Honoring Parents - Not Just for Little Kids - Parshat Vaetchanan

We are taught as little kids in almost every culture in the world to listen to parents and honor them. As little kids, we think we have done the biggest thing in the world if we play quietly while they are sleeping. As we are growing older, so are our parents. At times, they may become ill and the necessity of caring for them often falls on the shoulders of the children. How do we handle this new type of care? What new challenges does it bring us?

This week's parsha, Parshat Vaetchanan, brings with it the commandment of honoring one's parents. It is considered so central to Judaism that God included this commandment in the Decalogue. Not only that, God even mentions a reward for those who follow this commandment - noteworthy as it is one of the only two positive commandments where the reward is mentioned.1 Much has been written over the years - philosophical, legal and moral - highlighting the centrality of this particular commandment. The halachic (legal) codes discuss the care one must take of one's parent including helping them dress, feeding them and other functions. These functions are usually not necessarily when a child is young and the parents are healthy -though it is kind of nice while working in the garden to have your child (or grandchild) bring a nice cold glass of water. The main thrust of these laws then seem to be focused on caring for elderly parents when they become ill or frail.2

We are treated by Chazal to numerous examples of those who treated their parents with respect and dignity as the parents aged. For instance, Rabbi Tarfon's mother was walking in the courtyard when her sandal broke. Rabbi Tarfon then bent down and placed his hands on the floor so that his mother could walk on his warm soft hands instead of the cold hard floor.3

Can we reach that level? Should we be trying? Do we allow our own "baggage" to get in the way? How do we make time for this new responsibility? A friend of mine when caring for his parents once was in the medical clinic taking care of something for his parents. There someone said that taking care of parents is not a mitzvah for little kids. There is great responsibility and challenge. We without a doubt know and understand the responsibility involved with raising and caring for our children. But parents are different.

Viktor Frankl, author of Man's Search for Meaning tells the story of how he got stuck in Europe before the Holocaust. As an already well-known doctor, he had received a visa to leave Austria before the war. He was happy at the opportunity though he was ambivalent about leaving his aging parents behind. He searched for a sign to help him in his decision. After a recent pogrom, he found a stone that his father had brought home from the synagogue. He picked it up and said, "Father what is this?" His father told him it was a stone from the tablets of the Decalogue. Which commandment? asked Dr. Frankl. It is part of "Honor your father and your mother," his father replied. At that moment, Frankl knew he must stay. This was, for him, the epitome of honoring them and to leave them in Europe was to forsake them. Though they didn’t survive, Frankl did not regret his decision for a moment.4

Everyone has their own struggle, their own challenge with this question. This is in fact, not a decision for little kids. This is a decision for grown children of aging parents to take responsibly, courageously and with love.

 

Notes

  1. Devarim - 5:16
  2. Some of the ideas and laws relating to honoring parents can be found in a nice discussion by Gerald Blidstein here
  3. Jerusalem Talmud - Peah 1:1
  4. Man's Search for Meaning - preface to 1992 edition p. 13

Avraham works with families in this situation, both in Israel and on Skype, to help make the decision that is best for them.

Have A Great Shabbat!laughing

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