Shmuel is an 8 year old boy who cannot tolerate changes in his routine and if
things do not go the way he expects them to, he can erupt into a tantrum that
terrifies his mother and his siblings. For example, one night, Shmuel wanted to
read a book that his brother was reading and promptly took it out of his brother's
hands. His mother tried to educate Shmuel that it was inappropriate to do that
but Shmuel just didn't understand. He wanted to read the book so he took it.
When his mother removed the book from Shmuel's hands Shmuel immediately
fell on the floor crying and screaming. Then Shmuel began to destroy the few
books that were near him.
Miriam's mother asks Miriam, age 10, to stop playing a game and set the table
for supper and she tells her mother "not now" and her mother insists that she
do it right now and then Miriam screams that she's in the middle of a game and
her mother tells her if she doesn't set the table that instant she will be punished.
Immediately after that Miriam explodes in a rage. She starts throwing the game
around the room and turns red in the face as she screams.
Do these children sound familiar to you? If so, you have probably explored
every possibility to change the situation. You probably wonder why your other
children behave just fine and what you might have done wrong. You might even
blame your child, thinking that if they would just want to behave, they would.
My hope is that this article will enlighten and help you in your situation.
Children like Shmuel and Miriam are explosive children. It really doesn't matter
if their official diagnosis is Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Attention Deficit
Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), These children have a disability in several
important areas or "skills" and as Dr. Ross W. Greene mentions in his book, The
Explosive Child, "children do well if they can." Many parents think their child is
purposely being disobedient or willful. The parents think that if they only wanted
to behave appropriately they would. This is where our Torah philosophy can
come in handy as it is very crucial to judge these children favorably and view
them as mentioned above: If they CAN do well, they would. And if we honestly
look at them with this viewpoint, it is much easier to offer them much needed
assistance in developing the skills they lack.
Collaborative Problem Solving or CPS is the term used when parents and these
explosive children learn to work through concerns together. This type of
parenting is really the only option for these type of children as it will help them
to develop skills and will hopefully plan ahead so that the explosions can be
avoided. Before I describe what CPS is, I would like to describe two other types
of parenting skills that most parents utilize that are not effective with these
children. One, is the my way or the highway method. This method demands
that the child comply with the parental demands and if the child does not comply
there are serious punishments or consequences. Now this type of parenting
works for many children who are typical and have all the skills they need to
comply with the parental demands. In fact, it might have worked with all your
other children just not with your explosive child. The other type of parenting is
to completely drop all parental expectations or to give in to the child's demands.
For the most part, this is not an effective parenting choice unless it is used in an
emergency situation in order to avoid your explosive child from exploding. The
negative is that you have dropped your own parental concerns and that should
definitely be addressed with your child at a later date.
Now onto CPS. As Dr. Greene mentions in his book, CPS has three important
components that must be used in the order they are listed here: "1) Empathy, 2)
Define the Problem and 3) Invitation." Empathy is the first step. You basically
restate what your child stated as his needs. For example, in the case of Miriam
above the conversation would go something like this:
Mother: Miriam stop playing and go set the table for supper.
Miriam: Not now
Mother: I see you don't want to set the table, what's up?
Miriam: I am right at the most exciting part of my game and I don't want to lose.
Mother: You are playing and the game is exciting and you don't want to lose.
We don't stop at empathy. But it is the first step and you see that Miriam has
yet to explode. With step two, defining the problem, you take your concerns and
state them to your child. It is very important to make sure you have empathized
first or your child will still feel as if you are doing the "my way or the highway"
type of parenting. So the continuation of the dialogue with Miriam would be:
Mother: I understand that you want to win but the problem is that we need to
have the table set for supper so that we can eat on time and it's your turn to do
that.
As you can see the parent has stated the problem clearly only after empathizing
with the child. Now that the parent has stated their problem it is time for
invitation. This is where you invite the child to help solve the problem. One
caveat, do not initiate this step thinking you have the solution to the problem,
be open to your child's initiative and you might be pleasantly surprised at how
creative they can be. The other caveat is that the solution must be satisfactory
to both parent and child. You keep working together to find a solution that will
work for both of you.
Mother: So Miriam, how can we both get what we want right now? You want to
keep playing and I need you to set the table.
Miriam: How about I play for fifteen more minutes and then set the table?
Mother: You would like to play for fifteen more minutes. However, that would
make supper late and not be a solution since our supper has to be on time.
Miriam: How about five more minutes? I am pretty sure I can finish and win by
then.
Mother: Okay, five minutes would work for me as well. Thanks for working this
out with me.
It might appear simplistic but this method really works. Of course, it might take
you much longer to actually come to a mutual satisfactory answer to the problem
but I guarantee it will be much shorter than any explosion would be!
With CPS and lots of practice you can have the peaceful and joyful home you've
always dreamed of. For more information on CPS, I highly recommend reading
Dr. Ross Green's book The Explosive Child.
(Bio)
Joy N. Jacobs-Muller is a mental health counselor practicing at the offices of
Dr. Kimberly Johnson, along with Rabbi Reuven Boshnack. Her website is
www.mhcounselors.com.