Ask Aviva (as appeared in The Jewish Star)

I don't understand why in this day and age, people often tell newlyweds, "Never go to bed angry." With over 20 years of research swaying conventional wisdom in the direction of taking time-outs in the face of conflict, I marvel at every bridal shower that has this piece of false wisdom doled out.

Dr. John M. Gottman, one of the foremost marriage researchers in the country, (read: "researcher". This means that he is not just pontificating. He has hard evidence that shows what makes a great marriage and what makes a doomed marriage.) has seen that a successful couple knows when to put the breaks on a fight. If a couple is angry and arguing, they are driving on very slippery terrain and have to slow things down. One way to do so is by making, what Gottman calls,"repair attempts". Let's say you and your spouse are having a nice conversation when all of a sudden you hear your spouse blurt out, "What's with your sister calling non-stop?! Can't she pick tomatoes without your input?" Now you suddenly tense up and are about to either defend her ("Leave her alone, she's going through a hard time."), or you are about to shoot back something like, "Well she calls a fraction less than your mother does!" So what do you choose to do? Which is the better option? Actually, neither one of them will help diffuse the situation. Instead it will only escalate the tension. It would be good if you can build a ventilation system into your marriage by responding something like, "Well, if you were beaten up by a tomato when you were a kid, you'd have a hard time buying them too!" Basically, we want to see you be able to step back from the situation and say or do something to lighten the mood. Then address your spouse's concern. "We don't have to answer every time she calls." Or, "Would you like me to ask her not to call during this time?"

It goes without saying that every couple is different. For some couples, an inside joke makes a great repair attempt. And for others, a wink may be the perfect diffuser. So, when you are feeling the heat, try to do something that brings the emotional level down. Make sure that your spouse is ok with whatever you use for repairs. My husband and I were once lecturing to married couples about repair attempts and how to have a fun fight. Immediately after our program, one husband came up to us and said, "I am so good at repair attempts. I have the funniest line for when my wife starts up. I say, 'Check it before you wreck it.' But it never works the way you claim it should and it actually makes her even madder!" Hmmm… let's call the wife over. Turns out she thought that humorous line was the absolute worst thing to say to her when she was hot under the collar. Sounds more like an offense than a repair. Moral of the story: if you are going to make a repair attempt, make sure that it will actually accomplish the goal. Make sure that what you do or say will amuse or calm your spouse. A good way to figure out if you have the right method is simply by asking your spouse in a non-conflict situation. "Do you get annoyed when I ask you to rephrase things when we start to argue?" If the two of you are on the same page, your repair attempt can be akin to a secret agent giving a code to another secret agent. The code itself differs from couple to couple, but if you cracked the code, you would find that they all have a shared meaning: "We are committed to each other and will try to control our emotions and reactions to keep our marriage strong. Now let's take things down a notch before they get out of control."

One more thing on repair attempts-if your spouse is the one who is attempting to repair, make sure that you accept it. There are many people who think that a repair attempt is really just a way to detour away from the issue that they are talking about. So when their spouse is ready to lighten things from a fight into a discussion, it just gets the person irritated that his/her spouse is not taking things seriously. Blocking the repair attempt is pretty dangerous though. Here's the secret to finishing the play: Once a spouse pitches the repair, the other spouse has to catch it. A chuckle, a smirk, or even a calm deep breath is enough to accept the repair.

If a couple has trouble with these repair attempts, their discussions can become high-octane arguments before they know what hits them.A cute little attempt at repair is not going to bring them back. Here is where bucking the old wives' advice comes into the forefront. Instead of sticking around to resolve things, it's time for a time out. Take a break from the conflict so that each partner can physiologically calm down. If it means going to bed angry, that's fine as long as you are committed to respectfully working things through tomorrow. If you stay up till 3am duking it out, you are more likely to hit below the belt by saying things you would never say if you weren't so sleep deprived.

So go ahead, go to bed angry, angry as all heck. Then wake up to a stronger marriage.

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Cedarhurst, NY. She lectures in the tri-state area on dating and relationships. Aviva can be reached at 347-292-8482 or [email protected].

Recommended Reading: Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman.

John M. Gottman, PhD has identified four types of behaviors in marriages that end in divorce. He calls them "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". Couples in strong marriages either do not exhibit these behaviors, or they are able to correct them over time with the antidotes to the horsemen.