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PLEASE UNDERSTAND ME
AN OPEN LETTER FROM ANY DIVORCEE TO THEIR NEIGHBOR
Dear friend/neighbor,
I wanted to thank you for something. Remember a while back my car broke down and it had to be towed away and junked. It was a major financial loss for me and an even bigger headache. You were there to console me at that time. Thank you.
Sometime later, I was having trouble with one of my teenagers. He was at risk and almost off the derech. I'm glad he didn't at the end. You were there to share my pain, when he was falling, and you were there to share my simcha when he came back home. Thank you.
Do you remember when my relative passed away? I was very close with them, and I took it very hard. He meant a lot to me. You were there to console me during the shiva and beyond. Thank you.
As you know, I'm going through a divorce right now. This is the most painful time in my life. The pain is excruciating. It's indescribable to someone who hasn't experienced it. I turned to you again for consolation. You turned a cold shoulder. I was surprised.
I turned to you another time and you responded, "That's loshon hora". I was very hurt. I turned to my Rov, and asked him, "Is this loshon hora?" The Rov took a deep, sagacious breath and answered the following: Considering the experience I went through, I'm halachically allowed, as an individual, to feel hate toward my ex-spouse (Shulchan Aruch Harav, Laws of prevention of cruelty to living creatures, para. 10; Rashi Mishlei 3:30). Even according to the opinion of the Sefer Hachinuch mentioned in the introduction to the Sefer Chofetz Chaim, it would make sense that the "heated up" period mentioned there (Shulcan Aruch, Choshen Mishpat 151:13) varies as per the case and extends here much longer.
I also have a mitzvah to rid myself of that hate, through talking it out with a friend or any other means (see Rambam, Deos 6:9), as well as a mitzvah to unload my pain for my own emotional sanity and wellbeing (Yoma 75a, Rabag Sefer Shmuel A 1:16). Sefer Chofetz Chaim (10:14) actually suggests this option as beneficial.
You, on the other hand, are forbidden to listen to what I have to say, as you likely will believe it. It will affect your objective opinion of my ex-spouse. You will also take it to heart, because it is "too close to home" for you. It might even damage your own marriage relationship (Rambam, Sanhedrin 21:7, Sefer Chofetz Chaim 6:2). Most people don't separate their lives from the stories they hear from others. Or don't separate their feelings from others' feelings. So, ironically, I have a mitzvah to talk, but you are forbidden to listen.
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I was obviously quite disappointed by his explanation. I asked, "How then do I deal with my terrible pain?" The Rov answered that there are a few unique people who have either a stomach of steel or a heart of gold, that aren't afraid to hear such tragedies. [This is besides my close friends and relatives that anyway are there for me and are obligated to hear me out. (A relative isn't allowed to ignore his own flesh -Yeshayahu 58:7, and must choose his own relative's side before someone else's -Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 251:3. This applies too, to very close friends – Mishlei 27:10 . (See also Chochmas Adom 145:1.)]
It goes without saying that the listener involved must retain their own sense of sane responsibility, and not rush in to take rash and radical actions without looking into the matter first (Mishlei 25:8). They listen to someone else's tragedy without getting emotionally caught up in it.
Although every Jew is commanded in the mitzvah of "don't stand idly by your brothers blood", not every Jew can.The Rabbi compared this to the job of a paramedic (Hatzolah) which is a tremendous mitzvah. Not everybody can handle the sight of blood. Not everybody can be a paramedic. I need to spill my blood to someone who can handle it.
The Rov then consoled me with accepting reality. Divorce is a doubly lonely tragedy. In addition to losing your spouse, you also lose connection with your general friends. This is not because they misjudge you, only because they distance themselves for fear of blood. This also causes people to give “expert” 30 second advice , on 20 year strife! The advice giver is scared of the threat to his security and wants to relieve himself of it. Moreover, by not having trusted people to open up to, the divorcee, turns away from people, and closes up even more-that’s triply lonely.
The Rabbi suggested that I write you this letter explaining myself. I want to share with you, not to increase hatred. I'm actually trying to unload and decrease hatred. Would you be able to unload the hatred together? Could you hear me out without fainting? You may not have a stomach made of steel, but you will certainly be repaid in eternal gold.