The Mourning Doesn’t End – Parshat Shemini

As much as we know that mourning, suffering and pain are a part of life, it is never easy to talk about. Though with the advent of "Death Cafes" - specific evenings in pubs and cafes worldwide where people gather to talk about, well, death – discussing death, pain and suffering has become a bit more commonplace, it is still not usually a topic for social gatherings. Does this mean that people aren’t thinking about or that it's just forgotten? Or perhaps the topic is so difficult that people don’t like talking about it even when it is right under the surface? My guess is the latter.

Aharon's two eldest children, Nadav and Avihu, were taken from him suddenly, as described in this week's parsha, Parshat Shemini.1 Yet we continue to find mention of them at least three other times in the Chumash. They are not forgotten. Nor is the reason for their death. In one instance, in discussing the genealogy of the Levite family, not only are they mentioned by name, not only is their early death mentioned but the reason for their death is mentioned as well. The commentaries vary as they discuss the reason for this.2 

I find myself still surprised that they are mentioned at all. Apparently, it can't be helped - they MUST be mentioned. They are not forgotten. In fact, they are on people's minds. The unusual manner and timing of their death left such an imprint that it must be noted and cannot be ignored.

Trauma is not forgotten. Death is not forgotten. It is incorporated into our lives – hopefully in a healthy manner. We do not ignore it as we do not ignore the people who died and what they meant to us. Some schools of psychological thought ask grievers and mourners to "get past it", "move on with life", or offer to provide methods to "desensitize" difficult feelings. They dehumanize and over-psychologize the human experience and do not allow for normal, healthy grieving to occur, instead viewing grief as a pathology which needs to be treated. Mourning does not need to be treated. Remembering a lost one is not pathological. We need to allow for it to happen - each of us at our own pace. At times, when it gets in the way of living responsibly we may need professional help, but it is definitely not a pathology in and of itself.

Mourning is a healthy way for humans to experience the death of a loved one. In fact, the great majority of people do not experience long-term ill effects from mourning. Only between 10-15% of people suffer from severe reactions to grief, and most of those were already suffering from some sort of depression already.3 Mourning, grief and bereavement are a normal part of our lives.

“There is no joy without hardship," says Dr. Kubler-Ross. "If not for death, would we appreciate life?"4 This is not to say that we need the hardship before the joy but rather we can eve more truly appreciate the joy after having gone through hardship and gained a more mature, resilient perspective on life. As Dr. Viktor Frankl writes:

Is this to say that suffering is indispensable to the discovery of meaning? In no way. I only insist that meaning is available in spite of—nay, even through—suffering, provided… that the suffering is unavoidable. If it is avoidable, the meaningful thing to do is to remove its cause, for unnecessary suffering is masochistic rather than heroic. If, on the other hand, one cannot change a situation that causes his suffering, he can still choose his attitude.5

The event that caused the mourning – loss of life, limb, livelihood, etc. – may be unavoidable. We certainly would not choose to experience that kind of event. Our response to that event, however, can be chosen. We can allow ourselves to mourn without fighting it. That IS our choice.

In memory of my mother, Hentcha Leah bat Yitzchak Lipa, hk"m

Refuah sheleimah for Malka bat Gittel

Notes

  1. Vayikra 10:1-2
  2. 16:1; Bamidbar 3:2-4, 26:60-61. View commentaries Ramban, Meshech Chochmah, Ibn Ezra.
  3. Bonanno, George A. (2004). “Loss, Trauma, and Human Resilience: Have We Underestimated the Human Capacity to Thrive After Extremely Aversive Events?”. American Psychologist 59 (1): 20–8. doi:10.1037/0003-066X.59.1.20. PMID 14736317.
  4. Kubler-Ross, Dr. E., The Wheel of Life, 1997
  5. Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning (pp. 147-148). Beacon Press.

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