Mourning is not one of our more pleasant experiences. We associate it with pain, sadness, depression, loss and more. We make every effort to avoid situations where we will have to mourn. And yet, we find that there are times where we go out of our way to mourn. The most glaring example in our calendar is Tisha B'av, where as a nation we mourn the destruction of the temple and the difficult exile we have endured since.

In this week's parsha, Parshat Vayeishev, we find Yaakov having to deal with a situation of mourning. His favorite son has disappeared and has apparently been killed by an animal. His children try to comfort him but he refuses. Yet he doesn’t simply refuse. The Hebrew word used is 'lehitnachem'1 a reflexive verb for comforting, meaning 'to comfort himself'. As if to tell us that he would not allow himself any comfort. He was suffering because of his son's absence. And chose to remain in that suffering: 'I will go down to the grave mourning for my son.'2

The commentaries note this reaction and struggle to make sense of it. Why would he consciously avoid being comforted? Sforno and Chizkuni (medieval European sages) both explained that he felt guilty over having sent his son, Joseph, into a dangerous situation and therefore felt responsible for the consequences. He needed to feel that guilt for his mistaken actions and would therefore not accept any comfort.

Rabbi Hirsch goes even further. It is virtually impossible to actually comfort someone, he says. Rather, people can offer different angles or suggestions for comfort. The individual has to then accept and internalize them to change his mood, and that process Yaakov refused to even try.

Yaakov chose to mourn.

He did not choose for his son, Joseph, to disappear. But he did decide how to relate to it.

I am not here to judge Yaakov, per se, and claim that he was right or wrong in making this decision. The fact is, he decided to mourn as a way to deal with his sense of guilt.

However, I will ask the following questions:

Is that bad? Is it bad to feel guilt? Is it bad to mourn over a wrong decision?

Guilt is one of the three main manifestations of suffering that we experience in this world. The other two being loss and death.3 Choosing mourning was Yaakov's way of saying, I did something that I am not proud of and I need to take responsibility for this. It was a conscious choice. It was a choice which required taking a stand. It required taking responsibility for his actions and their repercussions. Choosing mourning allows him to say, "it is a privilege to become guilty." He had other choices. This was his choice.

This heroic stand of taking responsibility for our actions and their repercussions is not simple. On the other hand it allows us to show respect for ourselves. We expect more of ourselves. And we expect to be able to learn from previous mistakes. We deserve this respect. The ability to be responsible is built in to our humanity. We should respect it and by association, respect ourselves as well.

Whether we choose mourning as we do on Tisha B'av when as a nation we take collective responsibility, or like Yaakov after sending a child as a messenger to a dangerous situation, or after mistakes from our own daily lives, we deserve to respect ourselves for taking a stand. We can choose to mourn our poor decisions and, more importantly, expect ourselves to make better ones in the future.

 

 *Click here to read another logoParsha post on Vayeishev

  1. Bereishit 37:35
  2. ibid - Kaplan translation
  3. Viktor Frankl discusses the 'tragic triad' as different forms of suffering in life challenging us to find meaning. The three parts of the triad are guilt, pain and death.

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