She was larger than life in every way. She was loud, towering and intimidating. 500lb of full-time drama. The secretaries in the clinic would run and hide. Heaven help us all if the water cooler was empty. Heaven help me if I was 2 minutes late.  The abandonment wound she carried was gaping, and even the smallest slight was a knife in that wound for her. But only I understood that. I knew her way beyond the drama. I knew her story and her pain. And I knew her bravery. A cat has nine lives, but she had at least 90.

Her faith was beyond compare. Things always seemed to go wrong in her life, and frequently it wasn't her doing. It was just her lot, but she always found some clever way to dig out of a hole and she always amazed me. Whenever I asked her, "so what's your plan?" It wasn't to empower her. It was because I know she already had a plan. I just needed to help her polish her public presentation.

My clients mean the world to me. And I loved this lady with a love that was as big as she was. Our therapy ended many years ago, but there were calls once or twice a year, usually just to check in. And they always ended the same way, "I love you, Lili. I really do." And I would answer, "I love you back."

I've never lost a client before. I tell myself that these individuals whose lives I have helped turn around dramatically from childhood trauma and personality disorders to effective functioning will have a chance to live long lives in their newfound mental health. I tell myself that because I need to believe they will have a chance to live normally.  I certainly did not want to lose one the way that I did. Sitting down at the kitchen table to polish my nails before Yom Tov, I scrolled through my email while the first coat dried. I found out by email..."Burial of...(her name)" in the title. I opened it, as i exclaimed "NoNoNo!!" I had missed the levaya, just up the block from my house, by 20 minutes. I paced up and down and wrung my hands and cried. I looked for my car keys but where was I going? I had missed it. 

Nothing ever knocked this woman down. Not being literally abandoned, not unceasing poverty, not lack of education, not any of the other terrible life experiences she went through. She plowed forward with incomparable faith. And a virus got her! What would she say to this? That's what I search for now. Because so often it felt like her guiding me through her life struggles, with her easy faith. 

 Therapists maybe feel helpless frequently, but this was a whole entire new type of helpless. Helpless to be able to accompany this deeply faithful, deeply loving person, for whom I was at the top of the list of important people, as she left a hole in the world and brought her glow to the heavens. All I could think was, she's wondering where I was. I felt I had failed her.