Differentiating Between Dysfunction, Disorders and Domestic Abuse
It can be very confusing to people who feel abused in their marriage, to try and determine if
the cause is a dysfunctional relationship that may have some abusive features, a spouse with a
mental illness or domestic abuse. In fact, some of the abusive ways one may be treated by their
spouse, may be similar from situation to situation. What determines which type of situation one
is actually faced with is the underlying dynamic. Why is it important to make the distinction
between whether the emotional abuse (for example) is due to mental illness, dysfunction or is
domestic abuse? Because the most appropriate intervention will vary depending on what the
underlying issue is, in a given situation.
In the case of domestic abuse, the abuser employs a pattern of systematic, coercive tactics, to
instill fear in order to gain and maintain power and control in the marriage. The most common
tactics used by the abuser are: economic abuse, emotional abuse, threats, intimidation, isolation,
and sometimes physical or sexual abuse. The abuser does this, because he believes it is his
absolute entitlement to have power and control, of his wife, in his marriage. For the abuser, it’s
all about this entitlement. It is his conviction that he has the right to everything revolve around
him without having to consider the needs, wants or concerns of his spouse.
Feeling Abused Does Not Always Mean Domestic Abuse
There are times, when a spouse might feel that they have been subjected to one or more abusive
tactics by their spouse, but it is actually not a case of domestic abuse. To effectively understand
what else might be going wrong, when a spouse may feel abused but it is not a case of domestic
abuse, it's best to begin by exploring what a marriage looks like when things are going right.
A healthy relationship is one in which each spouse feels responsible, and sees it as his or her
tafkid, to enjoy, consider and take care of the other – emotionally, spiritually, physically and
psychologically. When this dynamic is present, we can refer to this as a functional marriage,
because both partners are functioning in their intended roles, and the marriage works in the way
it was intended.
In general terms, a dysfunctional marriage can be defined as one in which one or both spouses
is not abiding by the principle that defines a healthy, functional marriage. The times when
that breakdown in functioning can be so bad as to feel abusive, usually fall into one of two
categories: 1) certain mental illnesses 2) where one or both spouses has a profound inability to
function in a healthy way as a spouse: manage conflict, negotiate, communicate effectively or
appropriately, think of marriage in terms of giving instead of getting, which leads to the sporadic
use of an abusive tactic.
Mental illnesses that can feel like domestic abuse:
There are a variety of disorders which can cause someone to react to their inner turmoil in ways
that then feels abusive to his/her spouse.
One example of this would be borderline personality disorder. One of the hallmarks of
someone with borderline personality disorder is the person’s intense fear of abandonment. This
fear often causes the person with BPD to be controlling as well as exacting with their spouse.
Any attempt on the part of their spouse to have independence in belief or action that is contrary
to theirs provokes the fear of abandonment which in turn becomes rage. In that rage someone
with BPD can become very abusive, but again the etiology is very different.
Another example can occur when married to someone with intense anxiety, or obsessive
compulsive disorder. In the case of OCD people use rituals of various types in an attempt to calm
their anxiety. In these cases, if the person with the disorder is prone to ‘include’ their spouse
in their attempt to alleviate anxiety, it can feel very abusive. For example, someone who uses
obsessive orderliness in an attempt to alleviate anxiety, upon coming home to things being ‘out
of place’ might become vicious in their verbal attack that would sound similar to how an abuser
would be described.
There are indeed several examples of situations where someone might feel abused by their
spouse, where the etiology is actually a mental illness.
A profound inability to function in a healthy way as a spouse:
When a spouse who is suppose to be giving and respectful, can only think in terms of what s/he
should be getting out of marriage, in the extreme, this can look very much like domestic abuse.
Coupled with, or even as a separate issue, if this spouse does not know how to manage conflicts
or communicate appropriately, disagreements can, at times, dissolve into name calling or even a
fit of rage. There may be a demand for things to revolve around him/her; or, an expectation that
is more focused on self rather than giving. The ability or interest in compromise, or resolving
conflict, rather than having thing’s one’s way may seem to be non-existent.
What is differentiates a case of domestic abuse from one of dysfunction is twofold. First, while
there may be abusive behavior, there is not a systematic pattern of coercive control. When the
dysfunctional spouse’s behavior is examined carefully, one can see that the abusive treatment is
sporadic and often only comes at times of conflict or potential conflict.
Second, while the spouse who is trying to be that giving, caring spouse, may get overwhelmed
by the demanding self centered behavior of the dysfunctional spouse, s/he actually could step
out of that role and say no to the various and numerous demands. Not that it would be easy. The
healthy spouse in a marriage has always wanted and expected to fulfill that role in an appropriate
way. Also, this intentional role change may be frightening, because the anger, or perhaps the
fragility, that the unhealthy spouse displays seems difficult to challenge.
In fact, a challenge to the dysfunctional spouse’s self-centeredness may at first make the
marriage seem even more dysfunctional, because it increases discord, as both spouses are now
“fighting” for their own needs. However, in a dysfunctional marriage it is possible to stop
assuming the caretaking role and assert one’s own needs. In this situation the absolute belief
in the right to power and control does not exist. Consequently, there is a limit to how far the
dysfunctional spouse will actually go, leaving the other spouse with more options.
Not true of the abuser. His spouse doesn’t have the option of fighting to get her needs or her
opinions considered, because if she did try to stand up for herself, she would have to contend
with much more than just discord or unpleasantness. In an abusive relationship, the abuser will
continue to escalate the consequences, making things increasingly unbearable or frightening for
his spouse, until she feels she has no choice but to comply with his expectations, or leave. If she
is not interested in doing that, she then only feels that she has one option.
The importance of making the distinction between these categories of ‘marital problems’
cannot be overstated. What will be an appropriate intervention for one situation, will be a waste
of time for another. What will helpful in that situation will be unsafe in still another. If you are
struggling with feeling abused, but don’t quite know what to do, getting a proper assessment of
the situation will be the best first step towards help and health.
Bio
Lisa Twerski, LCSW, has been working with victims of domestic violence for over twenty years,
maintains a private practice in Brooklyn and lectures locally and nationally on many subjects
including domestic abuse, marriage, and dating. Parts of this article have been excerpted from
her book, I’m So Confused, Am I Being Abused? due out at the end of 2011.