Ask Aviva (as appeared in The Jewish Star)

Dear Aviva,

I've been married 3 months and have been trying to get my husband to come with me to therapy since we got engaged. He's a very private person and refuses to talk to anyone about anything private in his life. We've had a few disagreements in the past and they always blow up into huge arguments. I really think therapy would help us figure out how to communicate better, but I can't seem to get him to agree to go to one. Any ideas? Thanks.

-Befuddled Bride

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Dear Befuddled Bride,

First of all, Mazel Tov! The first year of marriage is an enormous adjustment and many, many couples see their disagreements skidding off track before they knew what hit 'em. This doesn't mean that you made a mistake. It simply means that you are normal.

Seeing as your marriage is only 3 months old, it may be that you do not need actual therapy. There are a number of accessible resources that can help you before ever needing to sit yourselves down on the therapist's couch. It may be that you two just need to learn how to communicate better. While your attraction and love for each other likely came naturally, communicating properly is really a skill set that needs to be learned and practiced before you two can sail smoothly through conflict and discord.

The first thing I would recommend is to go on Amazon and fill up your shopping cart with any of the following books: Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John M. Gottman, Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, also by Dr. John M. Gottman, and Hold Me Tight, by Dr. Susan Johnson. These books are all research-based, easy to read and chock full of exercises that you and your spouse can do in the privacy of your own home, without having to let a third party in on your marriage.

If that doesn't cut it for you, your husband may be more comfortable going to a marriage enrichment class, which is an educational class about effective communication for healthy couples. These couple who are overall happy, come together to hear from expert presenters how to improve communication, conflict resolution, budgeting and the like. There are exercises to do for the couples, but it is done in a private fashion where each couple works privately and does not share with the others or with the presenter. Most of these programs are very affordable as well. One such program which has gotten rave reviews is The SHALOM Workshop (you can check them out at www.Shalomworkshop.org).

If you see that the above is not doing it for you, then it may be time to go for therapy. Be sure to find a therapist who has a lot of training and experience in couples. Couples therapy is a very different sort of therapy than individual work. Then, sit your husband down. Tell him how much this would mean to you for him to just try it for one or two sessions. Tell him how you are concerned that if you don't work out your small bumps now, they will grow to become too hard to smooth out.

Many men interpret "We're seeing a therapist" as "This means that we have major problems and will need to divorce". This is most definitely not the case. When I see a young couple come in who are flexible without decades of resentment, willing to work out their minor kinks, I think to myself, "Phew! I'm so happy they came in for their booster-shot against divorce!"

-Aviva