The magazine, Continental Monthly asked its readers “Do any of you who may be our readers know half a dozen happy families in your circle of friends?” Similarly, the Boston Quarterly wrote “The family in its old sense is disappearing from our land and… the very existence of our society is endangered.” These pieces sound like very contemporary concerns but these articles were written in 1864 and 1859 respectively when the divorce rate was estimated to have been less than five percent. Today with the divorce rate estimated at over 30 percent, even in our communities, the concerns voiced over 150 years ago seem outrageously petty. The argument that divorce has become more socially acceptable then it was in the past and that explains the current high rate is at best an incomplete explanation of the upward trending of separations and divorce. Life expectancy has doubled since the mid 1800’s, and quality of life has improved significantly. These health and technological developments have contributed to a burgeoning sense of personal need and to what has been referred to as the culture of selfishness, but here too individual needs and desires is an incomplete answer to the higher divorce rate.  What can be gleaned from the articles from the 1850’s all the way to tracking divorces today point to the fact that there has always been an issue of conflict in marriages regardless of social or environmental causes, and marital discord must be understood and properly handled.

            Marriage researchers, among them Dr. John Gottman, have concluded that in order for a couple be attuned to each other emotionally and thereby overcome their conflicts they must first learn the art of “intimate conversation”. As I have discussed in a previous article this is a four step process that begins with each person focusing on themselves so that they can accurately identify how they are feeling and what their true needs are to their partner. Step two, the focus of this piece, is learning to allow the other person to express themselves with accurate emotional depth.

            Jean Piaget, the trailblazing child psychologist, found that children between the ages of two and six who are only beginning to be able to converse completely with others have a pseudo-conversation or “collective monologue” which is a style of communicating only about themselves.  But, when preschool age children are speaking only about themselves they still wish to be in the presence of others. Children at this age actually believe that they are speaking to and with others but are not. If you pay close attention to what preschool aged children say to one another you will find that they talk about activities but rarely ask questions about their playmates or how they feel and they almost never follow a line of communication. Unfortunately, this monologue style of communication is the one most likely to exist in marriages that are in discord. The partners speak but it is mostly about them. Yes they want to be with their partner but they do not properly engage with them worse still is the fact that when there is poor communication trust in the relationship slowly ebbs.

Trust is one of the most important anchors of a good relationship. Many mistakenly believe that conflict in relationships creates a lack of trust but it is the other way around. Low trust causes marital conflict. Building trust requires having healthy communication. While communication is not the only variable that causes conflict it is next to impossible to have a healthy relationship without healthy interactions.

Dr. Gottman defines his concept of emotional attunement as the ability to understand emotional needs, handle the negatives and work toward building stronger more trusting bonds. Once you have developed the skill of understanding yourself better the next step toward emotional attunement is to engage your partner in conversations that draw them in. A major goal in most programs to prevent marital distress is to reduce negative communication. Perhaps the most successful way to do this is allowing your partner to express themselves completely. That requires you to ask open ended questions in all your conversations and give them the time to finish their thoughts. Some call this active listening which is the ability to encourage the other person to complete their conversation and show them that you understand them completely. Whatever it is called intimate conversations are the opposite of preschool collective monologues.

There is another component too. It is virtually impossible for two people to live together and never argue. Unfortunately many couples do not know how to fight clean. Arguments usually occur when a couple does not hear the other or get the full picture of the message that is being conveyed. When this form of miscommunication takes place the trust between the two partners becomes shaky and the relationship is threatened.  This is much less likely to happen when the proper tools for communication are used. Thus far we have seen that they include focusing on yourself to correctly identify true emotions to your partner and when speaking with your partner asking open ended conversations allowing them to express the depth of their feelings. By following these two steps you begin the process of strengthening the sense of trust in the relationship and the foundation for a deeper intimacy.

Dr. Michael Salamon, a fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of ADC Psychological Services in Hewlett, New York and a board member of P'TACH. He is the author of numerous articles and several psychological tests and books including "The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures" (Urim Publications) and "Every Pot Has a Cover" (University Press of America). His newest book is called Abuse in the Jewish Community: Religious and Communal Factors that Undermine the Apprehension of Offenders and the Treatment of Victims.