Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D.

             Understanding yourself and your needs so that you can accurately convey them to your spouse, asking your partner open-ended questions to allow your spouse the opportunity to express themselves and probing for a more complete understanding in emotional discussions are the first three steps of Dr. John Gottman’s findings of what makes for a more meaningful marriage. To achieve what Dr. Gottman refers to as emotional attunement though requires a fourth step. This step is achieved when both partners develop the ability to express sincere compassion of the other’s emotions and ideas. There are several components to this fourth stage but when successfully achieved spouses can truly show affection toward each other by communicating that their relationship is resilient and their bonds of trust keep them moving through the difficult aspects of life and marriage to an even stronger relationship.

            Couples who have a high degree of trust in their relationships have been shown to have lower heart rates and less elevated blood pressure. Other long term studies have shown that relationships that are low in levels of trust and have high degrees of betrayal have resulted in death rates especially for husbands that are demonstrably earlier than those men with higher levels of trust in their spouses. There are also a host of studies indicating a more rapid rate of recovery from most illnesses, cardiovascular disease, even cancer for spouses in a loving and trust filled relationship. The benefits of marital trust are undeniable.

We have also learned that conflicts do not create low trust; rather having limited trust in your partner is what creates conflict in the relationship. Anger is not necessarily a problem rather a symptom or a sign of an underlying problem that needs to be dealt with. Problems can be successfully addressed through the use of conversational intimacy which is achieved by being truly compassionate to the other person’s emotions and needs. This is how trust is built and maintained in marriage.

             The first few minutes of any contact can set the tone for days to come. If couples pay particular attention to those first few minutes - coming home from work, getting up in the morning, sitting down to a meal and speaking, and the brief phone conversations during the day – they can affect warmth and intimacy that can build trust that lasts for decades. This is accomplished by a variety of methods that are relatively easy to initiate and maintain. Two important components are that male dominance is damaging to trust so efforts must be made to strive for a balance for both partners. The second is that negative comments are far more harmful than positive is helpful to the degree of five to one. That is, to overcome one negative comment requires at least five positive ones. So it is infinitely better to present misunderstandings in as positive a fashion as possible.

            Three additional behaviors all of which show true compassion will assist in strengthening emotional attunement between spouses. Unfortunately couples frequently tend to confuse telling one another what to do with being truly supportive. That, however, is acting in a controlling manner. It is important to be nurturing not controlling. If partners make a habit of thinking about how to respond and do not react reflexively or impulsively they are more likely to express their true inner feelings, draw out their partners feelings and share compassion for each other. Perhaps most significant is when spouses understand that maintaining a positive relationship is the responsibility of both parties. When both partners assume the responsibility for positivity and contribute to it than the marriage will grow emotionally.

            Friendship, handling conflict and sharing dreams creates what Gottman calls “The Sound Relationship House.” To develop this sound relationship spouses must deeply understand one another with a true sense of compassion. Friendship, the first level, requires getting to know one another showing fondness by building affection, respect and trust and creating a basic environment for open and trustful communication. Handling conflict comes next. This is best done by accepting apologies, being forgiving, generous and showing contrition to one another. The third level of the sound relationship house is sharing dreams. This is the most nurturing level and can only be achieved by attaining Gottman’s fourth step of communication – showing true compassion to one another’s feelings and needs.

            The Rambam in Hilchus Ishus (15: 19-20) writes “Our Sages commanded that a man honor his wife more than himself and love her more than seems necessary…follow the longing of his heart and removing all he hates” which leads to a “life that is pleasant and praiseworthy.” Love and trust are integrally bound and best achieved with the true communication of compassion. Gottman’s four steps for communication in marriage help lead a couple to strengthen their bonds and develop a life that is not only pleasant and praiseworthy but nurturing and rewarding.

            Dr. Michael Salamon, a fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of ADC Psychological Services in Hewlett, New York and a board member of P'TACH. He is the author of numerous articles and several psychological tests and books including "The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures" (Urim Publications) and "Every Pot Has a Cover" (University Press of America). His newest book is called Abuse in the Jewish Community: Religious and Communal Factors that Undermine the Apprehension of Offenders and the Treatment of Victims.