The Beauty (and Ugliness) of Conflict - Parshat Korach
Conflict may have gotten a bum rap. There is a lot to be said for conflict but on the whole it is viewed as negative, something to avoid. People who get into conflicts are often considered trouble-makers. So what may be the positive side of conflict?
In fact, this week's parsha, Parshat Korach, discusses one of the most famous conflicts in the Torah. Korach, unhappy with the appointment of a cousin of his to presidency of his family when he felt that his father's family should have received the position1, openly rebels against Moshe, and by extension, God. So what's wrong with conflict? Is it no longer legitimate to differ? In last week's parsha we saw how Calev stood up for what he believed in. Isn’t that what Korach is doing as well?
Tosefos Yomtov describes that the biggest problem of the conflict wasn’t even the essence or content of the conflict. It was the nature of the conflict that was flawed. In Pirkei Avot we see that this conflict is the epitome of a 'machloket shelo lesheim shamayim' (roughly translated - a conflict not for the sake of Heaven).2 Tosefos Yomtov notes that the wording of Pirkei Avot shows that Korach's conflict was a one-sided affair. The example of a "good" conflict is that of beit hillel and beit shamai who argued the minutiae of halacha, working on opposite sides yet towards a common goal. Korach and his crowd had a one-sided conflict. They didn’t try to engage Moshe in discussion. They outright accused him of snobbery and elitism. This is a negative conflict. This is a conflict that is not lesheim shamayim.
So where is there positive in conflict? Parents who disagree about the education of their children and engage each other in honest and forward-looking discussion are having a positive conflict. An organization that needs to decide how to allocate its funds can have such a conflict. The conflict can create open-mindedness and a notice of other options. But this can only occur when the conflict is lesheim shamayim, for the sake of Heaven.
When both sides are looking for truth, they respect each other and are willing to listen to others. A friend of mine, Rabbi Nitai Melamed, has offered workshops for couples on how to argue. A creative and open approach to marital relationships helps couples listen to each other and learn to 'agree to disagree' and possibly even find creative solutions for their conflicts. We are not looking to silence or 'beat' the other opinion or spouse. We are truly searching for the best solution.
Conflicts in life are almost unavoidable. We know that our own inner conflicts in the past have often led to personal growth.3 Growth from interpersonal conflicts is possible as well. We need to decide to let that happen and open ourselves up to it.
Then, and only then, can we start seeing the beauty of conflict.
Notes
1.Bamidbar 16:3, Rashi op cit.
2. Avot 5:17
3. Viktor Frankldiscusses the importance of finding meaning in things that have befallen us. In every situation there is meaning.
Have A Great Shabbat!
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