Having the recent realization that I am single digits away from the age my Mom was when she died, I see just how young both she and I really were, some twenty years ago. We all know people who seem old in their 40's and others who seem very young in their 80's. While physical health and genetics contribute, they aren't everything and our mental health and outlook play a far greater role than most people realize in determining just how well and even how long we live.

When we think of aging, our first thoughts are often negative, we envision our body falling apart, memory lapses and loss in all aspects of life. In reality, as we age, we have the potential to become more comfortable with who we are and therefore more content within ourselves and in our interpersonal relationships. We have the choice to become accepting of our past and seek pleasure as we create our own present and future.

Aging involves change in almost every aspect of our being and forces us to reexamine and redefine just who we are and what we hope to achieve. Our bodies, thoughts, abilities and interests evolve with time. Our personality in large part determines how we respond to these changes and ultimately shapes how well we cope with and adjust to life's little surprises. We can choose to look at these changes with excitement and humor or with fear, frustration, and sadness.

As I watch my beloved octogenarian parents in law with schedules far busier than most, and hear stories of the ROMEO club (retired old men eating out once a month!) I can't help but smile and hope that my aging is as gentle as theirs. That said, while researching aging, I realized that many of us have at least one issue, and most have more to deal with while still in our early forties or fifties! Headaches, sleep, muscle and joint pain, dental concerns, memory problems,  stomach issues, high cholesterol, and tests checking out all kinds of unmentionable areas, not to mention eye issues and thinning hair are just the tip of the iceberg.

Although Mom and Dad joke that they have frequent organ recitals with their friends (the kind where they sit around and discuss various body parts), they now sadly see themselves making more hospital visits and Shiva calls. Nonetheless, aging also involves many positive opportunities and experiences and if open to these, we can enter our senior years feeling incredibly blessed with what we have already attained and what we have to look forward to. A sense of deep comfort at having arrived, enjoying the empty nest with a partner, no longer having to prove oneself, sitting in classes simply for enjoyment, having time to indulge one's grandchildren, doing what one wants rather than meeting other's expectations, moving at a more relaxed pace and enjoying being with loved ones can provide clarification of what is really important in life.

As we become more sophisticated in our understanding of neuropsychobiology, we've started to realize that our attachment to and relationship with others, the anger we carry, and our ability to forgive and move on play a vital role in our sense of wellbeing and even longevity. In other words, our own personal feelings of content are far more relevant in good aging than we ever could have imagined and brain scans now help support this. We also know for instance, that being positive and proactive, practicing relaxation and mindfulness, and having an attitude of gratitude can all lower stress levels over time which ultimately lowers your risk for developing diabetes, a heart attack and other medical problems.

Judaism values aging and equates it with wisdom. Since we are all getting older, whether we like it or not, here are a few suggestions for becoming wise.

Take time for self reflection. Do you like yourself? How does your attitude help you or get in the way? What do you appreciate now that you didn't a decade or two ago?  How have you grown?

Make the most out of relationships. Surround yourself with friends and family who you care about and make you feel good. Broaden your relationships to include people of all ages and those who make you laugh and bring meaning and humor into your life.

Help your children and grandchildren tap into your talents. Spend time doing projects, reading, watching a movie, taking a walk and just being together. Each of us has something valuable to learn from another. Your experience and wisdom are incredible gifts to the younger generation.

Value yourself as a contributing member to society. Get involved by giving back to your community. Those who volunteer and help others are significantly more content.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle. Look after yourmedical, physical, emotional, nutritional and financial needs in order to feel healthy, safe and secure. Add spirituality, prayer, meditation and relaxation to your daily life and move in a direction that enables you to be best friends with the new you. As you change, your relationship with others around you will take on new meaning.

Be positive. Look for the good in people and in everyday events. Appreciate the moment. Have an attitude of gratitude and take time to smell the roses. Focus on what you have and not on what is lacking.

Use you time wisely. Determine whether you control your time or time controls you.

De-stress.  Notice which situations make you feel calm and how your body reacts to stress. Let go of relationships and things that weigh you down and are unimportant. Forgive those you need to and don't carry around emotional baggage. Put your life in order. Declutter your home, organize your finances, and simplify your daily routine so you can make room for the things you value.

Challenge your brain. Is there a class you've always wanted to take, a sport you want to try, something you'd like to study? Play scrabble, attend a lecture, or take up a new hobby. Be passionate and don't be afraid to dream.

Create a memory friendly environment. As we age, we learn more slowly, retain less information and our memory is less sharp and reliable. We may go blank when trying to recall a person's name, retell a story or walk into a room. Utilize a calendar, watch, a daily journal and a "to do" list to keep yourself organized. Minimize distractions and visualize your actions. Use repetition, rehearsal and reinforcement as a way to enhance memory be it putting your keys in the same place or recalling someone's name after meeting them for the first time.

While aging has its ups and downs, with the right attitude one can feel blessed at the prospect of coming of age. Happy 80 and 85^th birthday, to my very special Mom and Dad.

Dr. Batya L. Ludman is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Ra'anana.  Send correspondence to [email protected] or visit her website at www.drbatyaludman.com. Her book, Life's Journey. Exploring Relationships-- Resolving Conflicts, has recently been published by Devora Publishers.