Thirteen Distorted Beliefs that Sabotage Marital Harmony
Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R and Chaya Feuerman, LCSW-R
One of Cognitive Behavior Therapy’s great contributions to the emotional health of mankind is its ability to identify the power of incorrect or maladaptive beliefs, and how they shape our feelings. If a person can allow himself to question his thoughts and beliefs, and become less defensive and more objective about them, he can change the way he is affected by what happens to him. In this series, we will look at thirteen common incorrect beliefs that sabotage relationships and their antidotes.
Distorted Belief #1: I treat my spouse like he or she treats me. She gets what she deserves.
What is maladaptive about this belief: We should do the right and helpful thing because we are moral. Morality means that one behaves in a manner that is based on a value such as kindness, forgiveness etc. When you have a value, it should be true, for the most part no matter what the other person does, because it comes from inside us. For example, if our neighbors steal or lie, it does not make it permissible for us to steal. (Perhaps, one can argue that it is permitted to steal back in self-defense, and the same may be true when fighting, See Bavli Bava Kama 27b where someone uses the handle of a spade to beat his partner into desisting from using more than his share of the water from their cistern. Also see Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat 4.) Nevertheless, what is permitted is not always helpful or adaptive. If our behavior is reactive instead of values-based we will end up getting lost in cycles of tit for tat. It also is a violation of halachic definition of nekama, which is defined as withholding a chesed from another based on how you were previously treated. (“Do not take revenge nor bear a grudge.” Vayikra 19:18. The Gemara (Yoma 23a) ponders what exactly constitutes taking revenge: Taking revenge is when one asks his neighbor to lend him his saw and he says 'No.' The next day, his neighbor asks to borrow his axe and he says, 'I will not lend it to you just as you did not lend to me.)
Correct Belief : I try to meet my spouse’s emotional and physical needs for love as much as realistically possible because it is the right thing to do. I do so regardless of how I am being treated as long as I am married. If, I feel that my spouse does not treat me in the way that I wish I can bring these concerns up. If my concerns are of a serious nature and consistently not addressed, I can consider leaving the relationship if there is no hope for change, or accepting the situation, but I will not hold back on being kind to my spouse as long as I am married.
Distorted Belief #2: If I am angry or hurt I cannot enjoy spending time with my spouse .
What is maladaptive about this belief: Relationships involve too many opportunities to be hurt. If we can't allow ourselves to enjoy good moments because of prior bad ones then we will have even less pleasure. There is no logical reason to hold back from having a good time with a spouse, if the moment is pleasant, even if past moments were hurtful.
Correct Belief : I can enjoy the good qualities and the good moments even with people who have caused me pain and will cause me pain.
Distorted Belief #3 : Why should I forgive my spouse if I "know" he or she will hurt me again? The apology cannot be sincere.
What is maladaptive about this belief: To err is human . Hashem forgives us every Yom Kippur even though he ×´knows" we will sin. In addition, while a person may be lacking some sincerity, it does not mean that it is totally insincere. In addition, human nature being what it is, a person will feel more encouraged and confident when the half apology is accepted, so that he will in the end do more to improve. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that it’s not the refusal to apologize, but rather it is the refusal to ACCEPT the apology that gets in the way of marital harmony. Typically, most people during a fight make some effort to appease or compromise. However, it is the other party who is too angry or hurt to accept the apology. This stops the process of repair and continues the fight.
Correct Belief : Relationships consist of moments . At a particular moment my spouse could be sincere and I can enjoy that moment and connection even though it may not last or be consistent. When we allow positive experiences to happen, it is not the same as brushing problems under the rug. We can enjoy positive experiences at face value, to allow for more connection and building of forward momentum, while also honor our pain and resolve to bring up various hurts and disappointments at a later time.
Distorted Belief # 4: When my spouse insults me during a heated argument, he or she shows their true colors and this must be how my spouse really feels about it me.
What is maladaptive about this belief: When people are angry, indeed they are less inhibited and can say hurtful things. There must be a degree of truth to what is being said, otherwise it would not be said. However, when people are angry they also want to hurt the other person, which means that not all of it has to be true. In addition, positive and loving statements said at other times may be no less true. There is a basic biological process that is hardwired in our brains to attach more weight, validity and significance to negative statements than to positive statements. This is because the organism stands more to lose by ignoring a potential threat than by ignoring a potential benefit. Think about it, if one suspects they are about to be attacked by a murderer, even if it is just a suspicion, there is potentially a high penalty to be paid by ignoring the threat. If, on the other hand, you suspect that someone is about to give you a million dollars, if you ignore it, there is no damage other than a lost opportunity. Therefore, our minds are automatically hardwired to give more credence to negativity and this is why bad news travels so much faster than good news. This is also why we tend to believe insults more than we believe compliments. The bottom line is that this is the mental equivalent of an optical illusion. It feels true, but it simply is not so.
Correct Belief: In reality, my spouse, like myself, finds parts of me attractive and parts of me repulsive. We are no different, more or less, than any other couple. While what was said in the heat of the moment was hurtful and indeed may have some truth to it, it is not the only truth.
Distorted Belief #5: Romance and love come automatically and should not require any effort. If we have to work at it, it must be less genuine.
What is maladaptive about this belief: In point of fact, the greatest artists, athletes, talmidei chachamim and even tzaddikim work hours a day at developing their "natural talent ". Almost anything worth attaining, requires consistent and sustained effort – and romance and love are no different. Love, like many miracles such as the conception of a baby or the emergence of a towering tree from a minute seed require mundane and simple caretaking efforts to bring them into existence such as planting and watering. Then, we wait for G-d to bless our actions and grant us the miracle of life. So too, with love, we must prepare fertile territory, put in plenty of effort, and then pray for G-d's blessing. A healthy marriage takes constant effort on the part of both spouses. Communicating about needs, sharing disappointments, complementing and accepting good faith efforts. Couples who are “koveyya ittim” to spend time together going out on dates once a week are rewarded with feelings of connection, reduced stress and more romance. There is always something that seems to be a bigger priority. Don’t be lazy and don’t expect romance and passion to happen by magic. Plan surprises, take care of your looks (men too!), and treat your spouse well so you don’t have to fight an uphill battle of resentment when you do finally have time together.
Correct Belief : I will learn the ways to please my spouse and work at it as much as realistically possible. I must inform my spouse what my needs are without drama, accusations, or embarrassment. I will look for and choose opportunities to enjoy life with my spouse so that when I think about my spouse, I will have positive associations in my mind and heart.
Distorted Belief #6: if my spouse doesn't listen to me, care about what I want or respect my wishes, becoming verbally abusive, sarcastic, and vindictive will “teach him a lesson” and make him take me seriously and get him to change.
What is maladaptive about this belief: Most people become oppositional, sullen and/or passive aggressive when they feel attacked, blamed, forced or coerced. It is a rare tzaddik who in the face of a barrage of hostility and negativity, says something like "Oh, my bad, you are right, I'm sorry." (If you are married to such a tzaddik or tzaddekes, then you probably don’t need to be reading any of this. But for the rest of us, it pays to read on.)
Correct Belief : Though I can feel frustrated and angry, and at times be totally "justified", I must choose to speak in a manner that is collaborative and strategic instead of losing my cool. It won't help me improve my marriage if I use my spouse as a punching bag (figuratively!) to vent my anger. If I am calm and mindful of the goals, while it will feel like it is going to take even longer to get what I want, the chances for a solution are actually far greater with this approach.
Distorted Belief #7: I shouldn't care about the needs and wishes of my spouse if they are selfish, irrational and don’t make sense.
What is maladaptive about this belief: All humans wish for and desire irrational things, perhaps some more and others less. The best chance for developing a loving and caring relationship is for each spouse to commit to making every reasonable effort to gratify the others needs and wishes, regardless of their rationality. While there are times when we cannot grant our spouse’s wishes because the personal cost is somehow too great, this should be a rare response.
Correct Belief : Love is a decision of loyalty, not just an emotion. I can decide and commit to making every reasonable effort to gratify my spouse’s needs, requests and wishes, regardless of their rationality not because it is deserved but just because he or she is my spouse.
Distorted Belief #8: My spouse must love my parents and my parents must love my spouse.
What is maladaptive about this belief: Love between in-law relationships cannot be mandated and is unrealistic to expect everything to go smoothly. To demand this of in-laws who often have strained relationships just adds confusion and chaos. However, the
Correct belief is that you can expect respectful and courteous behavior from both parties. Respect is different than love. It is up to the blood related child to set the boundaries straight and point out any mistakes in this regard. The loyalty must always be to one’s spouse over family as long as one’s decision is to stay married.
Distorted Belief #9: When I am unhappy, not feeling well or have emotional needs my spouse MUST take care of me.
What is maladaptive about this belief: As adults we are responsible for our own care and happiness. We can hope and we can request assistance, and actually should ask for help, as vulnerability helps bring about closeness and healthy interdependence. However, demanding help or expecting help is as set-up for disappointments, power struggles and hostile, unhealthy dependency.
Correct Belief: I can ask my spouse for help and share my vulnerabilities without feeling shame or fear. At the same time I can accept if my spouse is not able to help me, regardless if there is a "good" excuse or a "bad" excuse, and I can take steps to improve chances for attainment of my own happiness.
Distorted belief #10 : If I am smarter than my spouse in some ways or all ways, he or she does not deserve my respect and I cannot love this person.
What is maladaptive about this belief: Given the variety of human talents and weaknesses, all people will be less intelligent or inferior in some ways than some others. The world would be an ugly place if people who are superior than us had no interest in respecting our needs and concerns and didn’t take our ideas seriously. (Sometimes, a person may find himself in such a social or personal environment where people behave in this fashion and indeed it can be ugly.)
Correct Belief: Compared to Hashem we are all insignificant yet He loves and cares for our concerns equally. There is no reason not to respect and care about the ideas, thoughts and emotions of our spouse even if we feel ourselves to be smarter. In truth, we can almost always learn something from another person if we listen with an open mind.
Distorted Belief #11: If my spouse does not love me or care about me, I am not worthy.
What is maladaptive about this belief: No person has the right to assign or assess your worthiness -- he did not create you. There is a powerful story in the Gemara (Taanis 20a-b) about a sage who was feeling very arrogant about his recent intellectual accomplishments in Torah study. Apparently it got to his head so much that he ignored and insulted a man who he found exceedingly ugly, and commented on it out loud. The man told the sage, “If you have complaints about my looks, then you should take them up with the One who created me!
Correct Belief : All humans are worthy of love no matter what . There is nothing anyone can say that takes that right away from you. True, we care about and even crave the approval and admiration of others, but if we don’t get it, it does not mean we are unworthy.
Distorted Belief #12 : My spouse cannot change. I cannot change.
What is maladaptive about this belief: While change is difficult, particularly deep personality issues, people still achieve change all the time if they endeavor to. Otherwise, why bother being alive? We are here on earth to grow, and a marriage relationship is a wonderful way to learn about our weaknesses and develop new strengths and abilities.
Correct Belief: While change is difficult, especially personality, with the right amount of respect, encouragement, motivation and education all kinds of change are possible. At first it may just be surface and behavioral, but in time, we develop new patterns of thinking that come along with the changes as we experience the rewards and benefits of more adaptive functioning.
Distorted Belief #13: If I have to tell or remind my spouse specifically about how I want to be loved or cared for it means he doesn't really, sincerely love or care about me. If I have to teach my spouse how to treat me, it means he or she does not care.
What is maladaptive about this belief: This is a natural primitive belief that we develop as infants. After all, Mom knew when we were hungry or when we needed to have our diaper changed. So a part of us always remains irrationally yearning for this special love. While it would be great if our spouses could read our minds or remembered us more often, it is just not realistic to expect it. Furthermore to sit and wait for it to come, or even worse to sulk when we don’t get the love we want in the way we want, leaves us just feeling more deprived and resentful.
Correct Belief: I am confident and secure enough to ask for what I need and even remind my spouse about what will make me feel loved. I have the courage to explain and remind my spouse about what I want and how I want to be treated. I am in charge of what I believe and how I will feel about what happens to me, and therefore the person most responsible for my happiness is me.