Even a Therapist Hurts – Parshat Ki Tavo

I remember the first time I noticed a certain incongruity about doctors. It was way back in the 60's or maybe early 70's. My appointment with the doctor was cancelled. What was the reason? You guessed it - she was ill. Huh? Doctors don’t get sick, I thought. Uh, hello?  Maybe they do.

This issue came up for me a few years back on a personal level when a neighbor's son was killed in the Second Lebanon War. A different neighbor came up to me and said in an almost accusatory manner: "So what does a therapist have to say to me today?" I was too taken aback at the moment and mumbled something like "I don't." After reflection I realized that, in fact, I didn’t have an answer - not for him nor for myself. I, too, was hurting inside and could not speak.

This week's parsha, Ki Tavo, has the Tochacha, the Rebuke – the  longest section in the Torah which discusses, according to Abarbanel and others, the future history of the Israeli nation and the calamities which will occur.1 Many of these events have even occurred in recent generations as well – in the Holocaust and with kidnappings and other wars and terrorist acts in Israel and abroad. Immediately after this portion, Rashi points out, the nation felt frightened and threatened and needed some reassurance. The words he offered were - "you are standing today."2 Despite the 98 different calamities mentioned previously, you are still standing. You have survived the 40-year sojourn in the desert. You are survivors.

These past few months have been a trying time in my family and extended family. Most recently, I lost my 91-year-old mother, hk"m, who passed away suddenly two weeks ago. I hurt. I feel the pain of the loss and I grieve. I have woken up in the middle of the night with pleasant and unpleasant memories. I have felt a sense of pride in having helped as well as a sense of regret either for omitting to do something or for improper behavior towards my mother. 

As I learned earlier, therapists are not immune to pain and suffering. 

I've been asked if my professional background has helped me in any way during my present period of grief. I found the question at once, odd and intriguing. Odd, because why would I as a human being react so differently than others might. Why would I not have a period of grieving which includes a sense of a heavy cloud over me? I also, though, found it intriguing because I do have knowledge of ways to help with someone who is not functioning due to their grief. But, though I feel grief, I do not have the sense that I am not functioning because of it. I suffer and function. And I am okay with that. I am not happy that I am suffering and I know that it may take time. Perhaps that is the way it needs to be.

In addition, to learn to view the grief in its different forms as natural has been important for me in these past weeks. I did not wish for this. But it is here and I am challenged to find a way to not only survive but also to grow from this experience.

I went back to work and have shared from my experience to help clients. Maybe if others can learn from my experience, there can even be meaning culled from the suffering.3

In the blessing given to the mourner, the Ashkenazi custom is to bless the mourner to be comforted among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. We are a nation of mourners. We all know what it means to experience loss - even if only on a national level. We all know what grief is. And we as a nation have survived. And grown.

L'ilui nishmat imi morati, Hentcha Leah bat Yitzchak Lipa, (Eleanor Friedman) hk"m

 Click here for another logoParsha article on Ki Tavo (The Mitzva to Fist Pump)

Notes

  1. Devarim 28:15-68
  2. Ibid. 29:9, 12
  3. Dr. Viktor Frankl describes Despair as Suffering without Meaning (D=S-M) . Hence discovering meaning within the suffering can protect one from despair.

 

Have A Great Shabbat!laughing

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