Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D.

            Professor of history Stephanie Coontz has observed that “Over the past century, marriage has steadily become more fair, more fulfilling and more effective in fostering the well-being of both adults and children than ever before in history.” To a very large degree Professor Coontz and others attribute this marital growth and enhancement to an increase in individual rights. Wives are no longer seen as property of the family patriarch and have more or less equal privileges both in society and in the family. While this observation is accurate I believe that there is another component to marital enhancement in addition to individual rights and that is related to the ability that spouses have developed over the last two centuries to communicate more openly. A good amount of research indicates that with the advent of industrialization and the subsequent increase in life expectancy and enhanced quality of life, family members found more time to spend with one another. More time together equals more time to communicate. However, people are not always aware of what they want to communicate or how best to do so. Subconscious or even deep unconscious reactions are often a large part of what drives the interaction between people without them even being aware. This is why it takes effort and clear measured steps to create an environment that uses this increased quantity of communication to reach a deeper level of emotional connectedness.

Dr. John Gottman has found that there are four steps to developing a healthy degree of marital communication. The first two steps are being able to focus on yourself so you can accurately identify and describe your feelings and then asking your partner questions allowing them to express their deeper feelings. Unfortunately expressing deeper emotions does not always mean that that they are being said accurately or that they are being understood correctly. Dr. Gottman therefore, has found that the third step in developing affection and emotional attunement requires the marital partners to probe for a more complete understanding of what they are saying to each other. As in all negotiations, without a clear understanding of the problems or issues there is no meaningful dialogue. Successful marital communication requires both a deep appreciation and complete understanding between the spouses.

There are several typical shortcomings that yield conflicted communications and block the development of complete understanding. Some of these limitations are very evident. As discussed, a lack of trust between partners can and often yields heightened tension. This is often a result of a lack of self-control that the spouses show each other. The result is that the partners are not sure what reaction they will receive, they do not trust how their partner will respond, and the ability to communicate more deeply is short-circuited. Low trust creates conflict while a higher degree of trust between spouses creates even more trust.

Without complete honesty relationships remain unbalanced and dishonest. An imbalance in power between spouses also undermines honest communication. This most frequently happens in relationships where one or both partners place their individual needs ahead of those of the other. One study indicates that couples that were found to have conflict in just one area of their marriage had lower overall satisfaction in their relationship and seemed to be perpetuating this disapproval by using largely negative communication techniques in most of their other conversations. Positive communication by asking questions, striving to hear the true meaning of what is being said and speaking honestly about your own feelings enhances marital satisfaction.

Negative communication styles can be overcome by maximizing cooperation between spouses. If both partners follow some basic guidelines they can reduce tension, increase trust and get to the third stage of Gottman’s formulation for developing a more complete understanding of what the other person is saying. We have discussed that it is helpful to regulate inner emotions, not project old conflicts into the present and not be on the defensive. Also among the steps to enhancing the marital bond is to always start with the goal of cooperation and work to be mutually cooperative. If one of the two partners becomes uncooperative the other should also stop cooperating until cooperation can be reset. If there is a sense of betrayal in the relationship both spouses must work to attempt to understand the cause for the betrayal. Most importantly the spouses must learn to generously accept apologies and move on after an apology is offered. Once these behaviors are instituted by both partners deeper understanding in marital communication flows more easily.

In Pirkei Avot (2: 5) Hillel is quoted as saying “Do not make a statement that cannot be easily understood on the ground that it will be understood eventually.” To be honest in communication ones words must be understandable. Enjoying the benefit of an honest marriage and gaining from the warmth and nurturing of a healthy marriage can only be achieved by not simply accepting superficial communication but by striving for a complete understanding between the spouses.

Dr. Michael Salamon, a fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of ADC Psychological Services in Hewlett, New York and a board member of P'TACH. He is the author of numerous articles and several psychological tests and books including "The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures" (Urim Publications) and "Every Pot Has a Cover" (University Press of America). His newest book is called Abuse in the Jewish Community: Religious and Communal Factors that Undermine the Apprehension of Offenders and the Treatment of Victims