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Moshe and Sarah have been married for 5 years. Moshe describes Sarah as controlling
and critical. Sarah describes Moshe as withdrawn and aloof. The conflict between
Moshe and Sarah has increased with time, causing each to feel disillusioned with the
other.
Just as in mainstream society, our community too has its share of couples living in
a state of mutual disconnection and contention. The reason? "He needs to change!"
she wags her finger. "She needs to wake up and smell the coffee!" he rebuffs. Each
holds onto his or her position tenuously. Until then, husband and wife pass by like
ships in the night, living two very lonely lives.
Understanding the Relationship Dynamic
Humans are social, emotional beings, who crave connection with others. Our
family and social network are the highlight of our existence which might explain
why we spend so much time talking about them, getting together with them and
evenblaming and criticizing them! We are the sum total of not just ourselves,
but the people with whom we form attachments. These attachments namely
relationshipsâdevelop through a back and forth, or give and take between two
parties. The "give" canât happen without the "take" and the "take" can’t happen
without the "give." The classic example A person cannot give a present to someone
if there is no one to receive it, just as a person cannot receive a present if there is no
one to give it.
This might explain why locating a problem in "the other party" will not solve the
issue. Aside from putting the "guilty" party on the defensive, this approach considers
only one part of the equation. It locates the problem within the individual, without
considering the impact of one person" behavior on the other.
Going Deeper -- Understanding the Cycle
But if we just say, "My son, Yaakov, wasnât listening to me so I yelled at him," and
end there, thinking next time he will listen because I yelled, we are mistaken. The
behaviors that take place between two people in a relationship are not linear, but
cyclical. Meaning, one action doesnât just cause another and then it ends there. It
goes on and on,back and forth with increasing intensity.
This might explain why Moshe and Sarah have experienced more conflict with
the passing of time. Chances are that Moshe and Sarah, are caught in a negative
cycle. The more Sarah tries to control Moshe, the more he withdraws: the more
he withdraws the more she tries to control, and so on. There are no real guilty
pariieshere, just one person fueling the other" behavior.
While hearing about negative cycles of interaction might sound depressing, âit is
actually great news! Because like any cycle, (think washing machine, dishwasher)
when one of the steps goes awry (your washing machine skips over the spin
cycle!) the cycle can’t complete itself. And while we are definitely not promoting
tampering with our household appliances, we are most certainly advocating for
disruptions in our negative cycles of interaction.
Disrupting Negative Cycles of Interaction, Planting the Seeds for Positive Ones
Because any disruption in a cycle will stop it in its tracks, here are ways to do it.
Examine your behaviors along with the behaviors of your loved one. What
behavioral patterns are emerging? Does the conflict seem to be increasing
with time?
Identify your role in the cycle. Simply becoming aware of your part in the
equation will allow you to see how you might break the cycle and build a
different kind of connection with your loved one.
When your loved one throws you one of his or her typical behaviors (spouse
is controlling, child tantrums, friend yells), say to yourself, "okay, my son/
child/friend is doing his thing now, how could I respond differently than
I normally would? Considering doing something different on your part is
probably the most important step in turning the cycle around.
Try to be consistent with your new behavior. It might not work on the first
try, but after several attempts of doing things differently, your spouse/child/
friend, wonât be able to keep up the cycle without your fuel â which will mean
he or she will begin to respond differently to you too!
Work to plant seeds of positive, healthy connection. Keep in mind that one
action will fuel another â so make yours a positive one. Stretch yourself
to go the extra mile for the other person â"just because" â and not so that
they will "owe you." Fake it if you need to. The payoff for creating a positive
behavioral cycle becomes exponentially greater as love and respect in the
relationship deepen.
We live in a world full of interactions and relationships with those around us. Taking
responsibility for the roles we play in our relationships will help us to get rid of
destructive patterns and allow us to create the meaningful, loving relationships we
are looking for. Because as we all know, it takes two to tango.
Mindy Hajdu, MS, LMSW, received her MA in Secondary Education from Azrieli
Graduate School, her MSW from Wurzweiler School of Social Work and has completed
a year of training in family therapy at the Ackerman Institute for the Family. She is
a supervisor at OHEL" Preventive Care Program, where she provides training and
supervision in areas of family therapy and crisis management. Mindy is available for
consultation and supervision. She can be reached at [email protected].
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The content of this article generalizes the impact of one person" behavior on another
and is not meant diagnose or treat. In cases of severe addictions, abusive behaviors,
or severe untreated mental illness, one party might have to significantly change his
behavior in order for the two parties to be in a relationship. If this describes your
relationship, please consult with a mental health professional before adopting any of
the above practices.