“Something’s making me feel really uncomfortable. I’m going to take a moment before continuing onward.”

“Every time I spend time at this place/with this person I’m left feeling insecure and doubtful. Hmm, something to look at.”

“I don’t like when you talk to me like that.”

“Can you please take a step back, this feels too close for me.”

“His/Her comment is making me rethink my offer. I need to see if this is aligned with what I want right now.”

“Something about this conversation isn’t sitting right, I will take space for myself and decide what I need to do or say next.”

These are all rumblings that let you know that something isn’t feeling right; a boundary that is asking to be honored.

When boundaries are clear and secure, you can feel safe and trusting in your own skin.

However, when your boundaries are blurry, unstable or keep shifting based on those around you, you’ll be left with nagging doubt, insecurity and a feeling of nervousness. Let’s help you set clearer boundaries so we can zap the anxiety and ambivalence out!

The B word is a hot one. Boundaries.

What do boundaries mean and why do we need them? A boundary is a line, a limit, a space and a communication. Boundaries are what lets us know when we need to speak up, when we need to do something to care for ourselves and when we need to say yes or no to others, offers or opportunities.

Boundaries aren’t already ‘set up’, rather boundaries need to be personalized by each of us.

Of course, we are all raised with specific messages, patterns, and limits that are either respected or violated, which impact how we relate to boundaries. At the same time, as we develop and mature, we get an inner “sense” of what feels right and what simply does not.

Simply stated, boundaries are limits that you set for yourself in all areas of life. They are verbal and nonverbal communications to self, others and the world.

Some of the ways we set boundaries are by:

• Saying Yes.

• Saying no.

• Stepping into a difficult yet important conversation with a love one.

• Stepping out of conflict.

• Asking for what you need.

• Deciding on privacy needs.

• Knowing how much physical distance/closeness you need.

• Choosing how to spend your money.

• Defining your values and spiritual beliefs, and how to practice them.

• Knowing how much energy to spend with certain people and topics.

If boundaries are so clear and understood by most of us, then why do so many of us struggle with the nuances? Because we all want to be loved. We all want to feel needed. We all want to be pleasing to others.

Learning how to get love and receiving approval often get blended.

Love does not mean making the other person happy at all times or being available for all their requests. It means showing up when it is reasonable for you and the other person, tolerating disappointment when you cannot be there for the others’ needs, as well as tolerating your own disappointment when someone else lets you down.

This is different than people pleasing. Pleasing others’ needs is not love; it is a pressured need to appease the other so they seem “happy” or “content”, usually at attempt to avoid guilt or discomfort.

If you were able to look at the times you struggled with setting and/or sticking to your boundary needs {and our gut usually is pretty clear on when something feels right or not}, look inward.

What made you step on your own boundary?

• Was it a fear of being hurt, disliked or left out?

• Were you worried you’d come across as “mean” or “unkind”?

• Have you over-identified with the neediness of the other person and felt bad turning him/her down in the ways you’ve been turned down?

• Do you not even know how to say “NO” because it hasn’t been in your vocabulary and feels foreign to you?

• Are you used to people asking you for favors and violating boundaries {obvious boundaries or nonverbal boundaries} that you don’t even know what it would look like to set boundaries?

Take some time to notice what specific issue comes up for you that inhibits you from setting your boundary. That will be the first step to creating any shift as you decide to get more clear in your self and in your relationships.

As much as we want to avoid discomfort, the feelings of resentment and frustration that bubble up when we don’t set boundaries are worse than short lived discomfort.

Boundaries are essential for fiercely protecting valuable and rich relationships. They are what allow relationships to deepen and blossom.

Need some help with setting limits? Here are 5 tips!

1. Drop the Mind-Reading

You may get caught in a “mind-reading” game of assuming that the other person is upset or irritated with the boundary you’re setting. You have no idea what they are thinking, and trying to mind read will leave you feeling powerless and even aggravated. And, if they have something to share, they can share it. Your job is to be clear with what feels right for you. You are overtaking accountability when attempting to mind read. Let the other person communicate with you if there’s something necessary to be shared. Your job is focusing on you.

2. Check your Assumptions - Past VS Present

If you notice that you hesitate before saying no, or setting a healthy limit for yourself, check if you’re assuming the other person will get angry with you. If you were raised with unpredictable family members or were impacted by someone who had unstable moods and would either ignore you {or others you observed} or go into a rage when setting a limit, you may be projecting that onto your reality today.

If you are with those kinds of people in your life right now, it may be time to filter those relationships out, or when appropriate, do the work to make the relationship a safer one for you to be in. But if these elements are not at play, but you still feel fearful, check you assumptions; is it based in the here-and-now or are you spiraling into the past?

You may find that some people will easily honor and respect your boundaries and say “OK, thanks for being clear” or “I’m so happy you can be transparent with me". The more of those experiences you have, the easier setting limits will be.

3. Embrace Discomfort

The tough part about setting boundaries? the discomfort. The good part? getting used to discomfort and embracing the joys that come with the new-found ability to say yes with authenticity, excitement and love. And learning to say no, unapologetically and with ease.

Notice the urge to avoid the argument, the pushback or resentment, but don’t let it stop you.

Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes.

The message still comes across, and you’ll be thankful for sticking to it in the long run. It doesn’t get easier overnight, it gets easier with practice.

4. Own your power

In order to honestly say “ I love you”, “Yes let’s hang out”, “Yes let’s try this new thing” or “No that won’t work”, you have to step into your power.

Try this somatic mind-body exercise: Take a moment to breath into your back. Slowly stretch up, making your spine as long as possible. Feel the strength of your spine and lengthen each vertebrae as you stand strong and tall as you speak up for yourself.

The way we carry our bodies send messages to not just others, but also to ourselves. When standing tall, confident and strong, you send the message to your mind that you can do or say exactly what you’re intending to share. Stand in your strength, and let the insecurity shrink.

5. Drop the Shame in Selfish

There is absolutely no shame in being selfish when it comes to your health. In codependent dynamics or in enmeshed relationships you may find that you think you’re being selfish when you’re simply taking care of yourself. As we all know, you can only tend to others with love and devotion when you first have your needs cared for. Practicing nourishing self care and ensuring that you are emotionally, mentally and spiritually balanced is a beautiful {and necessary} practice.

Easy steps to setting clearer limits today: For your next conversation

• Know your needs. What do I need to have part of my routine to keep myself healthy? This is between you and yourself as well as between you and others.

• Be clear and specific in request with others, it avoid confusion or mix-ups.

• Practice mindfulness so you can tolerate push-back or emotionally fueled responses to new limits you’re setting.

• Remember that limits are to preserve healthy relationships. A no is also a way to say yes.

• Be open to negotiate and discuss with the other person.

• Don’t overtake responsibility or take their issue {with you/your limits} personally.

Looking ahead: Start today. One step at a time.

As you evolve as a person, you get to be clearer about what you need, and have a right to set new limits. And as you do that, you can expect push-back and obstacles.

Obstacles let you know that you’re doing something right; you’re not staying at status quo.

You’re pushing for something better, something richer. Take a flexible stance to whatever comes up, be it old beliefs that feed the old way of engaging with others. Whip out a journal or art canvas {for those of you creatives like me, who find art to help you unravel thoughts } and see what comes up for you.

Remember that you are the one who is responsible for getting your needs met.

No matter how much your mom, dad, sister, brother, husband, wife, best friend or colleagues love you, they cannot mind read. Also, people can only show up for us in the ways that we allow them to. Delineate the roads for those to travel with you. Watch how things may slowly shift in relationships

Be prepared for “NO”s.

When you set new boundaries you’re also letting others and the world know that you’re able to hear and receive “No”s from others. You may see some relationships fizzles, some opportunities fall to the wayside or the like. Don’t let this discourage you, rather see it as a sign of getting crystal clear about what you need vs what does not serve you.

When calm and clear about boundaries, you’re carving a personalized doorway that allows love, warmth, connection and blessing to pour in.

Want more information about boundaries, trauma, nonverbal cues and the body? Read this article about boundaries and shifting body beliefs.

If you’ve been struggling with knowing what boundaries are right for you, or are needing some deeper level healing to help you feel more secure and confident, it may be time for therapy. 

I encourage you to reach out to a local therapist. If you need help connecting with resources or a therapist in your neighborhood, I'd be happy to be a resource. Feel free to reach out here.

*posted originally on integrativepsych.co