Dear Aviva,
My husband quit smoking before we ever met, and when we dated I made it very clear that I will not tolerate him picking up the habit again. We're married about 4 years and I've recently been noticing signs that he has gotten into it again. I confronted him, and he fessed up right away, but I am so mad at him! I'm worried that my kids will grow up with a bad role model while they're inhaling second-hand smoke-which is way worse than regular smoking! How do I get him to stop?
-Not Breathing Easy
Dear Not Breathing Easy,
Well, we can just end this article right here if you are looking to get him to stop. There is only one person on earth who can get him to stop. And that is him.
Here's how I see it: he is doing something that he is ashamed of (henceforth he did not tell you that this is what he was doing, you had to discover it and confront him). Now you are enlightened and you both know full well that his Achilles' heel is in need of a cast or a brace or something. You can either pinch the injury by frantically sniffing him every time he walks in the door, or you can flick that heel by following him out to the porch like a mother hen. Or you can randomly use his car to see if there's a lighter or Febreze stashed away. These are all good suggestions to keep you feeling very involved while keeping your husband from ever feeling safe enough to tell you what is actually going on.
Ready for one of the hardest things you've ever done for your marriage? Accept the possibility that your husband may never quit. Ok, so we've caught you up to your husband's reality. Now you can help him try to kick this habit (if he wants to). If you're not playing principal, he will be more likely to open up to you when he fails. Make it ok for him to fail. Then he will only be fighting his temptation and not his parole officer as well.
I'll give you some information from another side of the temptation coin. Men who have pornography addictions can't shake it so easily. But, according to Barry Horowitz, men whose wives are on board with them and support them actually soar in overcoming their struggles. In Alcoholics Anonymous, they suggest having a sponsor-someone whom you are comfortable with, who you can check in with to let them know how you are doing. You say when it's a good day, you say when you mess up. And they are there to tell you, "It's ok, let's keep going. Tomorrow is a new day." Here, a wife who supports her husband is a sponsor that is around 24/7.
So your job is to calm down, and tell your husband how much you love him. Tell him that you understand that this is not an easy thing for him. Say that you are his partner and will not judge him anymore. And that's all you will say. Now you have to show him that you are serious. Don't sniff, don't confront and don't dart your eyes to his pockets. Once he feels safe (like in 2 weeks of this), you can gently ask, "How's the smoking going?" And if he feels safe with you in this area and other areas, he will open up. And you will say, "Wow, that's so hard." Or, "I'm really proud of you for trying."
Another thing that may be worth looking into is the stressors in his life and the way he relives stress. Think of healthy outlets that would be good for you two as a couple and present it as "couple's time" as opposed to "your new, healthy, constructive ventilation system." Bike riding season is starting soon, and jogging is always in season. Or, if he already has something in place (like the gym or basketball with buddies), make sure that you encourage him going. That doesn't mean that you should say, "Hey, it's 8:00! You're going to be late to basketball! C'mon, get up and leave!" No. Instead make side comments that he can overhear like, "Sorry Chani, but I never go out at 8 on Wednesdays. That's hubby's basketball time."
Will he stop lighting up? Don't hold your breath. But at least you'll fire up his heart in your direction.
Aviva Rizel