Lessons in single parenting from an experienced Gadol

The Brisker Rav, Rav Yitzchak Ze'ev Halevy Soloveitchik (1886-1959), escaped the holocaust with only himself and six of his children. His wife and three other children perished in the holocaust. (Another married daughter had already left) He was never zoche to remarry and raised his remaining daughter and sons alone. Those who’ve heard of him,  know of the hours spent learning, teaching hundreds of talmidim, and his highly active involvement in public affairs affecting Klal Yisroel. One would think that he would have no time to spend with his six children and might have left them with a nanny. After all he was needed for what others might consider ’more important business’ and they’re only children. Just the opposite was true. He considered his children his top and first priority before all of the above! All fathers, divorced or not, have plenty to learn from his example.

The Chazon Ish said “the Brisker Rov”s children are like the angels ( biography-page 100) The Brisker Rav's daughter and sons all grew up to be gedolei Yisroel, each in their own way.

People thought it was only natural that such a gadol should have children that were gedolim. Such was not the case. The Rav would say, "I soak my pillow at night with tears of tefillos for the chinuch of my children".

Once in Jerusalem when the Brisker Rov went shpatzieren (stroll), a man came up to him and said: "I'm very jealous of the Brisker Rov. All of his children go in the richtigen veg (proper way) Boruch Hashem, bederech ha-Torah even though they were raised in such turbulent times. By other families who went through such trials, neboch (unfortunately) many children went off the derech. Even among the leading rabbinic families of Lithuania, many of the youth were swept up in revolutionary movements and the like." The Brisker Rov didn't answer him. A half an hour later, when everyone had forgotten the incident, the Brisker Rov said to Reb Rephoel, his son, who was accompanying him: "Ah, they don't know how many tears I shed when I shokeled(shook) each of the baby carriages. How I was mispallel (prayed) and how may kapitlach Tehillim (psalms) I said for them that they should go in the good way."  

Just as the Brisker Rov had done, Reb Rephoel his son, likewise checked to see where his child went, with whom and when she returned home. This was successful because his daughter saw this care, as a sign of parental love, not as something negative, the way many children in contemporary society would. She recalls: "I didn't feel like I was in prison. I felt lucky to be in such a home. I felt that's the right way.” Once a friend came to me and I went with her to accompany her home. My father asked me when I came back: "What did you do on the way?  I felt cared for.

The Brisker Rov said that when he was a young father he knew personally where and what his children were doing every second of the day, 24 hours a day, and every day of the week. It was never hefker(a free for all). Everything was with the Brisker Rov's hashpoe and hashgocho (supervision). And the Brisker Rov's children knew it and felt truly loved.  When Reb Rephoel was already thirty years old, he would stop by the home to take one of his brothers to learn at Zichron Moishe shul. The Brisker Rov, out of selfless care, would come by to check them, peering through the window, to see how his sons were learning.    

Reb Dovid Soloveitchik's Rebbetzin adds: Today the world is advancing. At least that is what they think. They think that by giving the children "freedom", the children will grow up great people. But they're making a big mistake. Chas ve sholom this child who is given his freedom will one day turn around and do something that is not a kovod for the Jewish nation. It will then be too late. What is the chochom (wisdom)? The chochmo is to give the child a sense of freedom, but nevertheless you are lovingly on top of him to the best of your ability. This means you know every hour of the day where the child is and what he is doing. If you have that love in mind continually, you are in the best position to check his behavior. The shita (style) today, is to give the child "freedom" to be independent and find his way in life. This is not Yiddish (Jewish). Chas ve sholom, you will find that you are letting him go in fire. The fire burns quickly and then it is too late.

Reb Rephoel used to say: "Don't think it's because I have only one child that I am so concerned about all of her activities. If I had twelve I would do the same."  Reb Rephoel knew that the real chinuch of a daughter is from the shtub (house). Hours of school and homework are minimal supplements to the vast education that a Yiddishe tochter(Jewish daughter) receives in the home. Whereas a son's domain is the yeshiva, the daughter absorbs her Yiddishkeit primarily in the home. Parental example and life experience are her primary texts, even in our modern era. In a truly enlightened Torah home environment, a Yiddeshe tochter's achievements are assessed in terms of the development of her neshomo and her midos. Academic and professional achievements in the world are peripheral. As a daughter and subsequently as a wife and mother, her intellectual and practical capabilities are focused upon strengthening  the sanctity of her home. 

Reb Rephoel would buy interesting books for her to read in the house. Of course, so many guests were welcomed in the house; the atmosphere was always interesting and lively.

Friday nights, the other girls would go out in Geula shpatzieren (strolling). He used to say: Du host a shtub(you have a –warm loving-home.)

 The Brisker Rov accomplished his way by combining strictness with love. He showed a special love for children. He took a deep interest in the tiniest of his grandchildren, even in his last years. When my daughter was two years old, the Brisker Rov would take papers and fold them into little butterflies. He would make them fly around the room. Little Hendele was so pleased and excited. She would later exclaim: "Zaida hot mir gemacht a zelche sheyne papar." (Grandpa made such nice butterfly or paper shape)    

  -From "The Life and Times of Reb Refoel Soloveitchik of Brisk

A man was going through terrible, unbearable tzoros and was looking for segulah to be zoche to turnover his Heavenly fate. He considered taking on the mitzvah of chessed and approached the Brisker Rav with an idea to start a gmach – a free loan fund. The Brisker Rav responded, "You're already doing chessed to your children, you don't need a new chessed".

(from Rabbi Shimon Mueler- Uvdos Vehanhagos LeBais Brisk)

The Brisker Rav said  that a father’s obligation to his child, goes above and beyond just the takana derabanan of training to do a mitzvah. It’s training in holiness and purity already from a younger age, and goes well into the child’s adult life.  (based on the Rambam at end of halachos of non-kosher food and the Gemara kiddushin 30a)

THE BRISKER ROV- addendum

The Rav had learned his parenting from his from his experience as a child from a master teacher his father Rav Chaim Soleveitchik, the previous Rov in Brisk.

Among the unique parenting goals he had was to teach his child to think, a lost skill in today’s age. 

Rav Chaim would take strolls with his son through the streets of brisk and would ask his son to count “how many floors are in this building?  How many windows?  Can you find the differences between these two similar buildings?”  Even studying people’s behavior was part of a walk. “What can you learn about person through their actions?  Do they feel safe?  Are they confused?  Are they secure?  Are they local or a guest?  He would cut an apple in half and ask his son which half is bigger?  What are the differences between the halves?” Following all these questions and answers he would then prod the boy “How did you arrive at your conclusion?  And discuss his methodology. If Rav Chaim would sense that the boy could give a better explanation than the one given he would not criticize. Rather with fatherly love encouraged “I know that you can say an even better explanation.” and of course the boy did so.  (page 84 till 96-from Rabbi Shimon Mueler’s-biography ’Harav MiBrisk’)

The Brisker Rov was widely known for his highly critical analysis of Torah sources and Torah explanations. He was also known for his fiery and unwavering stand to protect Torah values and lifestyle in the face of many religious crises that arose over his entire lifetime.

People who didn't know the Brisker Rov mistakenly thought that he had an anxious personality, which he couldn't control. But only the opposite was true, he was a true gadol who was in control of his personality traits and intentionally used each one for its purpose in the fitting situation.  The Rov commented to this saying, "A nervous person is nervous about almost everything without choice. I intentionally choose to be careful in my mitzvah observance and choose to be relaxed at other times." (biography vol.2 P. 380, 409)

In Brisk, we expect of the talmidim to blend their qualities into a natural weave – a masmid is also a mechadesh chidushim and is also sincere in his davening and develops in himself good middos, and is able to bridge all of these.

In praise of a certain talmid, "Everybody wants to externally mimic my actions, but this precious talmid learns from me what he needs for his particular nature and moves on". (biography Vol. 2 P.213)

This ability to call on a spectrum of traits is most wonderfully illustrated in this story with a young boy.

Out of youthful curiosity and high aspirations, a boy from Bnei Brak made a trip to Yerushalayim to fulfill his aspiration to meet the gadol that he had heard so much about. The boy arrived at the Rov's address, but alas, he could not muster the courage to go in. His mind was racing – should he go in, should he not go in.

His fears drove him to pace back and forth in front of the house for some time, till he was spotted by an old man. Mercifully, the man approached the boy and asked him, "Young man, can I help you with something?" The boy opened up his heart to the kind man and said, "I came all the way here to discuss Torah with the Brisker Rov, but I'm very scared, because people say that the Rov is very critical and gets angry at people all the time".

The old man was touched by the boy's plight and lovingly responded, "You need not worry, my boy. I know the Rov well and I know that he loves to have visitors come to discuss with him divrei Torah and you have nothing to worry about, because he will welcome you with a smile and affection!"

The man left and only some minutes later was the boy able to gather his confidence and he entered the home. Upon entering, the boy was dumbfounded to find that the Rov was none other than – the old man who had greeted him outside! (The boy eventually taught in Yeshivas HaNegev and Yerucham. His name was Rov Refael Tikutchinsky ztz"l). [From Harav MiBrisk, vol. 2, p. 177-8]