It is a manifestly true assertion, one often made, that the two biggest and most important jobs that we all have, and for which we are least prepared, are marriage and parenting. We tend to think that since we watched our parents' marriage, and saw what we liked and what we did not like, we will know exactly what to do in our own marriages-a manifestly false assertion. In addition, since we were all "parented" and, again, saw what we liked and we did not like, we enter into parenting thinking we know it all.

It comes as a rude awakening, upon having the first big argument with our spouse, that marriage may not be as easy as we thought. As the weeks and months pass by, the awareness that living together well with someone is not only difficult, but we really do not know much about what we are doing. However, if everyone else can do it, so can I. We, then, proceed to operate by the seat of our pants, with a hit or miss kind of approach. It is true that "trial and error" does work some of the time, but it is very wearing and tearing on the nervous and emotional systems. It begins to swallow up energy that would be better spent on doing things, in our marriages, that are more likely to succeed.

It is not much different with parenting. Most couples really believe that they know how to parent. Everyone has ideas about good and bad parenting, and we are sure that we know what the right and wrong approaches are. The day finally arrives, for all of us, when we are faced with situations that seem to defy all logic and whatever we try, flops. The first few "flops" are not earth-shattering, but when we begin to see the behaviors, in our child/children, which were exactly the ones that we were trying to correct, most of us begin to have doubts, to say the least, concerns or fears that we may not know as much as we thought we did. However, it is not until most of us are in deep trouble (we think) that we seek help.

What would happen if we could get a "heads up" on parenting? Would we not be better off if we began our parenting careers feeling that we have some solid and practical tools and skills that would really make a difference? Of course we would!

The truth is that there is a great deal of helpful information as well as workshops and courses that are available if sought. What we need is some consciousness-raising that we all need, without exception, to avail ourselves of what is out there. Like anything else of value, it takes a desire and effort to find the appropriate workshop or books, but If we truly understood that we all come into parenting without really knowing what we are doing and that there really are skills and tools that can help us become better parents, we would all seek them.

I am here to tell you that there is not one of us, not one of us, who does not need help with parenting. If you are smart, whether you have very young children, elementary school age children, middle or high school age children, you will seek out good parenting books/courses/workshops. You cannot imagine how knowing or having a handle on good and practical parenting skills can change the quality of your life. When you improve your ability to relate and understand your child/children, your life and the life of your child move to a new and healthier plane. There is tremendous gratification in knowing that you are doing something that is right, or that, at least, you are trying to perfect your parenting practices. None of us will ever be perfect parents because we are human, but our children are more likely to forgive us our mistakes when they know that we are sincerely trying to be better and more understanding parents. And, we all make mistakes, but if you are growing, seeking, changing not only will your child respect you for those efforts, but you have communicated one of the most important life-lessons to your child, and that is, that none of us are perfect but we strive toward perfection. You want to be the best parent for your child that you can be; he/she, in turn, will want to be, because you have shown him/her the way, the best person he can be. What more can a parent ask for?

Miriam Lowenbraun

MS in Counseling, Johns Hopkins University

Founder of the Institute of Basic Parenting which offers parenting workshops and lay-leader training