Shloimy looks lovingly and tenderly over at Rochel, his kallah. He has awaited this moment his whole life. He cannot believe how blessed he is to have found such a sweet and understanding person. He can't wait one minute more til they can be alone at last and share their future together. Rochel is just as eager to wed Shloimy. His kind eyes and empathetic smile make her feel safe at last. She can finally escape the insanity of her family's house and begin a new journey filled with hope and possibilities for a happy new life.

Three years and two little neshamalas later Shloimy and Rochel want a divorce. Neither one of them can stand being in the same room with the other. Just the mention of their spouse brings up a cascade of venimous anecdotes sure to convince any innocent bystander that their partner is an evil, selfish beast who must be destroyed at all costs. They are equal in their hatred and disdain for one another. They cannot fathom how H could have brought them to such a horrible condition. Each is angry, hurt, disappointed, frustrated, and deeply broken. The future for their little kids is looking terribly bleak.

What happened? How could such a couple who began with such a feeling of connection and desire descend into such an emotional abyss permeated by emptiness and hopelessness?

Shloimy and Rochel came back from their week of sheva brochos a little nervous. Each for differing reasons. The wedding night had been less than expected for both of them. Though each was told that that was to be expected it still took it's emotional toll. Shloimy became uncomfortable with Rochel's apparent suffering from their liason. Rochel was shocked and dismayed at how insensitive and selfish Shloimy had seemed. Both were left hurting and confused and yet shied away from any frank discussion on the subject.

Rochel said nothing because she did not want to criticize her new husband and risk his rejection of her. Shloimy said nothing hoping things would sort themselves out on their own.

The next week when they eat over at the shviger's house, Shloimy's mom notices that the couple seems a little distant from one another. She figures they are still getting to know each other and says nothing to her son. Rochel's mom thinks her daughter looks so beautiful and put together in her new outfits and expensive new jewelry that she doesn't even notice her daughter's sad expressions.

In the months that follow Shloimy will find more and more reasons to stay late at Bais Medrash. Rochel will whine and complain about little matters. Each will believe that they are fine and doing right by their marriage. Neither will understand that they have both embarked on a downward emotional spiral that will spin them both out into a marriage counselor's office or worse, into divorce court.

Unresolved hurt, like an unseen tapeworm, festers and grows larger if not treated properly. It will not go away on its own. Inevitably in any relationship partner A will say or do something to hurt partner B. B feeling vulnerable and fearing more hurt represses such an uncomfortable feeling and opts for a more empowering emotion, like anger. The anger feels better and so B is not scared. Soon B will hurt A using anger or avoidance or passive/aggressive behavior. Then A, feeling vulnerable and hurt will replace the pain with the shield of anger and retaliate. Voila, we have an emotional train wreck quickly heading our way.

The best way to avoid this scenario or to fix it once it's begun is to learn the skills of communication. Communication is not merely the use of language and the expression of ideas. It is an entire methodology that can ameliorate the suffering caused by heartache. There is a skill to sharing an idea with another that does not put the listener on the defensive. There is skill in listening that detects what is not being said but vital to understanding the core values of a speaker. We all need to master the art of apologizing and the art of forgiving if we are to develop healthy relationships. Finally we must learn how to negotiate and compromise for the good of all. In couples therapy, if one person wins, which means the other person loses, the relationship is in jeopardy. 

Unbridled hurt over time will create such hatred and animosity that any feelings of love get buried or destroyed altogther. The good news is that most often, with proper help, relationships can be saved and reset on a better course. The best advice I can share to safeguard your emotional future, and the future of generations to come is to learn the skills of communication. A good place to start is to log onto Torah Anytime and listen to The Marriage Lecture by R. Shimon Kessin. Free CDs of this lecture are available by calling 718 338-0748.

Reizl Kessin MHC is available for counseling at 718 951-7042. She lectures and conducts workshops on communication skills, assertiveness training and many other topics and will respond to inquiries at [email protected].