Mind Body and Soul

The initial image that came to mind was of a heart surgeon losing
his patient on the operating table. That is what I was thinking when
Sara called me saying she had decided to divorce Avi. They had begun
therapy ten weeks prior. It was to be a last attempt at saving the
marriage, but I knew at the time that my work was cut out for me.
At a certain point in a relationship, when there has been a history of
discord, feelings of misunderstandings and lots of hurt, it can happen
that one or both partners shut down emotionally. They stop caring. It
then becomes very hard to engage in the therapy process, open up to
past hurts and be willing to see if a new, more satisfying way of being
in the relationship is possible. With three children in the picture and
a commitment to the value of staying married, this couple was giving
their marriage one last try. Ten weeks later- the decision to divorce.

Sara had suffered enough from Avi’s lack of emotional availability and
found that she could not use the therapy to open herself up to him
and risk more hurt. This was a blow to Avi. He’d had anger issues and
difficulty understanding Sara’s emotions, but he had been working very
hard in treatment to understand what his wife needed. In our 10 weeks
together I had reflected back to each spouse what I saw to be their
negative cycle, a self-perpetuating pattern of actions and reactions that
cause great distress. They had started to hear each other from a more
understanding place, drop their defensive postures and empathize with
each other. But it was too late for this marriage. Hopefully they will
use the insights they obtained into themselves and each other while
in therapy to reduce any conflict that may arise between them as they
embark on the challenging journey of dissolving their marriage. They

may also find that other significant relationships will improve.

Don’t wait till it’s too late. Getting to the “point of no return” takes
time, years really, of hurts and misunderstandings that never get
resolved. When there is a history of feeling devalued, unheard,
disrespected etc. we become so sensitized and self protective that we
react to anything that triggers these feelings instantaneously either
with anger or withdrawal. Reactions occur within split seconds; our
response comes before we even understand fully the intent behind
what our partner is saying. This is the negative cycle that so often
couples struggle with and is very difficult to exit.

Couples know when their relationship starts feeling distant or tension-
filled, but they often delay getting help. Sometimes it’s because of the
money involved; sometimes it’s the time commitment. At times one
spouse just isn’t listening when the other says he or she is unhappy.
There is so much at stake in building a strong marriage relationship —
one based on respect and appreciation — including each spouse’s
mental health and well-being and a sense of security for the children. If
there are two people willing to make changes and work on their
relationship and they are prepared to look at themselves with humility,
then there is still a heartbeat.

As a marriage therapist working to help couples reconnect and increase
understanding, I offer this advice: If you’re feeling unhappy in your
relationship, don’t wait to get professional help from a trained
marriage therapist. Don’t wait for your partner to say he or she is done
with the marriage before saying “OK, let’s go to therapy.” Be prepared
to look at yourself and understand why you get triggered and the
impact your actions and reactions have on your partner. Imagine this

interchange: Yaakov walks into the house talking on his cell phone, and
his wife, Ruchi, starts fuming, telling him to get off the phone. Yaakov
only hears that she’s complaining, and he feels controlled. He hangs up
and makes a snide, angry remark to Ruchi. Ruchi returns with some
sharp comments of her own. Obviously no one is going to feel good
after this interchange. But what each one missed is this: Ruchi had
perfectly timed Yaakov’s dinner to be ready for him when he got home.
She couldn’t wait to share what happened to her during the day. She
was hungry for adult company after being with the children all day. His
walking in while talking on his cell made her feel rejected and
unimportant, but those weren’t the feelings she was in touch with.
What she was aware of and what got communicated were her angry
feelings, leading Yaakov to miss entirely the softer, more vulnerable
feelings of hurt and longing, and then he reacted to feeling controlled.
Yaakov was aware only of thinking his wife is a controlling person. Had
Ruchi been able to say “Can you please give me your attention now? It
feels like I’ve been waiting so long, and I really want to be with you,”
Yaakov might have felt wanted and responded from a warmer, more
loving place. This couple used their therapy to understand and
communicate with each other differently, thereby beginning a positive
cycle of engagement.

Accept that your partner will most definitely see things differently than
you do, and understand that this doesn’t make him or her “unstable”
or “too needy” — adjectives often used by the more emotionally
shut down partner in reference to his/her spouse. Check in with your
partner and inquire how he or she is feeling in the relationship. That
would be like taking a pulse. Listen for the hurt behind the anger,
both as the receiver and as the communicator. Nurture your marriage

relationship at its heart, making sure to hear a steady beat.

Dvorah Levy, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice working with
individuals and couples specializing in relationship issues: marriage,
parenting and dating. She maintains offices in Hewlett and Flatbush.
Dvorah received post graduate training in Emotionally Focused Couple
Therapy and Gestalt therapy. She can be reached at (516) 660-7157.