Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D.

In general individuals do not listen well to one another. If you watch people carefully, you will find that there is a lack of focus and attention in almost all conversations between people, even in the seemingly deep or heated conversations that often take place at family or social gatherings. That is because there is no consistent attempt by many people to ask questions or follow a clear line of thought or emotion in their communications with others. It almost seems like people, even caring people, talk too fast or past one another.

Listen to politicians as they exemplify this when they are asked a question - the answer is often meandering and never seems to directly address the original query. It is not just elected officials who communicate this way. All of us are too involved in our own thoughts and expectations for how a conversation should develop, which causes us to fail to engage sufficiently to properly focus on the true meaning of the exchange. This type of verbal ADHD occurs among almost everyone.

I was listening to a conversation between three brothers recently at a gathering at one of their homes. To one another they seemed to be having a coherent discussion, but frankly I had no idea what they were speaking about. As they finished their talk, I asked what it was that they were discussing. One brother said they were talking about his new car while another said that he thought the conversation was about repairing a refrigerator. The third brother stood there with his mouth open. "I thought we were speaking of Dad," he said.

I have often heard people complain that the most stressful time for an Orthodox family is at the Friday night Shabbat table. This is no doubt in part due to the expectations for certain behaviors and actions at the table. Friday night is frequently one of the few times during the course of a week that the entire family spends time together at a meal. Everyone has something to say and wants the attention to be focused entirely on them. The natural rivalries surface and some of the children want more attention than their siblings. Adults expect certain behaviors, and frustration is often rampant. Inevitably there is misunderstanding and this confusion can lead to emotional pain.

What lies at the heart of this is a natural tendency to focus a little too much on oneself causing a disconnect that undermines the true meaning of a relationship with someone else. Again, it's the same issue of not listening completely.

Warmth, attentive nurturing, true dialogue communication and expressions of affection form the essence of what keeps people bonded to one another. Separateness, even unintentional, divides people. We often feel that we do give of ourselves to others, but most research into social interaction shows that not to be the case. What we do give can be charitable, important and even, at times, significant, but until we give true undivided attention and an expression of love that can be felt by the recipient, we are missing the deeper link that we would truly want. Research also shows that without this level of bonding, relationship problems, ranging from subtle to extreme, inevitably develop. These difficulties are most often observed in marriages and in parenting conflicts. It is for this reason that the most common family complaint is, "You just don't understand me!"

Several experts suggest ways to overcome this shortcoming in communicating attention and affection. Most include a touch on the shoulder or staring into the other person's eyes as signs that you are focused on what they are saying. While these techniques are usually helpful, they are more ancillary. The real fix happens when the actual method of communication is enhanced.

Dr. John Gottman, an expert in the area of research into successful marriages, has found that there are four steps to creating what he calls "intimate conversations." These types of conversations help make marriage partners feel closer to one another. Interestingly, the same four steps for increasing affection in marriages apply to all relationships, including parents and children, between siblings, even among friends. The steps are:

1) Focusing on what you are feeling so that you can identify what your true emotion is to the other person.

2) Ask open ended questions in all of your conversations to allow the other person to express themselves in more depth

3) Try to probe for a more complete understanding of what the other person is saying to you.

4) Express true compassion of the person's feelings and ideas.

There is a famous quotation that says "out of order comes chaos." This is hardly the case in relationships. To have a loving warm and bonded relationship, you need to develop an ordered way of showing affection - by attending completely to what is said and encouraging intimate conversation. With some thought and effort, deeper bonds can form in all of your important relationships.