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Niddah and Abandonment
by
Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW and Chaya Feuerman, LCSW
Psychotherapists
While the niddah time can be seen as the Torah’s attempt to guide a married couple in how to expand their relationship and appreciation for each other beyond the physical, for some couples it can become an enormous and painful challenge. For various reasons, the very practices and rituals designed to enhance respect and intimacy and be experienced as painful abandonment. However, this week we will begin with an eloquently-written first-person account that a client has courageously asked to be published, to help individuals who are feeling similarly to understand that they are not alone and to give a voice and clarity to their sense of desperation:
I'm already worrying about when I will be a niddah again. Loneliness once more. An unhappy husband who chooses to hold onto his resentments during the times he gets his needs met, so as not to jeopardize his chances of having a good time. When that time is over and there is no chance that his sexual needs will be fulfilled anyway, he can afford to express his anger. While I was a source of his pleasure before, now I am turned into a target and the source of his resentments. It all comes gushing out, like a fire hydrant, flooding me, destroying my essence. It feels like he does not want me to exist.
I know that my husband has a mean streak. The pattern of behavior over the years of our marriage has been the same. I will be the victim of a torrent of expressions of hatred, yelled at, criticized, humiliated and subject to cruel remarks and 'below the belt' statements that betray the intense resentments he harbors and keeps in check during the times that he will get what he wants from me.
And so it goes. I 'forget' about it once that time of the month passes and the abusive behavior comes to a sudden halt. I block it all out of my mind. I enjoy my powers over him and bring pleasure and fun into our relationship. I repress the pain and hurt and am only reminded of it once more when it begins all over again. We make up, forgive, forget and move on with our relationship and the pleasant atmosphere that goes along with the resumption of physical intimacy.
My hurt is buried deep. If I allowed it be remain near the surface I would not be able to give myself to him. If that were to happen, the misery would extend into the times we could have spent having fun together and enjoying each others' company. I know that the complaints and expressions of anger often do have basis in the realities of my own mistakes and faulty communications, including a lack of sensitivity at times toward his emotional or other needs and things that are important to him. At the same time, I also know that there is no place in a marriage or any relationship, for cruelty and 'below the belt' comments.
During these good times we do not talk about our problems. We spend time with each other doing things we enjoy together. My husband will rarely tell me during these times that something is weighing on his mind or heart. He will simply wait until I am not available to him. Then the rage will pour out and make me feel small, stupid, taken for granted, useless and in general irrelevant, simply a burden to him. I have become an object whose only worth is being a physical object.
I do not feel truly valued for who I am. I know in my mind that he values many of my personal attributes and the many things I do for him and for our children. However, honestly, I do not actually feel it on a gut level, in my heart, or my soul. I tell myself I am appreciated and valued by him; after all, he does thank me for many things I do. I comfort myself and 'make do' emotionally with his excitement over my body which I work hard to maintain. I try to enjoy the compliments he gives me and his expressions of gratitude when his needs are fulfilled, which I have made a priority in my marriage, knowing how important it is for him and therefore for the stability and peace in our marriage. I try to enjoy the positive feedback I receive when he expresses appreciation for contributing to the family in other ways as well.
But I am sad and hurting deeply. I also recognize that there is a significant possibility that my feelings of worthlessness that seem to be conveyed to me during these times of physical distance are the result of my personal past hurts and pain that were buried deep within me before I even met my husband. Perhaps much of these feelings are not the reality of how my husband truly feels about me. I don't know and I suspect the answer is complicated.
Nevertheless, the cruel behaviors I experience during the times when I am not physically available, are real and not made up. More importantly, it has become a terribly painful pattern that happens over and over, without any healing, just more pain on top of more hurt and pain. It never gets addressed. We don't talk about it. It hangs around and over us, anonymously, undetected, unnoticed, like an ominous, toxic cloud until we are overcome by its poison.
While the niddah time can be seen as the Torah’s attempt to guide a married couple in how to expand their relationship and appreciation for each other beyond the physical, it can be a challenge for a number of reasons:
- A spouse is uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and uses physical intimacy as a compensation for this shortcoming. Therefore, when there is no opportunity for physical intimacy, the couple experiences a terrible void.ï
- A spouse experienced traumatic emotional abandonment in childhood relationships, leaving him or her "allergic" and reactive to any kind of enforced separation. The normal and fleeting sadness or disappointment of losing physical contact become greatly magnified and is subjectively felt as a betrayal.ï
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- A spouse has a degree of misplaced piety and is overly scrupulous during the niddah state, leaving the other spouse frustrated and emotionally starved. There are those who are so extreme that they allow for little friendliness or affection. While the halachos on the books can seem quite forbidding, it is important to seek guidance from one’s rabbi, as the 'fifth volume of Shulchan Aruch' is very relevant when it comes to sholom bayis.ï
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- A spouse who has poor impulse control and in general experiences difficulty delaying his or her gratification, may find it extremely challenging to abstain from physical intimacy during this time, leading to unwelcome overtures or actions that are felt to be disrespectful by the other spouse.
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- A couple who were not originally religious or observant of these restrictions experiences one spouse who becomes religious as becoming harsh and unreasonable. While the motivation and intention to follow these laws are all positive and with the best of intent, the other spouse may not be ready for all of this and take the restrictions and withdrawal personally, leading to serious conflict in the relationship.
In some couples, there is a convergence of many or all of the above factors, leading to a perfect storm of emotional dysfunction and severe distress during the niddah period.
In order to recognize and resolve these problems it is important to keep in mind a basic principle. The Torah is a wonderful system that works best for those who are physically and emotionally healthy. While it is reasonable to expect a person who is physically well to enjoy a shabbos meal, it would be foolish to wonder why someone with the flu is not singing zemiros and basking in a spiritual glow. Likewise, as wonderful as these rituals and traditions are, for people who are not emotionally well these restrictions may not produce the best outcomes. However, for Orthodox Jews, the halachos of niddah are serious and the spiritual consequences for violating them are severe, leaving many couples trapped in a state that is highly strained and conflicted.
Often while one spouse claims that the other is emotionally distant and avoidant, the counterpart claims the other spouse is too needy, clingy and immature. There are times when both claims are true to a degree. In any case, in such a situation it is imperative to correctly diagnose the precise nature of the problem and develop a plan to remediate it. If one spouse has difficulty with emotional intimacy, the solution comes in part by education and training regarding sensitivities. That is to learn to become more aware and attuned to emotional nuances and to pay attention to the subjective feelings of the other. Individuals such as this may use intellectualization as a defense, dismissing feelings as irrelevant or illogical. Such individuals need to be taught the value and importance of respecting another person’s feelings and to be willing to accept needs that may be considered irrational. This is because these seemingly 'irrational' needs have particular subjective meaning to the other person and is key to resolving the difficulties. For example, when couples disagree about a particular financial decision, a parenting technique, or even a minhag, there is great value in exploring the meaning behind the need and not just the logic. The question to ask one's spouse, despite the possible logical and/or financial objections, is what makes this so important to you? Of course, the tone of the question should be empathic and curious, not sneering or derisive.
On the other side, the spouse who is feeling that his or her emotional needs are not being addressed can also work on bridging the gap. Knowing that the other spouse has difficulties with emotional intimacy can also be a comfort, as some of the distancing behavior should not be taken personally. When feeling lonely and neglected, finding ways to calm and reassure oneself are important. While it is great if one gets that from a spouse, it is not the only way.
Past trauma frequently plays a part in the emotional and behavioral patterns of both spouses. Often extreme and opposite emotional patterns have their root in the same developmental experiences. For example, a person who grew up with crushing poverty may end up becoming miserly as an effort to control and fight the feelings of powerlessness over money, while another person growing up in the same environment may end up becoming a compulsive spender out of the very same need. Likewise, individuals who experienced chaotic and disrupted emotional attachments in early childhood may be emotionally needy and clingy, or the opposite, distant and aloof. Both adaptations are an effort to compensate for feelings of fear and powerless invoked by the original trauma. Treatment focused on reducing reactivity and reprocessing these traumatic feeling states can help.
Misplaced Piety
When a spouse has a degree of misplaced piety and is overly scrupulous during the niddah state, it can leave the other spouse frustrated and emotionally starved. There are those who are so extreme that they allow for little friendliness or affection. While the halachos on the books can seem quite forbidding, it is important to seek guidance from one’s rabbi, as the "fifth volume of Shulchan Aruch" is very relevant when it comes to sholom bayis.
Sometimes, being overscrupulous in the area of intimacy and halacha can be the result of naiveté and/or anxiety. After all, if a religious young man or woman has spent his or her entire young adult life abstaining from thoughts and feelings that are forbidden, it can be difficult to suddenly make the switch into the intense physical intimacy of married life. As a result, some people will hide behind religious scrupulousity as a way to manage and control overwhelming feelings. Usually, in instances such as this, a good heart to heart talk with a madrich, rebbe or mashgiach can help set the record straight. This is one of the reasons why it is important for a young couple to agree in advance on a rabbi or rebbe that they both respect, so that when they have incompatibilities or disagreements about religion and ritual, they have someone to turn to for guidance and a fair resolution.
Unfortunately, there are some individuals whose overscrupulousity comes from a personality disorder, known as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). This condition is not to be confused with OCD, which involves obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors that the person himself wishes to be rid of. A person with OCPD has a perfectionistic, rigid, risk-averse, controlling personality. People such as this find it difficult to compromise and often see others as less than perfect and inferior when they cannot live up to their standards. In areas of intimacy, this kind of deficit can lead to serious marital dysfunction. Many of the halachos of niddah depend on detailed nuances, that on the one hand require obsessive attention to detail, but on the other hand require the ability to let go and trust the process. Thus, the smallest drop of blood or the minutest gesture of intimacy can have major halachic import, and yet in other ways the halachos can at times seem to be lenient to a degree that is difficult to understand. A person with OCPD can drive his or her partner insane with inappropriate chumros, all the while bringing support from literal and technical readings of quoted authorities. This is again why it is so important that the couple have a rabbinic authority that they both respect to help clarify and place the restrictions and customs within a healthy context and proportion.
Further complicating matters, a person with OCPD tends to manage his or her life in an intellectual non-emotional manner. This can mean during the niddah period he or she will be distant and then, all of the sudden when the couple is no longer under the niddah restriction, feel full of interest and energy. This often results in the other spouse feeling like on object, only loved for his or her body. Of course, that is not entirely the truth, but the sudden switch from distance to affection can be confusing and deeply hurtful. It takes careful work and heartfelt conversations to help a couple such as this bridge their gaps. If the OCPD is so strong that it disables the person from seeing the other spouse's perspective, or the possibility that he or she may be wrong, couples counseling is a worthwhile option to consider.