Occasionally an idea blossoms and resonates with such meaning and significance it is impossible to ignore. When encountering such bursts of inspiration, one cannot help but be inspired to share. Such is my reaction after reading a recent article by Andrea Ovans, the senior editor of the Harvard Business Review, on the topic of Emotional Intelligence and its prominence as a central common denominator in successful leaders.

Ovans states: Corporate executives and other leaders might have achieved their status through intelligence, technical know-how, and risk taking ability and willingness. Those traits, however, are not guarantors for success. If, indeed, someone is successful in their leadership position, you can just about guarantee that, with everything else, they are high on the “Emotional Intelligence Scale.” 

Emotional Intelligence is an emotional pulse of sorts comprised of five key factors. They are,

• Self-awareness
• Self-regulation
• Motivation
• Empathy for others
• Social skills

Ovans cites Daniel Goleman, one of the chief architects of the theory, who applies the five points of Emotional Intelligence to successful CEOs and explains how each point is a unique strength amongst successful business  leaders.

I’d like to extrapolate these five points and posit that Emotional Intelligence is not only crucial to maintaining a robust corporation; the five points are in fact the very heart and soul of what it takes to excel and live fully, richly, and meaningfully in family life and relationships as well. 

Let’s take a moment to look at these five integral components of Emotional Intelligence and apply them in the places where they really matter most:

Self Awareness

Self awareness is the ability to recognize and understand your moods and emotions, not only as it pertains to you, but also understanding how it affects others. The self aware individual is cognizant that he or she does not live in a vacuum, and that one is always communicating with those around them even in the absence of speech. When coming home after a long vexing day at work, for example, a self-aware husband is able to recognize that he is in a compromised emotional state. He knows that with the crease of his brow and the edge in his voice he can transmit anxiety and dread to all members of the family. He therefore plans accordingly. Perhaps he will take the time to self sooth on the way home. He might also, quite simply, call his wife ahead of time to let her know of his frame of mind and strategize together a calm home coming plan. A self aware parent is also well aware that one’s children need support, good will, and encouragement. They will therefore model that to all members of the family despite whatever is going on at the top. Self awareness, therefore, is a critical factor and basic hallmark of successful leaders and savvy family members.  

Self Regulation

As a Family Therapist, I can’t help but think of how many marriages and relationships could have been saved- how may hurt feelings could be avoided-if we were better schooled at self regulation. Human emotions are very powerful drives. That does not mean we are constrained by them and powerless to act against them. We can choose how we will react in the face of subterfuge, frustration, and hurt. We can channel our emotions and use them as a constructive force. It is a fact of life that those we love the most will occasionally let us down (as we will do to them as well, mind you.) One who is gifted at self regulation will not decompose in the face of powerful feelings of hurt or anger. He or she will have the integrity to own these feelings, be aware of being let down, but not  be washed away in a sea of negativity. They will control how they respond.

One of the most beautiful examples of self regulation that I ever saw was with a young lady whose husband lost their considerable life savings in an investment that he was absolutely sure would lift the family out of debt and leave them with a considerable profit to boot. The deal, however, was closer to “foolhardy” than “risky.” As the wife reported her husband’s ill -conceived dealings, her face flushed in anger and I could see the bitterness clutching at her throat. I could see the husband bracing himself for the exchange with a steely glint in his eye. I knew it was not going to be pretty. But then I was surprised. The wife stated, “We both know you did a very foolish thing, and I am very upset. I know, however, how seriously you take your role as a provider for us and invested out of a concern for us. I am upset now, but let’s work out some sort of system wherein something like this doesn’t happen again.” This was beautiful. The wife did not minimize her hurt. At the same time, she forced herself to stay composed enough to recognize her husband’s feelings and the fact that his behavior emanated from his desire to take care of his family.

This was self regulation at its best.

Motivation

There are people who are motivated by external factors, whether a heftier paycheck or a hoped for promotion. There are also  people who are motivated to accomplish because it provides them a deeper sense of fulfillment and becomes very much a source of their own self definition. In family relationships as well, husbands and wives often do things for each other with the hope of garnering some sort of short term return. Practically speaking, husbands and wives ask each other to do things all the time. Many couples have a tit for tat score card in their heads mentally checking off who owes whom more. Often, one spouse feels that they put out more than the other and they develop resentment for what they perceive is their spouse's lack of willingness to do more. They don’t take into consideration where their spouse’s abilities, interests, and difficulties really lie. Winners, however, are motivated people.  They want to do more because that is what motivated people do. The motivated spouse and parent is able to see a larger picture. Their broadness of vision allows them to see past daily hurts and let-downs for they have their eye on a greater prize that is fueled by a deep motivation that supersedes the pettiness of  the day to day. Their motivation towards a greater goal or a greater good is a portal to a richer level of interaction and relationship.

Empathy

It goes without saying that the emotionally intelligent spouse and parent rates high on the empathy scale. He or she is able to acknowledge the efforts and accomplishments of others and don’t feel that issuing those compliments in any way detracts from their own standing. The empathic spouse and parent understands that people can be fragile and that their kind and motivating words can make the difference to their beneficiaries between feeling consigned to domestic drudgery or tranquil serenity. With empathy one can look past personal feelings and give over to others and join them supportively in their moments of deepest pain or jubilation. Children who see their parents acting empathically see humanity at its best and it can have a transcendental effect on them as they learn to incorporate and radiate empathy to others. Practically speaking, the empathic parent takes the time to hear the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of every member of the family and allows everyone in the family to feel that their opinion has been heard and is important. When feeling heard and understood, there is greater collaboration and a more peaceful coexistence between all members of the family.

Social Skills

Social skills, in this context, is the realization that nothing important gets accomplished alone. It is the ability to find common ground with difficult people and situations and build rapport with those people. When doing so, you become effective at braving the storms of change and difficulty that all families are prone to face. The ability to artfully and effectively implement this last stage is really a culmination of the previous five. Case in point: When you are self aware, you know what it is your wife said which caused you anxiety. When you can self regulate your responses and foster a real empathy for her position and what she is going through, you can  implement this last component to navigate through difficulties as a team with the realization that alone you are in far worse shape.

And so, with the actualization of the five points of Emotional Intelligence you become a successful leader and influencer. You become an ennobled person who leads by example. One of the most beautiful by-products of all this is that family life and relationships become sources of strength and inspiration that are deeply enriching aspects of one’s journey to self discovery.     

Articles cited:

https://hbr.org/2015/04/how-emotional-intelligence-became-a-key-leadership-skill/

And

https://hbr.org/2004/01/what-makes-a-leader