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A Painful Affront to Shalom Bayis
An Article by Lisa Twerski, LCSW
There is a story in the Gemara (Shabbos 31a) of a man who tells Hillel that he will convert if Hillel can teach him the entire Torah while he, the prospective convert, stands on one foot. Hillel agrees, telling him, “De’alach sanei, lechavrach la sa’avid – That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow.” “This,” Hillel went on to say, “is the entire Torah; all the rest is an elaboration of this. Go study it.”
A healthy, caring and respectful marriage is multifaceted. Many books have been written and many talks have been given on creating and maintaining shalom bayis. In order to understand what goes on in a healthy marriage, however, it is helpful to have a guiding principle on which we can base our understanding of everything else. This principle will also help us understand what may be going wrong in a marriage, how to conceptualize a particular problem and what the appropriate intervention might be.
A healthy relationship is one in which each spouse feels responsible, and sees it as his or her tafkid, to enjoy, consider and take care of the other – emotionally, spiritually, physically and psychologically. When this dynamic is present between spouses it is at the heart of the most fulfilling and healthy marriages. This is not to say that everyone always gets what he or she wants, or that there are not some areas that are deferred to the husband or to the wife, even exclusively. What it does mean is that in a healthy marriage each spouse acts in consideration of the needs, feelings, opinions and perspective of the other. We can refer to this as a functionalmarriage, because both partners are functioning in their intended roles, and the marriage works in the way that it was intended.
Serious affronts to this guiding principle of marriage are due to a breakdown in functioning, what we can refer to as a dysfunctional marriage; or occasionally the problem is domestic abuse. It is important to distinguish between these two serious situations in order to receive or give the right direction. In a dysfunctional marriage, we will find one or both spouses not abiding by this guiding principle. Even when one spouse is functioning in his or her proper role, if the other is not, the marriage can still be dysfunctional. This may occur for a variety of reasons. There might be mental health issues that are getting in the way of the couple’s having a functional, healthy relationship. One of the spouses may have a serious mental illness, an addiction or an anxiety or personality disorder. Sometimes a spouse with a mental health problem may not be emotionally available to focus on or attend to the needs of his or her spouse. This dynamic can also be present when one spouse has experienced some sort of significant trauma and reacts to it by turning inward and withdrawing. This can leave the couple in a great deal of turmoil and distress.
Another major cause of dysfunction in a marriage can be viewed, in general terms, as a basic lack of understanding of the role of a healthy, caring spouse. One or both spouses may be overly focused on themselves and on what their spouse or the marriage, as a new chapter in their life, can provide for them. That focus can permeate many, if not all, aspects of the marriage and cause tremendous tension and discord. This may be due to a lack of chinuch regarding the proper role of a husband or wife.
Sometimes, however, one or both spouses in the marriage may have the right ideas and are even trying to consider and care for their spouse; they just don’t know how. Sometimes a couple has poor or different communication styles, which leads to misunderstandings and discord. Sometimes the couple doesn’t have a mechanism for healthy conflict management, acceptance or resolution; and sometimes one or both spouses will act out of misunderstood or inaccurate assumptions or expectations, leading to disappointment, anger and frustration. There are countless areas of misunderstanding that – if a couple does not have the ability or mechanism to reconcile or manage their differences – can lead to shalom bayis problems.
In cases of domestic abuse, on the other hand, the abuser’s focus on himself is not due to a mental illness, lack of proper chinuch regarding his role, or a lack of understanding of how to fulfill that role. An abusive spouse firmly believes that it is his entitlement to have his needs met by his wife and sees no place for the concept of considering hers. He expects to make all decisions he feels are important and to have the home and his spouse comply with exactly the way he wants things to be. For the abuser, it’s all about him. The abuser believes this so strongly that he is willing to instill fear by utilizing a variety of abusive tactics in order to gain and maintain the control that will ensure that his needs, including the expectation of power over his spouse, are met. (Please note: When discussing dysfunctional relationships, gender-neutral terms have been used, because the dysfunctional spouse is just as commonly the wife as the husband. Where there is domestic abuse, however, in most cases the abuser is the husband, so the pronouns “he” for the abuser and “she” for the victim have been used. However, if it is the husband who is being abused, our understanding of either the problem or the intervention should be no different from what we are discussing here.)
There are a number of tactics that abusers commonly use to gain and maintain their control in the relationship. The following are some of the most commonly employed tactics/demands:
Often the abuser will isolate his spouse from friends or family members in an attempt to keep her focused solely on him. He may accomplish this by monitoring her, by making her account for her time, by checking up on her, or by demanding that she go out only with people and do only things he approves of. He may accomplish this by creating strife between her and her friends and family members, or by making it so unpleasant for her if she attempts to have a social life, that she herself cuts off contact with people. This may happen because he embarrasses her by calling incessantly when she is out, or because he actually picks fights with her friends or family members.
Sometimes there is emotional abuse, including name-calling, breaking things his spouse cares about, or threatening her, the children or her family. Perhaps he does things he knows frightens his spouse, or threatens suicide, if she doesn’t comply with the way he wants things to be. Perhaps he becomes threatening, blocking her way so she can’t leave the room or maybe even locking her in a room because he is displeased with something that she has done. He may tell her that she is to blame for everything that doesn’t go right in his life, or pick on the smallest things to “prove to her” how worthless she is, while never acknowledging all that she does right.
Sometimes an abusive spouse will use finances to exert his control and dominance in the marriage. This may include making her account for every penny she spends while spending freely himself. He may harass her over her every expenditure, questioning her endlessly while at the same time denying her any real access to the finances, or blaming her and putting her down for spending even an insignificant amount in a way he doesn’t approve.
The abusive spouse may deny or minimize the abuse, since he sees his behavior as justified in the service of ensuring that his needs – having things his way and being in control in the marriage – are met. Often, if he acknowledges that any of his behavior is inappropriate, it will be in the course of his blaming his spouse for his “having to” or being “pushed to” behave that way.
Sometimes an apology can be considered a tactic of dominance and control. This apology would come as a result of the abuser’s realizing that he may have gone so far that his wife might reveal his behavior to someone, which would threaten the isolation he’s established to support his control. In a situation like that an abuser might apologize – but his apology will be false. An apology may be identified as a tactic when the apology is invariably followed by a repeat of the same kind of behavior; or when the tone of the apology shows that what he means to say is: “This issue is closed; you should be over it – now, there will be no more discussion of this matter!”
Some abusive spouses will even go so far as to manipulate or twist a halachic source, or to relate something that his Rav supposedly said, to support his behavior or demands. Women often describe situations in which they feel terribly despondent over what a Rav has said in response to something they were unhappy about and told their husband it was a matter for a Rav. When they give the matter more thought, however, they realize that they never heard what their husband actually asked the Rav, or what the Rav actually said. Still, they are too frightened or embarrassed to phone the Rav behind their husband’s back asking him to confirm what he said or to explain it further.
The tactic most people associate with domestic abuse is physical violence. Although physical violence need not be present for a marriage to be defined as abusive, it is still the tactic most clearly recognized as “abuse.” Sometimes this type of abuse is manifest as acts of physical assault, such as pushing, kicking, hitting, choking or slapping. Unfortunately, sometimes the physical assaults happen in the couple’s private life, or the abuser insists on things in that area that are uncomfortable or inappropriate, and, as in other areas in the marriage, he is completely unconcerned with his wife’s feelings about any of this.
What can be very confusing to people who are trying to help someone who is having problems in his or her marriage is distinguishing between the dysfunctional relationship that may have some abusive features, and domestic abuse. In fact, if in two different marriages there are name-calling, demands about how time and money is spent, and demands about housekeeping and childrearing – in one case these inappropriate behaviors could be viewed as being in the larger context of a dysfunctional relationship or spouse, and in the other case these behaviors could be viewed as being a part of the larger picture of domestic abuse. To understand the core difference, let us return to our original guiding principle.
In a dysfunctional relationship, although one or both parties are not making their spouse and his or her needs a priority, the spouse who is not being cared for, thought about or considered, has a variety of options. This is because, although the dysfunctional spouse is focused on him- or herself and is neglecting to consider, indeed may be running over, the needs of his or her spouse, this stems from some sort of deficiency in their ability to care, in their understanding of the responsibility to care, in their understanding of how to care, or in their emotional availability to care about their spouse. This is in contrast to the abusive spouse, who is convinced that this standard of being cared for without caring for his spouse is his entitlement in marriage.
What this means on a practical level is that someone who is married to a dysfunctional spouse may be hurt, disappointed or even intimidated by their spouse’s disregard for them or demands on them; however, if they so wished, they could assert their needs, disagree or make decisions without fear of escalating repercussions. That person would need to step out of the role of the caring, concerned spouse who puts their spouse’s needs ahead of their own. This may be incredibly upsetting, because the healthy spouse in a marriage has always wanted and expected to fulfill that role in the appropriate way. Indeed, this intentional role-change may be frightening, because the anger, or perhaps the fragility, that the unhealthy spouse displays seems difficult to challenge. In fact, a challenge to the dysfunctional spouse’s self-centeredness may at first make the marriage seem even more dysfunctional, because it increases discord, as both spouses are now “fighting” for their own needs. However, in a dysfunctional marriage it is possible to stop assuming the caretaking role and assert one’s own needs. Often, when this shift takes place, especially with professional help, that couple can experience profound change and improvement.
This is very different qualitatively from being married to an abusive spouse. As we have explained, the abusive spouse lives with the conviction that the marital relationship is all about him, and he will do whatever it takes to make sure that conviction is fulfilled. His spouse doesn’t have the option of “fighting” to get her needs or her opinions considered, because if she would try to fight, to “stand up for herself,” she would have to contend with much more than just discord or unpleasantness. In an abusive relationship the abuser will continue to escalate the consequences, making things increasingly unbearable or frightening for his spouse, until she feels she has no choice but to comply with his expectations. She is often too frightened to try and get help from an outside source, because of the consequences that the abuser is willing to impose in order to get his way and maintain his control.
To better understand the core differences between the abusive and the highly dysfunctional relationship, consider the following scenario:
Shaindy was so excited to be marrying Baruch. He had a wonderful reputation and seemed so smart and put-together. At first, life with Baruch was as beautiful as Shaindy had expected. He was interesting, attentive and helpful to friends and family alike. There was one thing, though – it was a little difficult to reconcile Baruch’s emphasis on ruchniyus with his intense attention to detail about everything, his needing to have everything just so. It started with little things, things that Shaindy didn’t mind considering for her new husband. If anything, she thought that was what marriage was about.
When he said that he really didn’t like this back-and-forth to the parents for Shabbos, that he felt it was important to stay home more, she agreed. Well, actually, she tried to explain that her parents didn’t really understand and that she thought it was kind of nice to go to their parents’ homes for Shabbos. At that point Baruch got angry, telling her that it sounded like she didn’t care about him at all and that he couldn’t believe that he had married such an insensitive baby. Shaindy quickly retracted, saying she had never meant to make him so upset, and they could, of course, stay home more often if he felt that strongly about it. She didn’t even point out that since they lived within walking distance of his parents, they still got to spend Shabbosos with them, or with one of his siblings, eating two or even three of the Shabbos meals at one of their homes almost every Shabbos. When Baruch insisted that Shaindy bake challahs every erev Shabbos, no matter where they were spending Shabbos, she tried to tell him that she really didn’t know how, and she felt awkward bringing challahs to his mother’s house when his mother baked her own every week. Baruch countered that a wife who cared would work on her silly insecurities, and told her that only someone who was totally incompetent couldn’t learn how to bake challahs. When, on the first few tries, her challahs didn’t come out just so, he became angry and insulting. Shaindy redoubled her efforts to make Baruch happy, and when she succeeded in making things just so for him, they did have some beautiful times.
Unfortunately, she found that it was becoming impossible to meet his expectations. If she bought something, she could have gotten it cheaper somewhere else. If she made something, his mother’s was better. If she wanted to listen to a Torah tape he would make fun of her for being “typical” and angrily shut the machine.
Shaindy started to feel that she was spending more and more of her time trying to keep up with Baruch’s expectations and less and less time doing anything else. Once she was out with some of her friends, a rare occurrence because Baruch didn’t believe in such “frivolous” outings and made so much fun of her that she would go out only one time for every four times her friends would invite her. While they were out, Baruch called every half-hour asking when she would be coming home. When she got home he wouldn’t talk to her. Over time Baruch expected to weigh in on all decisions – whether it was, could she or couldn’t she volunteer to cook for the shul’s chessed program, or whether she needed a new outfit for a chasunah.
At some point Shaindy started looking at the whole picture and couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Her marriage didn’t look at all like her parents’ caring, harmonious one. All she had been doing was trying to fulfill her role of caring for and about her husband. Shaindy just didn’t understand what was going wrong.
It is not immediately clear whether this is a dysfunctional relationship – one in which Baruch is obviously focused on himself and his needs to the exclusion, almost completely, of Shaindy’s – or whether this is an abusive marriage – one in which Baruch is convinced that this attention is his entitlement, a marriage in which his tactics of control aren’t simply insensitive but are rather intended to instill fear. It is unclear whether he will keep escalating his tactics until she has no choice but to comply because of that fear, the fear of what else he might do.
It is not only Shaindy who would be confused in this situation. A lot of people who might be asked to help would be confused as well. There are many of what would seem to be abusive tactics. Baruch is insulting and demeaning (emotionally abusive), keeps her from friends and family (isolating), and controls the finances.
However, we aren’t told about any times when Shaindy tried to voice her displeasure and challenge Baruch’s core way of treating her. It is possible that if Shaindy would not bake challahs on the weeks they were going out for Shabbos, or if she’d insist on talking to someone, together with him, about his picking on everything she did, or if she’d listen to her shiur regardless of his disapproval, or if she’d say she was going to her parents’ for Shabbos or planning to stay for melaveh malkah and not be rushed home immediately after Shabbos – nothing very bad would happen. He would be angry, he might call her names or try verbally to badger her into doing things the way he wanted, but in a highly dysfunctional marriage, if she held her ground, the consequences wouldn’t escalate. Certainly, this is no one’s idea of proper behavior in marriage, but it isn’t what one would classify as domestic abuse.
If this were in fact a case of domestic abuse, Shaindy would not have the option of standing her ground. An abuser escalates his tactics until things become unbearable. If she insisted on listening to her shiur he would break the machine. If she went out with her friends more than he was willing to tolerate, he might so severely restrict her access to money that she couldn’t go out with her friends, threatening that if she told anyone what was going on, he would leave her. Perhaps she’d come home from an outing and find herself locked out of the house. If she were too embarrassed or scared to let anyone in on what was happening in her marriage, this would leave her very scared, feeling desperate and confused.
Perhaps he’d agree to go to her parents’ for Shabbos, or stay for melaveh malkah rather than rushing home after Havdalah, if the pressure from her and others was strong enough, but there would be frightening consequences. Perhaps while there he would be moody and withdrawn, disappearing after davening and not coming home until long after everyone else arrived. Not only would this instill fear of what consequences were to come, but she would also be so embarrassed that she would start to regret having pressured him to go to her parents’ home and would think many times before making that request again. When they got home, in a physically abusive relationship the consequences might include physical violence. But the relationship doesn’t have to be violent to be considered abusive.
He might punish her by refusing to go back to her parents’ home at all for the next several months, telling her that if she went it would be without him. The consequence would then be that everyone would know about their problems. Perhaps he would tell her how miserable her behavior was making him (her insensitivity to his needs), making her feel guilty over his perceived decline into depression. In her accepting responsibility for being a good spouse, this would feel unbearable. When there are children, some abusers will use the children, and negative consequences to them, or the threat of negative consequences to them, to instill fear and to pressure her to relent. With the children’s welfare at stake, either physically or emotionally, it is easy to understand why she would feel she must comply with his demands.
What needs to be clearly understood is that in a dysfunctionalmarriage, even one in which there are some forms of abusive behavior, there is a lot of pain, hurt and maybe even worry over a spouse’s reactions. In an abusive marriage, on the other hand, there is fear. It may be fear of unbearable consequences, consequences that will escalate until the abused spouse feels it is no longer worthwhile to try and assert her opinions or her needs. Alternatively, it may be fear for her own safety or well-being, or that of her children. This is an extremely important distinction, one that is beyond the scope of knowledge of the layperson. This distinction is important because the interventions are very different, depending on what the specific erosion is in the fundamental principle of building a healthy marriage.
Some interventions are possible when there is dysfunction, but these interventions would be inappropriate and in fact unsafe if the situation were actually one of domestic abuse. When there is domestic abuse it is important to consider safety first and to make sure to include consultation with someone who has expertise in the area of domestic abuse before suggesting and pursuing a particular intervention.
Shalom Task Force is a national organization that assists women and families struggling with troubled relationships at home; it also offers professional guidance and pointers to Rabbis who may be approached for advice by someone in a complex and possibly dangerous situation. To contact Shalom Task Force, call (718) 337-3700 or (888) 883-2323.