That’s the first principle that a marketing exec taught me once. How an item looks, feels and smells is often more important than the content itself. This, I have found to be true in interpersonal relations as well. How we say something has a great impact on whether our words will be heard, honored and respected.

When Avimelech speaks to Avraham in this week's parsha, Parshat Vayeira, after he had been punished for having taken Sarah, he speaks to him twice - the first, without Avraham's response, if any, being reported. The first sentence shows Avimelech calling to Avraham and telling him "what have you done to us"1 and concluding that Avraham has done something which is simply not done. He waits for a response. Avraham provides none. He then changes his tone from accusatory to "what have you seen (in us ) that you did this."1 Then Avraham answers him.

When the tone and words were accusatory Avraham felt no need to answer. I can even imagine Avimelech pointing an accusatory finger at Avraham. Only when the tone was changed did he respond. When he was approached to study the situation, he replied, and to the point. Avimelech was the one looking for an answer and it was his responsibility to find a way to get that answer. The different words he used reflect a different emotion and tone that was probably used.

The Gemara also discusses how we talk to people. In telling people to do something in a hurry, take the time to ask them pleasantly so that your words will be accepted.2

When we want things done do we just shoot from the hip or do we want to get results? Yes, sometimes it is the same. Sometimes it is not. It is our need to package our requests appropriately to the situation at hand to get results that will help us.3

This is true in marital relationships, when talking with kids, working with clients or any other relationship you have.

Avimelech teaches us that it is possible.

 

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  1. Bereishit 20:9-10
  2. Shabbat 29a
  3. Taking responsibilty for our own lives and for repercussions of what we do is a major them in Viktor Frankl's logotherapy

Have A Great Shabbat!laughing

For More Information On Logotherapy And How You Can Create A Fuller, More Meaningful Life, Or To Book An Online Session,

  1. Call Me At +972-54-589-3399, or in Israel 054-5893399
  2. Contact Me Thru My Site