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Mind Body and Soul
Marlene Greenspan, MA, LPC

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Open reader view Abandonment – When Loved Ones Pass

Marlene Greenspan, MA, LPC

May 28th, 2014

Death, at any age, means painful finality. Whether the deceased was a friend, spouse, sibling, parent or child, the loss of this dear person is permanent and the ones left behind feel abandoned and alone. There is no further opportunity to share thoughts, experiences, ideas and apologies. No further opportunity to be companions along the way. The loved person is here no longer and that conclusiveness is all-encompassing.

This realization of finality usually surfaces after all the other feelings that come with dealing with death have been expressed, including denial, anger, and so on. There is a certain helplessness and hopelessness to feeling abandoned that seems to stretch on into a dismal future. When that loved person leaves, there is a big hole left in one’s heart. And the longer the relationship with the departed was, the deeper the pain.

No matter how old an individual is when a parent passes, the child still feels forsaken and deserted. In most instances, young children will be able to adapt to the absence of a parent, depending on how the person’s life continues. At first the pain is very great and extremely difficult to contemplate. “Where is Mommy?” “Why isn’t Daddy coming home?” are heard frequently among young children. If the child is fortunate, there is another parent and positive family or hired helpers to keep the children’s lives going as smoothly as possible. On the other end of the spectrum, if the child is not as fortunate, the family is broken up and the child is raised by cold, sometimes even hurtful, individuals. Then it is strength of mind and heartfelt courage that somehow help the child grow up until he can support himself. Of course, the age of the child when the parent passes determines a lot of what follows in his/her life and choices.

What about the older child? Is it easier when a parent dies when the child is almost an adult, or already an older adult? These people are considered old enough to cope, yet inside they may be suffering even more than younger children, who frequently accept the parent’s loss and go on with their experiences as part of healing.A big difference between younger and older people in dealing with loss has to do with helplessness. A young child is helpless and depends on the adults around him to take care of him and his needs. An adult is basically self-sufficient physically, although he may have emotional needs that cannot be discerned immediately and that need tending. The feeling of being abandoned exerts itself gradually and steadily. Judaism prepares individuals to heal the grief within slowly, in five stages, from the time between death and burial to the first three days of shivah, to the rest of shivah, to shloshim, and to the end of the first year. For those who need more help, psychologists have found that the rawest part of grieving takes 3 to 5 years. It does not take away the scar of loss, but that time period strengthens healing feelings.

While it is not possible for this loss to be reversed, there are many things an individual can do to mitigate the pain. One comfort is that, as time goes on, the pain dulls and good memories come to the surface. Laughter and warm feelings in those stories come to replace the pain because those memories remain as long as an individual chooses to keep them. As long as an individual has a purpose, his/her life continues.

One thing to remember is that these experiences occurred in the past and cannot be repeated. Time moves on and so must individuals. It does not hurt to remember, as long as one does not stay locked in the past. People who have lost children, spouses, siblings or parents sometimes set up regular donations or foundations to fund research into devastating illnesses or traumatic and unexpected accidents. In this way, they can enjoy memories of their loved one and move on into the future without sentencing themselves to be trapped in a very sad past.

Of course, adults understand (for the most part) that they are not abandoned by choice when someone passes from illness, trauma, or in the natural end of their days. It is just that mourners have neither expected to be in that position so soon nor thought they would feel the loss as such wrenching pain. There are many different places that one can receive assistance in getting balanced again once a loved one has passed, and many therapists specialize in helping people get past the hardest part of their grief.

One man tells the story of how as his last day of shivah came to a close, he had a dream of his wife giving him an important message: “Jack, look at this road that I’m showing you. It’s the path I have to take now. I’ll come back from time to time to see how you are doing, but this is where I have to go right now.” Although the man felt very lonely, he understood that he had his own path to follow from then on.

For everyone whose time has not yet come, it is just a matter of learning to cope with the greatest challenge of all. Help is available for those who want it.

Marlene Greenspan, MA, LPC is currently in private practice and the director of Counseling for Better Living. Formerly in the yeshiva system for many years, she has taught, created social skills programs, written weekly Counseling Corner articles, given workshops, and published professional articles for Nefesh, ACA, ASCA, and the OU, among others. She can be reached at [email protected]

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