Trying to raise happy children in this day and age has become a hot topic. Parents spend an inordinate amount of time dedicated towards making their children happy. From their youngest ages, we introduce our children to pastimes and activities hoping they will serve them with satisfying doses of self content.

Caring parents extend themselves, exhaust themselves, and sometimes impoverish themselves spending beyond their means to insure that their children are fulfilled. In many homes, the refrain, “well, as long as it makes him/ her happy,” becomes an educational policy whether it serves in our children’s best interests in the long run or not.

Responsible parents know that an educational policy based upon the strict pursuing of happiness is not a healthy goal in its own right. Doing so produces self centered children who will be incapable of navigating life’s myriad difficulties and may well render them incapable of maintaining healthy relationships. And yet, we all seem to intuitively feel that the happiness thing is a crucial part of emotional nourishment. 

Compounding the  difficulty, as our children age and launch themselves into their own futures, they seem to forget to “make up their minds” to be happy, and that elusive sense of happiness seems to be beyond human grasp.  What, then, are the ingredients for long lasting happiness?

The answer is that happiness is a crucial component in raising well functioning and well adapted children- It just needs to originate from a certain well spring, to emanate from a very particular source.

It needs to be bred out of a sense of self worth and forged through the ability to exercise self control.

When children see and feel in their parent’s smile that they are worthy, and meaningful people, it engenders a feeling of happiness. When children are secure in the knowledge that their parent’s love is not dependent on their intelligence, looks, or abilities (a.k.a. “unconditional love”), children thrive and learn to view themselves and others with positive regard. This ability to view self and others with positive regard, this ability to be happy in one’s own body, personality, and inner world, fosters a true sense of well being and contentment. More importantly, however, it serves as a portal for one’s children to realize an even more important goal: It enables a child to begin exercising a healthy measure of self control.

I write these words after having read and been inspired by an article by Dr. Eliot Berkman, a social scientist and professor of psychology at the University of Oregon. Dr. Berkman’s article, entitled “The one thing all people with strong self- control understand”[1] posits the following:

Self control, the ability to regulate one’s emotions, responses, actions and reactions in a fluctuating world is very much a skill that one can master. Self control is not a subject of fate; something that either you’ve got or you don’t. While every person is indeed born with a certain predisposition, nonetheless, the art and gift of self control is very much a trait that can be cultivated and groomed. With time and proficiency, the ability to exercise self control can serve as a beacon through which we and our children distinguish ourselves and perform with ever greater finesse in relationships, schools, jobs, and all of life’s meaningful encounters.

The two ideals feed each off other. The ability to exercise self control fosters a sense of happiness and accomplishment. It enables one  to be more “real” with oneself and those around them- and when we are happy with ourselves, we can make intelligent decisions that are not rooted in desperation but of proactive design.  

In short: Self control breeds happiness. Conversely, a happier and self content person will be able to exhibit greater self control.

Dr. Berkman posits that success feeds on itself, and when we can craft for ourselves a positive self regard and aid our children in doing the same, our ability to regulate our own choices are enhanced. 

As parents,  one of the guiding questions informing our educational policies should always be, “what can I do to enhance my children’s ability to exercise self control?” When we can teach them to understand that the choices they make will be the templates for which their life's successes depend; that they must choose well from a place of acceptance of personal responsibility and self regard, we have given them every tool they will need to actualize a life of meaningfulness and happiness.

Next week, we’ll introduce some readily implemental ideas of what we can do to teach or children about self control. 

[1] April 8, 2015, http://qz.com/378694/the-one-thing-all-people-with-strong-self-control-understand/