By:  Bernie Kastner, PhD, MPH

While a good formal education can provide us with the basic knowledge that we need in the areas of math, language, science, history, and the like, there are other areas of life in which  we do not get enough basic training in school are: anger management, boundary issues, negotiating skills, and what to say or not to say when someone is grieving. 

There are books that have been written on the  proper conduct upon entering a house of mourning.   These books do contain some good tips, but most of these  guidelines are rather technical in nature, so I would like to address  the more spiritual side.

Saying the wrong thing to someone who just lost a loved one can be very hurtful, to say the least.  Many mourners have told me that they have become  downright angry and bewildered with visitors who may have had good intentions, but nevertheless did more harm than good by their visit.

 Some examples of well-meaning but inappropriate and hurtful comments include: "Hashem wanted it to work out that way," "Be strong - that's how your father would want you to be," "Don't worry - everything will be alright," "Come on, get a hold of yourself," "Don't cry in front of the children," "He's in a better place now, "It was his time to go," "So did you hear about the incredibly large sale I made a few days ago?"

Sometimes even common sense won't help us figure out how to behave when sitting in front of someone bereaving.  There are those who will initiate and steer a conversation away from the subject of the deceased in order to "take one's mind away from" the grieving.  But  distraction really flies in the face of the whole point of sitting shiva.  Sometime, our own inability to  face the bare facts ourselves causes us to  fail in our responsibility to bring comfort to those in their ultimate moment of need.

So what can we do?  What can we say that will make a difference? 

First of all, we need to recognize that there are two processes going on here simultaneously - the first is the person who is grieving and the pain he/she is feeling.  The second is the pain of the soul who just departed.  On some level, we need to be prepared to deal with and address both.

Many  of the books recommend  waiting until the griever turns to you and addresses you first.  Then take the lead from him and respond accordingly.  This is generally good advice, but what if the mourner is not the talkative type?  Is it better to just sit in silence thereby giving the mourner the feeling of   "being there" for him, or is it better to come armed with something inspirational to say?

Sitting in silence can be awkward, indeed.  Some will impulsively say anything just to break the silence.  That can turn out to be the opposite of what the mourner wants to hear.  So acknowledging the silence would be a better approach.  Consider saying: "I am embarrassed to say that I didn't come prepared with any particular words of wisdom for you, so instead, if it is OK with you, I'll just sit here next to you in silence while letting you know that I share your hurt and pain."  Brutal honesty works.  I can guarantee you that no mourner will respond by saying "in that case, what good are you to me?"

There are those who come armed with funny jokes.  While that could indeed be entertaining, we don't want to turn the house of mourning into a house of frivolity.  If the jokes are ones that the deceased used to tell,  that would shed a different light on them.  Humor can certainly be injected into a discussion, as long as it can be tied in a positive way to the deceased. 

The main focus should be on the soul of the departed.  After all, death is about the deceased - not about those who are left behind.  Many times we get this basic fact backwards, and it turns the mourning environment into an emotional fest that is very difficult to alter or tolerate. 

I believe that it is safer to talk about the departed than it is to speak to the emotional state of the grieving family.  Of course it is perfectly acceptable to offer help by asking  questions like: "Can I do any shopping for you today?"  Would you like me to pick up your child from school?"  "I would like to prepare supper for your family - would you prefer a meat or dairy meal?"

But beyond those "to do" things, another good approach would be to  find a way to comfortably direct the discussion towards the departed soul for the grieving family.  Relating a heartwarming personal story which is not well known about the deceased, or recapping the acts of kindness he used to do, are good places to start.  Or ask the mourner to tell you what particular personal quality about the deceased stands out in their minds.  What specific quality in the deceased can we strengthen in ourselves in order to make us into better people?

Those of us who have grieved in similar circumstances also may be in a position to contribute to the comfort of the mourners if it is done with humility.  Ever since I lost a 19-year old son to an illness, when paying a shiva call to parents who lost a child, I find myself less intimidated by the atmosphere in the house.  Of course I would never say "I know what you're going through".  Never is the pain exactly the same for people in similar circumstances of loss.  But I do feel an obligation to say something like "time will do its part.  Look at me - I am capable of smiling again - hopefully one day, you too, will be able to do the same".  Coming from someone who is a member of the same "club" (in this case, the bereaved parents club) has a better chance of being heard.  Those of you who find themselves in similar circumstances as the bereaved one ought not be shy; take the initiative and lead by example.  You would be doing a tremendous chesed by giving someone just the right amount of chizzuk in their hour of need.

Dr. Bernie Kastner is a Psychotherapist in private practice with offices in Jerusalem and Ramat Beit Shemesh.  He is also the author of “Understanding the Afterlife in This Life” and “Masa El Haor”. Feel free to visit his website at www.drbkastner.com.  He can be reached at [email protected]