Questioning the Wanderer

As a therapist, I often ponder what to ask when. Even the very first question we ask as a client comes in for their first session becomes a professional issue as I try to identify what message each question sends. How can I help empower a client from the get-go?

 

In this week's parsha, when Yosef was sent to visit his brothers and didn’t find them, the Torah tells us he wandered in the field. He met a man. This man sensed Yosef’s confusion. Rabbi Yosef of Orlians, one of the Baale HaTosefot notes that the man used his intuition, and recognized Yosef was looking for something.

 

What happens next is of special interest to me.

 

The man, following up on his intuition, then inquired “what do you want” or perhaps it can be loosely translated as “what are you looking for.” It was not the regular question which we might expect, “how can I help”. Rather, the question, asked in such a manner, became about Yosef. What is your need, Yosef? How do you wish to move forward in your life now? What are you looking for? The question was asked in a manner which establishes the focus on Yosef and empowers him.

 

Concerning the asking of the initial question, Dr. Edith Eger writes the following: “I used to ask my patients, “How can I help you?” But that kind of question makes them Humpty Dumpty, waiting around on the pavement to be put back together again. And it makes me the king’s horses and the king’s men, ultimately powerless to fix another person. I’ve changed my question. Now I say, “How can I be useful to you?” How can I support you as you take responsibility for yourself?3

 

                                           That kind of question makes them Humpty Dumpty,
                                  waiting around on the pavement to be put back together again
 

How do we offer assistance? Is it about us or about the person in need? I remember hearing a lecture (unfortunately I don’t remember who or when) about giving rides to neighbors in need and how one driver was upset that he didn’t get the call to drive someone. He made it about himself. Instead of being happy that the person got a ride, he was upset that he wasn’t the driver.

 

When we help, we are challenged to keep the focus on the other. Instead of placating our ego by “being the helper”, we can show our divine, noetic self by focusing on them. What is their need? How can we be useful to them?  When we do that we connect to our higher, noetic  and authentically human self.

 

Image by  Sasin Tipchai

 

Footnotes

 

  1. Bereishit 37:15-16
  2. Bechor Shor ibid.
  3. Eger, Edith. The Choice: A true story of hope (p. 325). Ebury Publishing. Kindle Edition

 

Have A Great Shabbat!laughing

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