקך שמר פתחי פיך:(ו) כי בן מנבל אב בת קמה באמה כלה בחמתה איבי איש אנשי ביתו:(ז) ואני ביקוק אצפה אוחילה לאלהי ישעי ישמעני אלקי:(ח) אל תשמחי איבתי לי כי נפלתי קמתי כי אשב בחשך ה' אור לי:

In posuk 2-4 we find the decline of morality in government and justice turning into anarchy. In posuk 5, 6 Micha prophesizes that people won’t be able to trust friends, and even close family members and spouses will become enemies. In posuk 7 and cited by the Gemara Sotah 49b it is told to us that the expected response of all of us is trust in Hashem. Hashem is making trust more challenging and wants us to keep on trusting.

In this light we can view a divorced individual as an awardee of hashgacha, as a shalem with mazel, not as a shlemazel. Hashem has chosen them to strengthen their trust in him, and with that, reacquire their trust in themselves and others. Therefore, we too, should show our trust to them. They need it now more than ever. This is your chance to be a part of their Divine destiny.

What follows?-posuk 8-I fell down I get up, Hashem will lighten my darkness.

It’s like your father sets you up with a rope harness which he holds on to and gives you a task for which you have to walk a tightrope. Whatever you do, you can’t fall and you can’t fail, he will always catch you, even if you make a mistake and walk off the tightrope. He loves you no matter what.

Why does it seem like these are the worst tzaros we‘ve ever had?

Masses of people feel alone

In generations past, suffering affected the whole community. Greeks made decrees on the whole nation, Romans came to conquer the whole nation, Haman decreed to destroy the whole nation, the Spaniards decreed to convert or exile the whole community. Hitler yim”ch attempted to erase the whole nation.

This too is a plague that is affecting the whole nation, but it is a quiet plague. Unlike tzaros of other generations, these tzaros are lonely tzaros. Strife during the marriage should be and is kept a secret. In contrast, abuse should not be kept a secret and is. After divorce, for good reason, the blame of the other is also kept a secret. There is no communal mourning/consolation ritual for divorce as there is for widows and widowers. And how can there be, if the community was and still is friendly with both partners? Friends and neighbors, who really want to help, don’t have the hours upon hours of time it takes to let these survivors unload their suffering. For many, their stories are so incredibly ‘science fiction’, that friends can’t listen without disbelief. People who’ve lost trust in shadchanim, Rabbis, friends, relatives and finally- spouses, have really lost trust in all of humanity, including themselves. Ironically, they end up suffering alone. So the survivors end up thinking that they are the only one.

That’s the worst of the tragedies. The medrash says that pain suffered alone is the only real tragedy.(Devarim Rabbah 2:22)

דברים רבה פרשה ב סימן כב–דברים ד-מהו ‘בצר לך’?אמר רבי יוחנן בשם ר' עקיבא כל צרה שהוא של יחיד -צרה. וכל צרה שאינה של יחיד אינה צרה.

Group Together – Heal together

The antidote - group support!! The Sefer Hachinuch (331) says we blow a shofar at the beginning of yovel to impress on the owners of slaves that the time has come for freedom. They are quite distressed at the great financial loss, so the Torah helps them overcome the difficulty –not with money, but with emotional support. The shofar cries out loud, all over the country, saying-‘the difficulty is common and it’s everybody’s challenge’. That’s the most powerful way to comfort people’s hearts and minds.

ספר החינוך מצוה שלא–מצוות תקיעת שופרלשחרור עבדים ביום כיפור של יובל ---על כן לעורר לב הבריות על הענין ולחזק נפשם ולהזהירם על המצוה בשמעם את קול השופר, בראותם כי דבר השוה הוא בכל הארץ ושהכל עושים כן, נצטוינו על זה.שאין דבר שיחזק לבות בני אדם כמו מעשה הרבים, וכמאמר החכם, צער רבים נחמה.

There’s nothing like the freedom felt in group support with people going through misfortunes and sharing with each other. There’s acceptance, encouragement, understanding, and comfort.

The other ingredient in group support is the safety to fully expose and externalize pain. The exile of the first beis hamikdash ended in only 70 years. Because their sins were exposed, their redemption came sooner. (yoma 9b) We are still waiting for the redemption from the exile of hidden antagonism. Buried pain stays takes root and grows. Exposed pain loses its nourishment and withers away.

מסכת יומא דף ט עמוד ב-רבי יוחנן ורבי אלעזר דאמרי תרווייהו: ראשונים שנתגלה עונם - נתגלה קצם, אחרונים שלא נתגלה עונם - לא נתגלה קצם.

Those are the goals- to expose the pain of divorce and create public support, for divorcees, their children, their families, and their neighbors. The editors and contributors deserve much credit for taking the plunge back into the yam suf. Please use the book, apply it, and bring the freedom of geula one step closer for the individuals and for our klal.