Rabbi Abraham Twersky-from his book –Marriage the First Year
Pre-marriage counseling is advisable in a first marriage, but is absolutely essential in a second marriage.
Human beings are not robots. When we relate to another person with any degree of intimacy, that person has an impact on us. Whether a marriage ends by tragedy or divorce, the lost marriage is exactly that: a loss. And a loss must be adequately grieved if one is to put it behind oneself. Even if the first marriage was considered a failure, one must recognize its good aspects as well as its negative features.
The time and effort necessary for adjustment in a second marriage are much greater than if a first marriage. The period of adjustment is at the very least two years, and maybe even longer. Yet some people are so impatient that when problems arise, they decide that the marriage is a failure within the first few months. This is a mistake, and it is unfortunate that premature decisions are so often made.
Many second marriages are indeed happy and successful, but the likelihood of success depends not only on the willingness to make adjustments, but also greatly on one's self-awareness. It is all too common to place the blame for failure of the first marriage on the spouse. It is axiomatic that we are much more aware of other people's shortcomings than our own.
A healthy person who remarries following a divorce may say, "I realize what mistakes I made in my first marriage. These were too far gone to allow me to salvage my marriage by correcting them. I've learned my lesson, and by avoiding these mistakes, my second marriage can be successful." If only this held true more often! Psychologists speak of the "repetition compulsion," which means that a person may feel compelled to repeat a behavior even when he realizes that it is wrong.
In cultures where first marriages are arranged by shidduchim, the parents of each partner generally do their homework to find out whether the match is appropriate, and whether the two are likely to be compatible. The young man and the young woman do not meet until both sets of parents have approved. Although this method is not foolproof, it has allowed the couple to meet a few times, and if they feel the "chemistry" is right, they become engaged and may indeed have a good relationship.
This is generally not the case in second marriages, where one is on one's own to evaluate the compatibility of the partnership. More meetings are necessary to get to know the other person better, and as I have pointed out, counseling before committing to the relationship is extremely advisable.
A very legitimate motivation for a second marriage is that one does not wish to be alone. Indeed, this is the reason the Torah gives for marriage: "It is not good that a person be alone" (Genesis 2:18). However, we have all had the experience of being very hungry and eating something that was not good for us. This can happen with the craving for companionship. It may be so intense that one may seek to resolve it with an inappropriate choice. It is wise to seek the advice of a spiritual counselor and devoted friends as to the appropriateness of one's choice of a spouse.
It is understandable that people seek happiness, and people who have suffered a loss in life may look to a second marriage to make them happy. If the motivation for remarriage was the pursuit of personal growth rather than the pursuit of happiness, people would understand that "growing pains" are a fact of life, and could take difficulties in stride. This approach would have a constructive "side effect," providing the happiness they desire.
Researchers say that it takes at least three years for a blended family to begin acting like a family. It is normal for there to be difficulties. Things can be worked out, but both partners must be very patient and be able to exercise restraint.
In many communities there are seminars and support groups for step parenting. Take advantage of them. There is no substitute for experience, even someone else's experience.
(end from Rabbi Twersky)