Did you ever wonder why the difficulty of putting a shidduch together is compared to the difficulty of splitting the red sea apart? Why do we use a comparison of splitting when talking about putting together? There may be several reasons. But, consider this: isn’t finding the right one, also about staying apart from the ones that aren’t right?
Although, as we know, everything that has already happened has happened for a reason, that doesn’t mean that going forward we shouldn’t be doing what we can to ensure that our marriages are happy long lasting ones. This means understanding how to look for the right person, as well as being able to recognize when someone merely looks like a good match, but actually isn’t one.
Working as a therapist for over 20 years, there are some issues that you notice keep coming up over and over.
Bracha came in talking mostly about how she just couldn’t take her husband’s temper. “You know” she said, “I actually saw this while we were dating. On our fourth date, the waitress at the hotel lobby we had gone to, did something my now husband didn’t like. Well, did he start yelling at her! I remember being so uncomfortable. But there was so much positive I had heard about him and everything else between us seemed to just add up. The person I spoke with about this incident said that the information on his character was sterling, from everyone she had spoken to. I couldn’t see a way of figuring out if this was significant or a more minor occurrence. I let myself be convinced that it was the latter, and just moved forward. Years later, it’s still the thing that makes me miserable.”
After seeing too many people unhappy in their marriage, often unhappy with things they saw while dating, but didn’t know how to investigate or interpret, it occurred to me that perhaps we needed to teach people in the parsha how to date smarter. Although a lot can be said on the subject, the core messages are fairly simple.
There are two distinct aspects in finding the right person to marry. There is compatibility, which we usually think of as something between the two people, but which may also include, in our community, the compatibility of the two families. Then there is the importance of finding someone with the necessary middos and proper perspective on marriage, to actually have a healthy relationship.
Determining Compatibility:
It is probably true that if two people have the right attitude about marriage and are committed to treating their spouse with the middos appropriate in marriage, much of the problems associated with incompatibility would not arise. However, in today’s day and age, people have a standard about the marriage they want to have. That marriage includes a certain kind of connection and deep relationship between spouses, that necessitates compatibility or a really good ‘fit’ between husband and wife.
What does this mean and how does someone define who they ‘fit’ with? Compatibility can seem to be an elusive concept, hard to define, quantify and describe. Although many people will be able to tell you what they are looking for in some of the concrete areas of compatibility. The general sense of what type of person you will have the best relationship with can sometimes be harder to talk about. Take a look at some of the areas that are important in determining compatibility, with an eye towards both defining who you are, as well as, with whom you think you may fit. You may even want to draw two columns. In the first you can write what type you think you are. In the second, the type of person you think you best ‘fit’ with.
Emotional compatibility: This refers to the different ways people react to the world and the issues in life that they have to face. Are you more high strung, nervous, excitable? Are you more laid back, or even keeled? Are you more happy-go-lucky or more thoughtful and introspective? Are you very expressive about how you’re feeling or more reserved? Are you better at taking things in stride, or often deeply affected by things? Have you had to deal with a lot on life (adversity, tragedy, etc.) or has life been smooth and therefore maybe you have a more innocent view of the world. Do you approach the world with more of a glass half full perspective or that of a glass half empty attitude?
Intellectual Compatibility: Intellectual compatibility can actually incorporate a whole host of things beyond just ‘smarts’. This also includes your interests, the type of things you enjoy doing, or what you feel is important to do. This includes your outlook on life and how you want to spend your time. It includes what you find interesting, amusing, important, boring or a waste of time.
Spiritual Compatibility: In the frum community, this area has come to include more than hashkafos. What do you think of in terms of your future? What kind of boy do you have in mind in terms of learning/earning? Where do you want to live? What kind of community do you want to be a part of? What kind of home do you want (what would you want to allow in and what would you not)? What types of careers might be acceptable for husband or wife; what kinds of schools do you see your children in, etc.
Familial Compatibility: While it may be true that the closer two people’s backgrounds are, the more alike their family ‘traditions’ will be, there are usually at least some differences from family to family both in terms of religious minhaggim, as well as how other parts of life are handled. An example of this may be whether in your family your father’s schedule allows him to be home more, helping out with the household and the children, or is his work schedule such that he does very little in the home?
For our purposes, familial compatibility refers to both how similarly two people’s families do things, but more significantly, how important it is to you that things be the same or extremely similar, in the family that you marry in to. Some people are incredibly sensitive to things being done a certain way and really have a hard time with variation. Others, are more casual about incorporating or changing how they do things in deference to someone else’s ways. Are you comfortable marrying into a family where shabbos, yom tov, or even day to day living may be different than what you are used to. If not, what are the things that you feel are important to have in common?
Miscellaneous Compatibility: Here we refer to the other things that might be part of who someone is, but not really fit into one of the other categories. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Do you like to be very social and involved in a lot of things or you more of a home body? Are you more of a spender or a saver? Do you find nice things very important, somewhat important or not important at all? Etc.
So, How Does One Determine Compatibility and Does Compatibility Mean Carbon Copy?
The short answer is no. Compatibility can mean being alike in certain areas, but it can also mean two people complement each other and are in fact quite different in other areas. Once you’ve thought about who you are, with regards to these areas, you can start to think about who you should be looking for, who would be compatible.
Generally, it’s important that a couple be alike in the areas that relate to the type of lifestyle they want, as well as, future goals and aspirations. It is in the areas of emotional, intellectual, familial and miscellaneous qualities that compatibility is variable. In these areas, one needs to determine whether they ‘fit’ better with someone who is similar to them, or complements a particular part of their personality. To understand who someone connects with on that deeper emotional level, you can use your life and relationship experiences.
In our community, it is unlikely that you have had relationships with members of the opposite gender to help inform you. That doesn’t mean you don’t have relationships on which to base your understanding about who you fit with emotionally and in terms of personality type. Think about who you find yourself most compatible with in your peer relationships. You may have a large group of friends, but there are usually that inner few who are a person’s closest friends. What are they like in the various areas of compatibility? What makes them stand out from the larger group of friends, which makes them your best friends? Perhaps, you have been involved with people from a chesed project, school project or job you’ve had. Are there some that you gravitate toward more than others? Why? What distinguishes them in terms of their emotional style or personality type?
This aspect of ‘fit’, that you can notice in your closest peer relationships are an important cue. They can provide you with very good information about what type of person you are comfortable with and relate to best. Putting this information together with whom you feel you would be compatible with in terms of lifestyle, future goals and aspirations, will give you a better picture of what type of person to look for.
Compatibility Is Only Half the Equation:
Most people, when they start dating, have some sort of list of things that they are looking for in a potential spouse. He should be: smart, driven/goal oriented, and serious, OR he should be: laid back, frum but fun, outgoing, etc. Perhaps it’s a good list that accurately reflected who you would be compatible with. Perhaps after reading about determining compatibility, that list will be refined and become even better at reflecting who to look for. Either way, what people need to realize is that finding the person who you are individually compatible with, is only half the task of finding someone with whom you can have a healthy, and fulfilling marriage.
There’s actually another very important list, the list of things that a person needs to be able to give, in order to have a healthy relationship. They are qualities like: respect, honesty, care, support, trust, good/positive communication, love, generosity and so on. These are the basic qualities one finds in a healthy marriage, along with the attitude and understanding that these are things that need to be given by both people in a marriage.
A mistake that can lead to serious consequences is when a person finds someone she feels compatible with in a prospective spouse, and assumes that these ‘basics’ are included. Most people understand that these qualities are the basis for a healthy marriage, so, it’s not surprising when it is assumed that someone who wants to get married must have these qualities. Unfortunately, some people think about marriage in terms of what they are going to get, not what they are suppose to give. Therefore these giving qualities, and the proper perspective one should have about marriage, are things that need to be looked for in addition to looking for individual compatibility.
Sometimes, the mistake made is thatwhen people feel like they’ve found someone with the qualities on their individual list, they think they have checked for these ‘healthy marriage qualities’. Most people think to themselves, “someone who is fun certainly won't communicate in a negative way (be nasty). Someone who is frum won't be disrespectful or untrustworthy. Someone who is outgoing, or popular (seemingly well liked), probably isn’t dishonest, or not generous, etc.”
The unfortunate reality is that these things are not by definition incompatible. If you find someone fun, frum and outgoing (as in the above example) you still need to take a close look if you think you see hints of nastiness, disrespect, untrustworthiness, dishonesty or a lack of generousity. If you have some concerns over any of these things, even in a more minor way, you need to take a closer look.
During dating, the indications that someone might not have the proper attitude or qualities to make a healthy spouse are often very subtle hard to see. If the prospective marriage partner matches your “personal list,” you may be strongly tempted to overlook the little hints that could indicate issues in his ability to have a healthy relationship. You’re so hoping that your search is over!
This might push you to tell yourself, “that’s not the real him,” as if his having positive qualities means the negative incident or quality you witnessed must be an anomaly. For some people, the contradiction of negative existing with positive is so incomprehensible, that even when they do see it they conclude that it must be a misunderstanding on their part.
Take Shira, for example. Her mother made an appointment for a consultation because she was worried that Shira was overlooking a potentially negative quality in the boy she was dating. When Shira came in, she explained that Dovid, the boy she is dating is wonderful, and that her mother is nervous over nothing.
“Let me tell you about Dovid” she started. “He is so attentive. He always has something planned for our dates. Several times during each date he’ll ask if I’m enjoying myself, if I’m bored, if I’m happy with what we’re doing.
“One time, I had an upsetting phone call right before we went out. He could tell right away that something was bothering me and he wanted to know if he could help. I mean, he was so in tuned. But my mother is convinced, because of a few little things that happened on our dates, that he’s stingy. I mean, how ridiculous, right? You can’t be attentive and stingy!”
Because the negative or unappealing quality can co-exist with the positive, it’s important, during the dating process, to ‘date smart’ in order to determine real compatibility as well as whether the person you’re thinking of marrying has the qualities it takes to have healthy marriage. Dovid, from the above example, may or may not be stingy, or stingy enough for it to bother Shira. The problem is that if you don’t consider it a possibility for two seemingly opposing qualities to be able to co-exist in one person, you can’t even begin to check out things that might be very important to know.
What Does It Mean To Date Smart?
In order to help people understand how to do date in a way that will give them the information to make a good decision about whom to marry, I like to use the metaphor of the wedding dress. There are two facts that we can say about kallahs and their wedding dresses. The first is that all kallahs attend their weddings in a wedding dress. There may be different ways they got their dresses – from a friend, a gemach, a store, while some are custom made. How long it takes for the kallah to find her dress may also vary – some find the right one at the first place they shop, others look for months. But in the end, every kallah attends her wedding in a wedding dress.
The second truth is that all kallahs try the dress on before they decide that this is the right dress. No kallah sees a dress hanging on a hanger and decides it will be a great fit, telling the sales/gemach woman “Great, I’ll take it. No, no need to try it on. I’ll put it on the day of the wedding, it’ll be fine.” In fact not only will she put it on to see how it fits and how it feels, she’ll also see if she can walk in it, sit in it, how it looks from the back, front, and sides. She’ll show it to her mother or mother-in-law or sister(s) maybe friends for their opinions. But, it’s unimaginable to think of a kallah walking around a dress while it sat on a hanger and deciding from that vantage point, even with the input of others, that it would be a suitable fit.
But consider this: often a girl makes a decision about the person she is dating and whether the relationship should go forward from exactly that vantage point. This isn't referring to the length of the dating process. “Dating smart’ and getting into the relationship to see if someone is really suitable, is about how you date, not how long you date. It means that if a question, or concern comes up, you address it with the person you are dating. Looking at the issue while standing back from it, only eliciting the opinions of outsiders, is nowhere near as informative as tackling the question or concern with the person you have the question or concern about.
Whether the question or concern you have is about an area of compatibility or about those qualities necessary for a healthy marriage, a first step to figuring things out should include getting information about the issue from inside the relationship. Consider Shaindy and her question about compatibility:
Shaindy was redt to Chaim, a boy described as a smart, serious learning boy whom everyone said has wonderful middos. He also happened to be from a very chashuv and wealthy family. After two dates Shaindy didn’t know what to do. She could see Chaim’s good qualities, but he was so quiet. She did most of the talking and it was bordering on the painful to keep things going. She told her parents (who told the shadchan) that she just didn’t see how she could go on, though she was conflicted because they had heard such nice things about him, and what little she could see, his attentiveness, his character, was impressive.
Shaindy could listen to her mother, “ You can’t continue with a boy you can’t talk with Shaindy. I know you, you won’t be happy with someone who is nice but who you can’t connect with.”
Shaindy could listen to the shadchan, “yes, it’s true I heard from people that he is shy at first but his friends all love him. He probably just needs to get to know you. He wants to move forward, you should just go out and see. I’m telling you, he’ll warm up eventually.”
Or, Shaindy could decide what the truth is about Chaim from inside the relationship and on their next date say, “you know Chaim, I feel like I’m doing all the talking. I hope I’m not manipulating the conversation, or are you just more reserved?”
Does Chaim say, “yeah, I guess-” Does the conversation once again end unless Shaindy keeps it going, virtually by herself?
Does Chaim say, “I think I am a bit more reserved at first. But also, my rebbe told me I shouldn’t get too personal too quickly; my father told me to be a good listener; and my sister told me not to be too goofy. I wasn’t sure what was left to talk about.” And laughs? Now that the issue has been brought up, does it change things?
These are two very different possibilities and two very different Chaims. The information you get from inside the relationship, about your question or concern, is going to add volumes of information from which to make a decision about the relationship. When it comes to whether you are compatible, in part you will see this by spending time together and asking about the things that are important to you to have in common. When you have a question or concern about an area of compatibility, as Shaindy did, this is an incredible opportunity. Not only can exploring it directly with the person tell you if they are not your ‘type’, if he is, it is often this discussion that deepens the connection and moves a couple to the next level.
Exploring Whether the Proper Qualities for Marriage are Present:
Rochel had gone out with Baruch three times. At the end of each date, Baruch would tell Rochel that he had a wonderful time, that he thought they had really understood each other, or had so much in common, or were really in sync on so many levels, etc. Rochel felt the same way and would come home on a high and tell her parents how well it went. It was really confusing when the shadchan would call and tell them that Baruch needed time to think about going out again. After the third time this happened Rochel was not only confused but also a bit hurt and upset.
She could listen to her mother who said, “He seems like such a lovely boy, and you haven’t liked a boy as much as you like him in I don’t know how long. You told me he’s so expressive, and generous. I’m sure there’s a good explanation for what is going on.”
She could listen to her sister, who wasn’t supposed to, but overheard the issue, and told her, “what a jerk, how could he play with your feelings like that. You shouldn’t go out with him again.”
She could listen to her inner voice telling her, “no one’s perfect, I’m not perfect, you always have to make allowances for someone else.”
Or, she could ask someone how to address this with him and on the next date, if at the end he starts telling her what a great time he had and what a great girl she was, she could say, “You know Baruch, I had a great time too, but I’m a little confused. You tell me these kinds of things at the end of each date, and then the shadchan calls and says you need time to think. I don’t know what to think or how to feel about that.”
Does Baruch say, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I should have told you about my cousin. He rushed ahead on all his dates, didn’t really think about things, got engaged quickly, and long story short, broke his engagement after much agmas nefesh. My aunt is convinced it’s because he is their oldest, they got caught up in the process and moved things along in their excitement to be marrying off, and they didn’t make him take time to think about things along the way. So now my mother makes me take time ‘to think’ even when I know I want to go out again. I see how it must look to you, I’m so sorry.”
Or does Baruch say, “listen, it’s good to keep them guessing, that’s my opinion. Anyway, what’s the big deal. Don’t be so sensitive. It’s really kind of immature. Are you this immature about other things? I thought you were different than that. I had such a good opinion of you.”
When it comes to finding out if this person has the necessary qualities to have a good relationship, it’s important to discuss any concerns you have regarding how you feel (especially when something bothers you) directly as well. When you do this, both his answers and how the discussion is handled tells you a lot about whether he has those middos tovos and proper attitude necessary in marriage. If you raise an issue of concern for you, can you trust that he won’t mock, belittle or make fun of you? Does he seem to care about your concern? Is the conversation you have about it respectful, even if you and he don’t disagree? What is it like to try and communicate with him about a disagreement or concern? Does he listen and take what you say into account, or try and bully you out of your position? Is he honest with what he tells you or does he seem to say different things depending on what he thinks you want to hear, to the extent that there is major deception? As you can see, having this kind of relatively simple (though perhaps intimidating conversation) can tell you about almost every one of the characteristics listed as necessary for having a healthy marriage.
Does This Mean You Shouldn’t Talk Things Out with a Parent, Teacher or Rav?
No! However, initially, when a question or concern comes up, the advice you seek should be about how to raise your concerns with him, not if you should have concerns. If you’re asking questions like, “Do you think he meant it when he said X? Do you think this means he’s Y or going to be like Z if we get married? Do you think what happened is a problem?” it’s a sign that you're deciding about the relationship without trying it on.
Instead, your questions to those you might consult for guidance should be about how to broach an issue you’re having trouble with. Ask, “how can I raise my concern with him over what he said?” or “how should I tell him that I disagree or am uncomfortable with what he told me?” Or, “I’m worried about our compatibility in such and such an area. How can I explore things with him so I can get more information about that?” These are the kinds of questions that help you get into your relationship, to see how it feels to YOU. After you have information about your question or concern from inside the relationship, going back for guidance makes more sense. This information will also help your advisor be more effective in their assessment of the situation. Sometimes, however, addressing the issue directly with the person will clarify things tremendously. Consider Mindy: Mindy was really enjoying Chaim’s company. He seemed to know something about almost every subject and they could talk for hours. The only thing she was bothered by was that even after going out for a while, their conversations never seemed to get personal. They were interesting, but Chaim never seemed to go deeper, something that Mindy really wanted.
After talking through how she might go about addressing this directly with Chaim, on their next date Mindy said, “You know Chaim, I find talking to you so fascinating. One of things I’ve noticed though, is that we haven’t been talking much about ourselves, or more personal stuff. That’s something that I really want to be able to do with someone, what about you?”
Whether Chaim just needed the permission to get more personal, or whether he hadn’t realized that with all the talk about everything else, more personal information was getting side stepped, Mindy’s raising it seemed to make him think. They started talking about themselves- a lot. Things evolved further, and today they are happily married.
A Final Word About Parents and their Child in Shidduchim:
Sometimes, what a child needs or who they will feel compatible with, is not fully acknowledged or understood by the parents who are doing the looking. On the other hand, sometimes, a parent will have an understanding of their child, and what that child needs in a spouse, that the child has not fully come to appreciate yet. A really good place to start ‘dating smart’ is with a calm and open discussion about what each thinks should be looked for, and how to see what needs to be seen in order to find the right one. With this kind of open communication between parents and child, as well as between that child and the person she is dating, iy”H there will be even more, healthy, long lasting choices made.
Lisa Twerski, LCSW, has been working with victims of domestic violence for over twenty years, maintains a private practice in Brooklyn and lectures locally and nationally on many subjects including domestic abuse, marriage, and dating. She has recently published a book entitled, I’m So Confused, Am I Being Abused: Guidance for the Orthodox Spouse and Those Who are Trying to Help?