Shame and Its Damaging Effects

by

Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R and Chaya Feuerman, LCSW-R

Printed Originally for the Jewish Press

Shame is an excruciating and agonizing emotion. When a person feels shame, he feels completely worthless and small, almost as if he has no right to exist. Shame is a powerful process that is hardwired into our system, and makes us humans sociable and responsive to the standards of our community. We have an overwhelming need to feel that we are accepted in large measure by our peers. If we don’t feel that we fit in, in a substantial manner, we will feel shame. Being too fat, too short, not religious enough, too religious, not smart enough, not athletic enough, not pretty enough, not rich enough, etc. are all possible triggers which can become painfully activated when a peer makes some deprecatory remark highlighting this person’s deficit.

Shame Versus Guilt

Many are confused about the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is a feeling of regret and moral failure that calls for some correction or repair. While at times guilt may indeed be pathological and therefore difficult to resolve, it compels the person in some way to change himself and repent or restore a breach. On the other hand, shame does not usually call for action. Instead, the message is, “You are completely unworthy, cannot fit in, and there is nothing you can do about it.” This is why shame is much more destructive than guilt. When a person is feeling guilty, he can conceivably change and fix it, but when he is ashamed he is utterly unfit and does not belong.

Shame and Jewish Tradition

Semantically, Hebrew has words for a feeling of embarrassment which may or may not be the same word as shame. There is the word “bushah” which means embarrassment coming from some defect, mistake or deformity being revealed. The earliest usages in Chumash are in reference to Adam and Chava, “And they both were naked, and felt no embarrassment (busha)” (Bereishis 2:25). Then there is the word “ashem”, which seems to be closer in meaning to the word guilt, such as the Korban Ashem, which is a sacrifice brought for certain sins, as well as the way Yosef’s brothers thought of themselves, when it occurred to them that perhaps all of their suffering at the hand of the ruler of Egypt was payback for how they treated Yosef. “But we are guilty (ashemim) for having seen our brother’s suffering, as he pleaded to us and we did not listen. Therefore, this terrible suffering has come upon us.” (Bereishis 42:21) These words seem to be referring to embarrassment and guilt respectively, and not necessarily shame.   The word that probably most closely translates as shame would be “kelem”, found in Hashem’s response to Moshe’s plea to heal Miriam from tzora’as: “Is it not true that if her father spit in front of her, would she not be shamed (tikalem) for seven days?” (Bamidbar 12:14).

The Gemara (Yevamos 79a) tells us that Jewish people are known for three traits: Mercy, Bashful and Benevolent, however this trait of bashfulness is not extolling the virtue of lack of confidence or pathological shyness. Rather, there is a value placed on a degree of reserve and modesty, and a wish to avoid the spotlight.

The Gemara also equates causing a person public humiliation to the extent that he turns white from embarrassment is equivalent to murdering him (Bava metzia 58b).

Additionally, the Gemara places great value on a person’s shame, to the extent that a financial penalty is levied on one who humiliates another person. At times Chazal even set very high fines such as 100 selah or 400 zuz, see Bava Kama 90b. (To get a sense of what one zuz is worth, consider the “Chad Gadya” song from the Haggadah, which relates the story of a goat purchased for a mere two zuz.) This fine seems to be levied even if no physical damage is perpetrated and it is merely verbal. (Though the simple reading of the Gemara (Bava Metzia 91a) implies that one is exempt from a fine for verbal humiliation, see notes of the G'ra Op. Cit. who holds the opposite.)

While it is difficult to tell if Chazal drew a linguistic or emotional distinction between shame and embarrassment, we do see clearly the great appreciation and understanding the Torah had for a highly subjective, internal emotional state.

Shame and Trauma

When people experience a trauma, they may also end up with a feeling of shame and unworthiness about themselves. While this is an obvious connection when we think of traumas such as sexual abuse which involves stigmatizing the victim, it is even present for some who experience illness or catastrophe. This is because of a belief that some may have that the suffering is evidence that are being punished and are particularly unworthy. We use the word “particularly” because of course in Jewish tradition we do believe that sins may cause suffering, such as how the Gemara (Berachos 5a) instructs one who experiencing suffering to scrutinize his deeds, however if a person feels unusually ashamed and unworthy as a result of traumatic event, it is not helpful psychologically and leads to paralysis instead of growth. Furthermore, while a person himself must scrutinize his actions when tragedy occurs, his friends are forbidden from suggesting that this is some kind of punishment. The Gemara (Bava Metzia 58b) tells us that was the sin of Iyov’s friends, and is a violation of ona’as devarim.

Have you noticed at times, despite the above prohibitions, people do have an urge to blame the victim? Sometimes it’s subtle such as when a person foolishly asks at a shiva house of a cancer victim, “So, nu, why didn’t you go to Sloan Kettering? My brother in law went there and he is cured!.” (Implying that somehow this person died due to his or her family’s poor medical choices.) But why do people do this? This too has to do with shame.

According to researchers Epstein and Janoff-Bulman (1989, “Assumptive Worlds and the Stress of Traumatic Events”), psychological health rests on three implicit beliefs about the world: That the world is basically benevolent, meaningful and that the self is worthy. Traumas challenge one or more of these basic assumptions and therein lies the fundamental problem and destabilization that traumas and traumatic memories produce. Namely, we want to feel the world is ordered, predictable, fair and just and that we can control it for the most part. However, the experience of the trauma punctures this belief bubble, creating a battle over accepting the consequences of this terrible memory and driving it out of awareness. The researcher Pennabaker cleverly posits that this is precisely why people tend to moralize and judge the victim. If they can come up with a reason in their head why this horrible thing happened, then the crisis is solved and the world feels orderly, safe and fair again. The victim too may rather feel guilty and that it is his fault than to feel that he lives in a world that is out of control. And in religious terms it may be even more complex. The person who feels that his suffering is unjust may feel conflicted between either believing Hashem was, Gd forbid, unfair to him, or that he is a bad person and deserves it. Thus the victim is shamed and the world colludes with him so that the traumatic aftereffects are subdued and everyone can believe the world is a safe place (even if it is not so safe in reality).

Social Connections

What is the brain doing when it sits idle? In other words, when your head is in “screen saver” mode, what parts of the brain remain active? It is fair to say, whatever remains running and active while in a supposed idle state must be quite essential, such as how we breathe even while sleeping. Incredibly, the brain is focused on social connections when it is idle!

“For almost all human beings, the brain's favorite activity -- the activity that almost every brain defaults to when not overtly engaged in some other activity -- is to think about others and our relationship to them. Scientists call this state the "default network," and by using scanning technology they can observe discrete areas of the brain associated with the default network, which activates whenever task-oriented activity abates. We are almost all "wired" to think about social relationships when our brain is otherwise idle, and we are social because we are wired that way” (Matthew D. Lieberman, Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect. CROWN 2013, pp. 14, 15, 18-22)

Therefore, where we stand with others is crucial. When a person feels shame and feels his social status has been lowered, he is in agony.

Shame, Trauma and Secrets

When people experience a trauma, they may also end up with a feeling of shame and unworthiness about themselves. This is because of a belief that some may have that the suffering is evidence that are being punished and are particularly unworthy. The researcher Pennabaker cleverly posits that this is precisely why people tend to moralize and judge the victim. If they can come up with a reason in their head why this horrible thing happened, then the crisis is solved and the world feels orderly, safe and fair again. The victim too may rather feel guilty and that it is his fault than to feel that he lives in a world that is out of control. Thus the victim is shamed and the world colludes with him so that the traumatic aftereffects are subdued and everyone can believe the world is a safe place (even if it is not so safe in reality).

Secrets have a special way of fitting into this rubric. The more a person keeps the matter a secret in order to hide the part of him that he feels is socially unacceptable, the more it reinforces his belief that it is indeed true. Pennebaker conducted a fascinating study that proves this point. Embedded within a several page long routine health questionnaire that was sent to thousands of medical patients, two additional questions were asked. The first was, “Did you experience a traumatic event in your life some time before the age of 18?” The second was, “Did you disclose it to anyone?” In analyzing the answers, they found a tremendous positive correlation between those who reported having a trauma and those suffering from diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, addictions and other ailments. But here is the real clincher: these effects were greatly reduced in respondents who answered that they disclosed the trauma to someone. In other words, the SECRET (and quite possibly SHAMEFUL) nature of the trauma is what caused the damage, not the trauma itself! However, when the trauma is disclosed to someone, the shame is reduced because another human being hears it, and presumably does not reject the person to the extent that was feared. Interestingly, if a person recovers from a life threatening event he must “bentch goimel” and recite a thanksgiving blessing in front of 10 people (Shulchan Aruch, O.C. 219:3). This does give a person a chance to share his trauma publicly and find acceptance.

Shame and Children

Since shame is such a powerful agent of social control, it is an easy tool that parents and teachers quickly catch on to and use, as in the oft repeated rebuke, “You should be ashamed of yourself!” Since it is excruciating to feel ashamed, if this does induce shame it will be as powerful a punishment as any that can be dreamed up. The danger is when a child’s behavior is not fully under his control, such as if he or she misbehaves or fails due to learning or emotional challenges.

According to Chris Blodgett, a clinical psychologist who directs the CLEAR Trauma Center at Washington State University, “When a child violates rules or expectations, the standard response is to try to reason with the child or use punishment…What science tells us about how stressed brains react to change, loss or threat is that children will often violate rules because they feel profoundly out of control. It’s a survival reaction and it may actually be intended to control the situation.” (http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/11/13/separating-the-child-from-the-trauma/?smid=pl-share)

But the shame and rejection is felt all the same, however, since the child cannot correct his behavior, he will may become helpless and depressed. He may lose motivation, develop a cynical attitude and eventually give up on anything related to the source of pain. Too many children become “Gemara drop outs” or “davening drop outs” because they are overwhelmed and give up.

The Gemara records one such incident, where a child was incorrectly punished and shamed by his rebbe. Fortunately, his father took swift action, which likely forestalled further trauma. This story occurred to none other than the great amora, Shmuel, who later grew to become Rosh Yeshiva of Nehardea. As a youngster Shmuel had a run in with a teacher that was overly zealous with his rod:

“Shmuel’s father found him crying. He asked him, ‘Why are you crying?’ Shmuel answered, ‘My teacher hit me for not observing the washing ritual’ [as it turns out, Shmuel was correct about the halacha and the particular situation described did not require washing]. Shmuel’s father exclaimed, ‘It is not enough that the teacher does not know the halacha, but he also has to hit?!” (Chulin 107b)

In Dr. Pelcovitz’s seminal work on youth at risk, he points out the damaging effects of shame, and ostracism, and how it contributes to a downward spiral:

“What is striking is that although there are a wide variety of reasons perceived by the adolescents for their rebellion, the common thread that consistently runs through their narratives are feelings of alienation and exclusion. Whether their inability to feel connected stems from a history of academic failure, abuse, intense conflict with parents or spiritual alienation, these youngsters were not able to find a connection with role-models who helped them feel a part of their family, school or peers. They consistently described finding such feelings of belonging only when among similarly alienated friends. (“The At-risk Adolescent in the Orthodox Jewish Community: Implications and Interventions for Educators.”)

Of course children must be disciplined in order to develop properly and it can be perfectly appropriate to let a child know that you are displeased with his behavior or performance. However, the above mentioned sources encourage us to think carefully before administering verbal punishments and other mechanisms of shame. If we deliver it to the wrong child, or at the wrong time in his life, or with the wrong intensity, it can have painful and far-reaching consequences.

Shame and Addiction

People who engage in compulsive and addictive behaviors, whether it consists of alcohol, drugs, sex, food or gambling often get trapped in a cycle of secret shame and addiction. To begin with, many addicts have a history of trauma and/or abuse, leaving them vulnerable to intense crushing shame and negative feelings.

Marilyn J. Sorensen, Ph.D., author of “Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem” and clinical psychologist in Portland, Ore., explains how such disorders originate: “Early in life, individuals develop an internalized view of themselves as adequate or inadequate within the world…Children who are continually criticized, severely punished, neglected, abandoned, or in other ways abused or mistreated get the message that they do not ‘fit’ in the world — that they are inadequate, inferior or unworthy.”

Many addicts use their substance of choice (drugs, alcohol, etc.) (gambling, sex, binge eating) as a temporary reprieve and distraction from this emotional pain. Unfortunately, since these behaviors are not socially acceptable, this leads to even more intense feelings of shame, alienation and social isolation. This is why the cycle of addiction thrives on secrecy and shame.

Families and Shame

Family members of addicts often feel excruciating shame as well for a variety of reasons. First, since addicts tend to engage in embarrassing and illegal behavior to feed their addictions, this can be humiliating for family members, especially in a community that values family yichus and emphasizes conformity to norms. Second, there is a sense of failure, that somehow the addict’s parents or family is to blame. Support groups such as Al-anon and CODA are essential resources to help family members break free from these agonizing bonds of guilt and shame.

The Antidote

The antidote for shame is acceptance and compassion. A person can learn to find a feeling of self-love and compassion inside one’s self, and also find healthier relationships with people who provide that as well. One important aspect of therapy is the unburdening of these shameful secrets and feelings in the presence of a compassionate non-judgmental person, and in family therapy, helping family members provide a similar emotional process. Through this, a person can begin to internalize these qualities and reduce and modify critical internal self-talk.

People in recovery from addiction who join a Twelve-Step group and take upon themselves to seriously work the Steps, will also find new ways to accept themselves, as the Twelve Steps offer avenues to correct distorted beliefs and expectations of self and others.