בס"ד

Non-custodial Single Parenting

Aiming to Climb Mt. Everest, Starting at the Dead Sea

It has been said about child raising, that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Since the waves of enlightenment, 150 years ago, we've seen that hurricane winds, can, however,blow apples very far from trees.

Today we are seeing a stranger phenomenon – trees are being uprooted and removed from their apples. There are fathers who are married, but for parnassah can't be home. There are fathers who are home, but not emotionally available; and then  there are fathers who are available, but divorced and not home.

Although it was commonplace in previous generations for fathers to travel away from home, for long periods of time, today it’s out of the question. Rav Shach zatzal, as a young rosh yeshivah , in dire financial straits, with no choice, was forced to teach at a yeshivah far away from his home and only returned for yomim tovim. Rav Shach's students in Ponevezh wanted to open yeshivos in the Negev in Israel and return home to their families in Bnei Brak weekly for Shabbos. Rav Shach said we can't do that anymore. The tree needs to be next to the apple.

What’s your emotional address?

So, how do you raise children without living in their house? Change your emotional address, instead of living in their house ,you live in their heart. The basis of all parenting is stated in the commentary of the Tur (the son of the Rosh) on chumash, (Breishis 44:30) and oft quoted by Rabbi Nisson Kaplan of the Mir Yeshiva-’You have to be connected to their heart in order to be mechanech.’

That means focus on quality time not quantity.

I personally spoke to a son of a well known mechanech. This mechanech invested time in his family and would make sure to be at home at nights on a regular basis. He also chose not to send any of his children to dorming high schools if he didn't have to. This specific son needed to be sent to a dormitory at another part of their large city, so the father would visit with the son an hour a week at that yeshiva. The result – that son is the closest to his father. His father was home during family time and has a good relationship with his whole family. He has the best relationship with the child that he spent private individual time with.

That same son , who’s happily married with a family, told me that he's jealous of my situation with my daughters. It is very hard for any father to make quality time with his daughters, especially teenage daughters. In my situation, my daughters and I are forced to have quality time with each other, and we all benefit. This quality time could be an hour and a half as a group or half an hour per child. Each one needs to feel special.

Doing Activities Together

The Targum on breishis describes Yaakov Avinu’s relationship with Binyomin as “his son was beloved to him as himself.”

Parents need to enter inside their children's lives and share their own lives with their children too.

I invest in at home activities that I can do together with them. I want to make them feel just as at home in my home as they do in their mother's home.

We play board games together, we do small arts-and-crafts projects together. (You can buy cheap projects in a dollar/shekel store or in a toy store, or borrow books that demonstrate simple projects.)

I constantly tell them stories about whats going on in my life,especially the yiddishkeit experiences and mitzvos that happen in the most ordinary situations. I tell them how a seemingly simple man almost attacked me at a check out line in a supermarket- with a question on the parsha! The Israeli taxi driver who almost threw me out of the cab -for suggesting that parnassah comes through our efforts. When my daughter needed a story on tefilla for school, i didnt tell her a story of a godol from generations past ,I told her a story about her own father in a daily situation I had. A child’s father is their personal gadol.(Ramban shemos 20:12)

Toil not spoil

I don’t treat them as guests, I treat them as my children. Hosts (and grandparents) give candies, parents give responsibilities. I have them do house cleaning and fixing – after all, this is their house. Just recently, I had them paint a wall of the apartment.

The most positive experience is created by a loving balance of giving with discipline. Once I  had rebuilt my positive relationship with them, they could handle and appreciate the discipline. And discipline requires self-discipline. The children could sense that disciplining them was not easy for me, but if I could handle the challenge, they should too.

I had a candy drawer that I  gave them candies from when I was first building our new relationship. As time went on, I would expect more responsibility and give out less candy. My children would ask for candy and I learned how to say the word "no". That was a big challenge for me. After all, they were “divorced children” and ‘seemingly’ needed more mercy. After a while, they joked that our house always had the most candies out of all their friends, our candies never left the drawer!

Small details- big points

I take an interest in the small details of their lives and remember them. At Har Sinai, when Moshe Rabbeinu was appointed by Hashem  to lead Bnei Yisrael, Moshe Rabbeinu made sure to ask Hashem for candies for the children. He took an interest even into the small details (midrash heard from Rav Moshe Aharon Stern, from his Rebbe, Rav Eliyahu Lopian).

I ask them the names of their friends, the names of the child next to them in class ,their friends and even their enemies and I accept that. I ask them about their school work and if they have any homework or tests, and if i can help them over the phone with their studies. For example, if my daughter in forth grade needs to explain a Rashi in chumash, I read it together with her over the phone and learn it together. I choose not to use skype yet, to reduce computer habits, and that requires each of us to put in more effort in the relationship.

Absent father - still a father

I would get depressed often that I have so much to offer my children and to mechanech them, but I cant mechanech them when I’m not with them or talking to them. That’s what I thought till I saw the following concept from Rav Chaim from Volozhin the top student of the Vilna Gaon. (Ruach Chaim 5:3)

A father bequeaths his physical DNA at conception. Rabbi Chaim Volozhin says that a father is constantly transmitting his spiritual DNA to his children throughout his lifetime. Meaning, every time a parent stretches his own limits for mitzvos, his children have inherited a natural ability to stretch themselves too for mitzvos. Every time a parent puts their faith in Hakadosh Boruch Hu, his children become owners of a more natural ability to have faith in Hashem. Everytime a parent stretches himself for any mitzvah,his children inherit a more natural ability to extend themselves too. The list of examples is endless. We learn this from Avrohom Avinu who left for us, his children,  strengths that he developed only through hard work in his 10 training nisyonos. Many of them were accomplished decades after Yitzchok Avinu was born ! His list also included the ability to be positive about training nisyonos, that nisyonos are good for him. This concept applies to all fathers.(cf. Mishlei 13:22,14:26,20:7, Yerushalmi Kidushin-19b)

This concept applies to mothers too,and even before the child is born. Rashi (breishis 34:1) says that Dina ‘s atititude  was inherited to her by what our mother Leah did - many years before Dina was born!!!

I was happy to find out that I’m  always affecting my kids, even when I’m not around them.All the mitzvos that I do,add to the spiritual fortune that I hope to leave for them. That makes me give more significance to the way I run my life,and to how significant my life is, even though my children might never know.

Priorities

Every parent has the challenge of balancing priorities ie  the parent’s own priorities against the child’s priorities.

This is all more true in relation to non-custodial fathers. A father in his own home,with his family naturally forgoes his own needs for his family that he is a part of.

The natural state of a father is to give his life for his children (tanchuma vayera #12, warsaw ed.).

When a man divorces, he no longer feels as much a part of the family. He doesn’t live with them, he doesn’t eat with them, and he doesnt see them or at least hear about them from their mother on a daily basis. He might move away to get a better job or just to start a new life. He may need to heal his wounds of the divorce and  intentionally  distance himself  from the family for a period of time.(not uncommon) When he s ready he will start a new family, with a wife and children who he sees and hears from on a regular basis.

All this creates a very delicate priority challenge.

We find this difficulty  addressed in chazal.

When Avrohom Avinu became a widower , both he and Yitzchok Avinu were eligible for marriage at the same time. The tosefta (bechoros ch 6) says that in such a situation the father’s obligation for himself takes precedence. (cf. kiddushin 29b, 59a) In contrast, the medrash (yalkut shimoni) at the end of parshas chaye sarah-states that Avrohom Avinu chose to marry off his son Yitzchok Avinu first. Yitzchok Avinu was 40 years old and probably quite  financially able by then!  The medrash there goes onto say that the Torah writes this specifically to teach us a lesson, that it is proper derech eretz to marry off your son first. This seems to be a  blatant contradiction. This is to be resolved, by realizing that every  father has plenty of personal needs and obligations, that he has every halachic right to put before his grown son’s needs!  Nevertheless, a father’s nature will still put the child’s needs first, while attending to his own needs as best as he can. (suggestion- use balance! Cf. Tshuvos Shevet Halevy 4 :129)

supplement -

The father’s responsibilities include among others:

loving his child (Seforno - Bamidbar 11:12)(Tehillim 103:13)

financially supporting the child :

Till age 6.  obligation- Shulchan Aruch (Even Haezer 71)  [It seems that after this age children were already able to start to work for a minimum wage .By age 13 boys were already expected, at least somewhat, financially ‘on their own’.]

After age 6- As children have become dependent on their father till a later age, the Chachamim of the generations have extended the father's support past age 6,until the age of basic financial independence in each generation. (Tshuvos – Ginas Veradim – Even Haezer 4:24 – para. – ibra, cf.Iggros Moshe – Yo"d A:143) and that is the takanas Batei Hadin in Israel today.

A father must teach him a "livelihood", which in Torah terms includes much more than money. A father literally gives the child life, which includes teaching him Torah, and mitzvos, teaching him a profession for parnassah and marrying him off , to bring more life into the world.(Kiddushin 29a).

Most importantly, a father teaches the son proper behavior and character to mimic G-d's qualities (Beraishis 18:19,meshech chochma)  This applies equally to mothers as well, as she too is a role model of G-Ds qualities to her child(Breishis 5:1,2).  In order to mimic G-D’s qualities, of course the parent  must impart belief in G-D.

With these responsibilities, comes the father's privileges to raise his family in his unique style of Hashem's will.