But...But...But... - Parshat Miketz
I have found in my professional work that the word "but" can be one of the most dangerous words a person can use. It is often used in the context of "yeah, I am capable of doing stuff but it never works out. I must be a failure" A person who says this often is suffering from low self-esteem and even when he says something good about himself, he discredits himself immediately. This statement is a self-inflicted negative judgment of his worth. Instead he could say - "yeah, I am capable of doing stuff" and together with that "it never works out." This can be a healthy expression of frustration and wonderment at why it doesn’t work out.
We find, in parshat Miketz, that the word "but" is used very well by Joseph's brothers. When placed in jail in Joseph's court under the suspicion of spying, they noted the irony of being placed
in a dungeon, just as they placed Joseph in an empty pit and ignored his cries, and came to the conclusion - aha! This is why we were thrown into jail here!
"But we are in fact guilty" (of the same crime)1 - ignoring the protestations of our brother, an innocent man. We admit that we made a mistake in our actions towards our brother.
Taking responsibility finally for their actions, Joseph heard their anguish and was moved to tears.
Similarly, Rabbi Soloveichik points out, we say in our vidui (confessional prayer) that "we are not too haughty and stubborn to say we are righteous and have not sinned, 'but' rather we have sinned." The word "but" is highlighting the taking of responsibility. It is not to say that we are proud of ourselves at having made mistakes. We are not. Rather, we are now ready to step up and say, "yes, it was I".
This can even be quite empowering for a person used to blaming the world for his constant failures in life to say, "Yes, it was my fault." At that moment, you are no longer waiting for the universe to change - you can effect the change!
In an interview at the San Quentin state prison in California, broadcast to all the inmates including death row inmates, Viktor Frankl, author of 'Man's Search for Meaning', spoke about taking responsibility for what they had done. He received letters afterwards about how refreshing his speech was and how there was a sense of relief at finally being spoken to about taking responsibility for what they had done.
Words are powerful and have a tremendous impact on how we think and feel.
The word "but" can be used to shirk responsibility (but my dog ate the homework, but the bus was late, but all my family and friends do it that way) or we can use this word to take responsibility and feel empowered by our sense of self.
You can wait for success and meaning to show up in your lives, 'but' you can also actively look for it, take control and discover that path which will lead towards a fuller, more meaningful life.
For more information on logotherapy and how it helps to create a fuller, more meaningful life please come visit www.purposefultherapy.com
Have A Great Shabbat!
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