Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D. It seems that over and over again we learn that to a great degree there is “nothing new under the sun.” In Pirkei Avot, referring to Hillel it says (I; 14) “He used to say: If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am for myself, what am I? This statement is in large measure what research has shown to be the first step toward helping marital partners grow closer to one another. Dr John Gottman one of the foremost research experts of successful marriages has found that the first stage in what he refers to as “intimate conversations” is developing the ability to focus on yourself. Intimate conversations are the kinds of communications that help people feel closer and more strongly bonded to each other. Without intimate conversations marital partners become distant and their relationship feels stale. Healthy conversation techniques are especially important for marriages but are also the cornerstone for all relationships. If you cannot communicate properly than the foundation for a relationship is at best shaky. And proper communication requires a deeper understanding of who you are and how you operate. It is not just the ability to say how you feel that is required but understanding why you feel that way. A great deal has been written about societies increasing self involvement. Often called the culture of narcissism, young people are accused of displaying less empathy and less face to face social contact leading to the idea that one’s own desires are more important and take precedence over everything else. Psychologists and sociologists have found that over the last several decades in almost all societies a pervasive cultural shift has occurred in which individuals believe that their primary obligation is to themselves. According to these researchers people who are narcissistic have very little sense of obligation to their marriage partner and even less to their own children. To the degree that this finding may be true it is clearly an egocentric, even selfish approach to life. Putting yourself first by cordoning yourself off from others is a totally self-centered and unhealthy approach to living. However, taking the first step toward intimate conversations requires you to focus on yourself, your own feelings and developing a true view of yourself. Narcissism is just the opposite of what is meant by taking this first step into developing the skills for having intimate conversations. Focusing on you for your own growth is a necessary step and is not equivalent to being a narcissist. To properly focus on yourself requires some understanding of the basic power of communication and what you are searching for when you look inward. Negative communications which includes harsh, loud or angry interactions, no speaking at all or even communication that is completely one sided has a broad impact on the relationship between two people and those around them. Negative, non-intimate conversations between a married couple have been repeatedly shown to cause both behavioral and emotional problems in their children. Psychologist, Roy Baumeister, has found that negative interactions between people carry more power than positive interactions not just at home but even in work settings. And Dr. Gottman has found that one negative comment can cause a person to feel up to five times worse than one positive comment can help them to feel good. Unfortunately many people do not even realize that they are being negative. Often I have heard from married women that their husbands are “having an affair with their work.” What that means is that all the men they are referring to speak about is their job concerns. While this topic is an important part of understanding and support in marriage, a relationship is much broader. Similarly I will hear from men comments such as “All my wife cares about is spending time with the children.” Here too this issue is a very necessary part of marriage but not to the degree where every other part of the relationship gets sidelined. To have a relationship that employs the art of intimate conversation individuals have to focus on themselves to understand their feelings and emotions and be able to present these to their partner openly and honestly. To do so you have to learn to regulate your inner emotions and not project old wounds into the present relationship. You also cannot take what is said as a personal attack and always be on the defensive. If you focus on yourself and understand your inner feelings you can more accurately, honestly and completely represent yourself to others. When Hillel said “If I am not for myself” He was not supporting a narcissistic, individualistic approach to life and relationships. Quite the opposite; He was not talking about your selfish wants in this world what he was talking about is what modern research is supporting. By understanding who you are and what your true needs are you can learn to project yourself more openly and appropriately and thereby develop a true compassion which is the first step toward developing a life with intimate conversations. Dr. Michael Salamon, a fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of ADC Psychological Services in Hewlett, New York and a board member of P'TACH. He is the author of numerous articles and several psychological tests and books including "The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures" (Urim Publications) and "Every Pot Has a Cover" (University Press of America). His newest book is called Abuse in the Jewish Community: Religious and Communal Factors that Undermine the Apprehension of Offenders and the Treatment of Victims.