Have you ever felt that too much time is spent lecturing our children?

We guide them, lead them, and at times, discipline them. We do this, presumably,  with the hope that our children will grow to become self empowered, self aware, and productive members of society. The job is often all encompassing and exhausting.

As adults we know that lecturing of any kind can be tedious and over bearing. Yet, our parenting is often comprised of lecturing to our children how they should be acting, shouldn’t be acting, should/ shouldn’t be doing, and other mantras that are as tedious to listen to as they are to say them.

While teaching our children through verbal cues and lecture will always remain an inescapable part of the parenting routine, there is something that is much more powerful, potent, and long lasting.

Our kids are the keenest observers as to whether or not we are shining examples of the morals we preach. When they perceive us as living by what we say, not just talking the talk, our credibility in their eyes increases and the message of our personal example is many times more effective than any lecture we could give. There is no greater potential pool of opportunities to radiate good character than in the crucible of family life. 

As such, I firmly believe in following these few pointers. Using these pointers as a guide will impart lessons a thousand times more powerful than any lecture.

#1 Never denigrate your spouse- especially in front of your kids

Life will inevitably throw curve balls and difficulties. Despite it all, through thick and thin, let your children see that you view your spouse as an intelligent and capable partner. This precludes any kind of name calling, put downs, and insinuating that your partner is less capable or intelligent than you. When children see their parents maintain civility in times of pressure; that being in a bad mood or feeling overwhelmed does not give license to lower your own standard of behavior, they see human behavior at its best and the impression is long lasting and deep. When working with conflict prone families, I am often astounded at how some children whom, in every other setting, are respectful yet when addressing a parent, morph into a snarky, nasty, and wholly inappropriate vilifier. Almost always, after meeting the other parent, it becomes quite apparent where and from whom the child has learned to disregard and denigrate his parent. Be careful with what you say and in front of whom you say it. Your echo can be painful to listen to.

#2 Let your children see how much you love and value your spouse

There are thousands of ways you communicate your appreciation and love for your spouse even beyond physical affection. Let your kids see you exert yourself for your spouse. One smart dad I know wakes his kids up on Sunday morning and cooks their mom’s favorite breakfast together to “surprise” her in bed. Throughout the entire exchange, the dad reiterates how happy he is to “do something for mom after everything she does for us”. It’s a powerful lesson for a kid to see how his parent wants to be liked by the other and the conveying of respect and love brings home the message that a spouse is something to treasure.  

#3 If all the world’s a stage...

Essentially, we are describing a mindset. It’s one of realization that as a parent, your home is both a stage where you are always on display to your children, as well as their classroom wherein they imbibe what needs to be life’s most important lessons. You are on display and modeling your entire life with what you say, what you don’t say, what you do and what you don’t do. This doesn’t mean you can never err. We are human and we will always be predisposed towards making mistakes. It does mean, however,  that when we inevitably do err, we make amends with sincerity- even to one’s child. One parent described to me what he felt was one of his most powerful parenting moments. This dad had accused his daughter of picking a fight with a younger child, when, in fact, the daughter had been trying to help her younger sibling who was crying when someone else had hurt her. When the daughter tearfully stated what had happened, the father didn’t try to cover it up. He got down on his knees so that he could make direct eye contact with the child. He then stated his sincerest apologies. He acknowledged the child’s hurt feelings, (“I realize I just hurt your feelings by wrongfully accusing you...”) he admitted his mistake, (“I made a mistake when...”) and apologized (“I’m sorry.”) The father’s eyes were glistening when he described how his daughter wrapper her arms around his neck and kissed him telling him it was ok. It had clearly been a moving, emboldening, and empowering moment for the child which she will unquestionably carry forever.

So, parents of the world, unite! Take pleasure and privilege in your sacred calling and know that you can be an anchor, teacher, mentor and guide in ways that almost no one in the entire world can. True, it’s like walking a tight rope very often, but, here is the real secret: As we take our parenting seriously and change for the better, they, our children, prove that they are the real teachers and serve as the most important catalysts for change in our lives as they teach us about ourselves...