Dr. Michael J Salamon

Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D.

Our practice accepts interns; post graduate students interested in a clinical internship must send us a copy of their C.V. and a cover letter. Surprisingly, many letters from these "well educated" individuals arrive with grammar and spelling errors. Other business leaders, education and agency administrators I speak with have voiced similar experiences. This is not surprising because on Monday, February seventh the New York State Education Department reported that less than half of students in the state are leaving high school prepared for college or challenging jobs. These new statistics, based on an attempt to realign state standards to meet expectations for successful college performance show that only about 23 percent of students in New York City, half the rate anticipated, graduated ready for college or careers in 2009. Even the best districts have rates lower than anticipated by as much as 20 percent. And, these findings seem to be reported throughout the US.

We often harbor the belief that building a child's self-esteem prepares them to handle life's challenges. This misleading notion is perpetuated even for college students. We have trained ourselves and our children to believe that if they feel good about themselves they will always do well. However, high self-esteem does not always translate into success, only hard work which is then coupled with the right amount of confidence does. What we are seeing in the results of these studies of academic success and work preparedness is the product of years of over protective parenting and the belief that "my child is always perfect". The 1960's phrase "hovering parent" used to describe over protective and indulgent parents became the 1990's "Helicopter Parents." This pejorative term is now common even in colleges and seminaries. While some helicoptering is anticipated in grade school it often does not end there. Parents who call their children in college or even in Israel to make sure that they get up for class, parents who are in contact with their children's Rabbis, teachers and professors in the false belief that they can ensure their child's success or who foolishly demand that advanced academic programs be altered to ease the process for their child that does not need accommodation are among today's helicopter parents. What these parents are accomplishing though is creating adults with a false sense of achievement but none of the tools to realize success. These students actually learn how to "skate by" rather than do the task successfully. Listen to college students talk about how they have not done the readings or homework and still manage to get what they call "a decent grade." And Yeshiva students do the same. They will often tell you that they have "no worries" because "there are really no tests."

We like to think our schools and our children are in better academic shape but reality may not bear that out. According to researchers, high emphasis on self-esteem and over protective parenting creates lifelong destructive behavior and emotional patterns. Children with helicopter parents become dependent, impulsive, anxious and fearful. They have difficulty making decisions and demure to others even for major life issues, even if they know that they are getting bad advice. They do this because they believe that their parents will be there to fix everything. Children who have been helicoptered often do not set goals for careers believing that their parents will set them up in a business; or worse - they will never have to work. The emotional dependencies are evidenced in marriage and other relationships where over protected children grow to believe that they do not have to invest themselves emotionally to make the relationship work. Parents contact a shaddchan and the "adults" decide who to date and marry. Parents then work out a fiscal arrangement to support the children and following that a job may be secured for the young man. Just a few years into this pattern and the couple may start to realize that they may not be right for one another. The divorce rates are climbing. Fiscal realities require well trained workers with intellectual and technological savvy. Allowing young adults to learn to become mature adults who can make good decisions begins in childhood. Building a child's self esteem is important but must take a second seat to actually allowing children to learn responsibility. This cannot be done if parents are hovering or if children believe that they can just skate by.

Dr. Salamon, a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of ADC Psychological Services in Hewlett, NY and a Board member of Ptach. He is the author of numerous articles and several psychological tests. His books include, The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures, published by Urim Publications and Every Pot Has a Cover: A Proven Guide to Finding, Keeping and Enhancing the Ideal Relationship, published by University Press of America. His new book on Abuse in the Jewish Community will be available shortly.