Few scenes so inspire the heart and mind as those of a young bride and groom whom, to the soft strains of haunting melody, ascend to the marriage canopy and launch  themselves to a new and hopeful tomorrow. 

Looking into the eyes of the young bride and groom- and those of their parents as they hand their child off a new world of togetherness, is something I find mesmerizing. Either luminously large, or clenched shut in silent prayer, theirs are eyes that contain both joy and fear, hope and reflection. Perhaps most of all, they contain the ever so softly whispered and ever so deeply expressed plea and prayer that they will learn to navigate life’s complicated paths and the two individuals will become this solid new entity known as a “couple”, i.e., two people who can resonate with each other and meet life’s challenges as a team.   

Different faiths consummate the process of coupling in various ways. Some exchange vows by the altar. Other faiths spell out in a legal document the sacrosanct responsibilities- physical, emotional, and spiritual that will be undertaken upon the consummation of the marriage.   

So many couples get married with the mistaken notion that their individual selves are to be subsumed by the newly established marital relationship. While the process of coupling is certainly one wherein each member must learn to weigh the collective good of the relationship and make their decisions filtered through this prism, this does not mean however that individual responsibility and self agency is forfeited and lost. 

When a person makes a decision of any kind, they need to own it. They need to be able to look themselves in the eye and justify the “why” of their decision and know that they can be at peace with themselves for having chosen as they did. 

When a person enters marriage with the expectation that their partner must sacrifice their right and need to consider their personal wellbeing on any level, a terrible schism has occurred. When a decision is not made independently; when one’s only justification for acting in a certain way is to placate and submit to another, self loathing and contempt sets in. In my work with domestic violence and batterers, this undercutting and deligitimizing of one’s spouse’s opinions and needs runs at the very heart of abuse.

So, as a couple stands together for the very first time at the wedding canopy they must realize that something almost ephermeral is taking place. They are to realise at that moment that they are entering into a sacred pact to respect the autonomy, decision making ability, and dignity of their partner. It means to never denigrate your partner’s opinion or feelings and to do all in one’s power to help the other believe in themselves and the critical role they play in how you both mange your lives.

 Ultimately, its about realizing that although a couple’s lives are forever entwined, the togetherness is accentuated when each side feels safe and able to pool their self determining will into the relationship unencumbered.