WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FEEL SAFE?
You feel safe when you know you're cared for, that you're protected from danger and you have someone who has their eye out for you. When you're choosing who to bring into your life, it's important to know how to assess the healthy people from the potentially dangerous people. The ones who offer a sense of safety and let go of the ones who bring chaos, drama or danger.
YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO FILTER "SAFE PEOPLE" FROM UNSAFE PEOPLE.
- When you're out with someone, check in with how you're feeling.
- What's the vibe you're getting?
- Are they tuned in to you? Are they listening intently to what you're saying?
- Do you notice any red flags?
- Are you feeling spaced out or overwhelmed? See if there's something coming up that's needing some attention
HERE ARE SOME TIPS FOR YOUR SAFETY FILTER:
HERE ARE SOME OF THE CHARACTERISTICS YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING OUT FOR:
HUMILITY:
These individuals often have a strong sense of self, yet don't need to prove it to the world. They are humble, gentle and interact with others from a place of mutual respect. It feels enjoyable to have them in your presence as they value you, appreciate your input and can engage in balanced back and forth conversation.
CONSISTENCY:
These are people who start a relationship and stick with it. They usually have solid relationships with themselves, feel comfortable in their own skin and feel safe getting close to others. They won't leave you hanging or abandon you in the cold. They are committed, interested in relationships that have depth and can engage in a real life kind of way. They aren't looking for shallow relationships and often stay away from perfectionistic thinking.
COMPASSION:
They have room for forgiveness, understanding and make authentic connections with others. They can see who you are, what you may be worried about and lean in to getting to know you as a person.
RESPONSIBILITY:
You'll know this person is responsible by the way they care for themselves and how they manage their lives. They take good care of their living environment, their daily responsibilities and goals at work and in their personal life. They think ahead, making choices wisely and follow through on their word. They take accountability for their actions and do their best to correct things when they're in the wrong. You'll find yourself feeling grounded and steady around people like these as their energy is consistent, calm and reassuring.
AND HERE ARE TRAITS THAT SHOULD MAKE YOU TAKE A BIG STEP BACK:
CRITICAL:
If you're getting the message from this person that nothing anyone ever does is good enough, that their life is always disappointing them and others are never living up to their expectations, take the exit sign before becoming their next complaint. The individuals often are unhappy, unfilled and fill find the next person to blame for their misery. You don't need to be that person. Move on.
FLAKEY:
We all know those people who make plans but never, ever, ever pull through. After a certain point in time is sucks. They're usually all over the place in their lives and can't keep things together, let alone their timing and the commitments to you. Don't waste your precious energy waiting for them to remember your event, your coffee date or the favor they promised they'd pull though on. Let them go. You can always revisit connecting when they show new behaviors, but until then, move onward.
OBSESSORS:
These people hold onto grudges for a long time, obsess over every incident and can't seem to find a way to move on, be it from something years ago or something someone may have said to them 5 minutes ago. Being around this person ends up feeling like a drag, and you'll often leave feeling like your energy has been sucked dry. If they get a feeling that you're letting them down, you may start feeling anxious and guilt ridden, although there may not be anything you've done wrong.
DEFENSIVE AND DISHONEST.
If you gently suggest feedback on something that has been said or that happened, they quickly get defensive. You'll get the feeling that something might be off or feels fishy when you ask some more personal questions. They may be hiding a part of themselves or say "half lies" about who they are or what they're up to. Trust the gut feeling that may be letting you know their honesty isn't up to par.
NEXT TIME YOU'RE OUT, TAKE YOUR SAFE FILTER WITH YOU SO YOU CAN SIFT THE SAFE, HEALTHY PEOPLE AND ALLOW THEM IN YOUR CIRCLE OF FRIENDS.
LET THE OTHERS OUT OF YOUR FISHING NET, AND YOU'LL THANK YOURSELF LATER!
CHEERS TO SAFE RELATIONSHIPS!
*originally posted on integrativepsych.co
Esther Goldstein LCSW is psychotherapist and trauma specialist with a private practice in Cedarhurst, NY. Esther specializes in treating professionals with anxiety, overwhelmed moms and individuals who want to have more meaningful relationships. Specialty areas include: EMDR therapy, somatic therapy, trauma treatment, complex ptsd and dissociative disorder treatment. As well, Esther provides trauma informed consultation to therapists committed to improving their trauma-informed practice and attachment focused EMDR consultation to therapist attaining hours towards EMDRIA certification. Esther's website is Integrativepsych.co