Lili Grun, LCSW
Rabbi Richard Louis Price M.D.



The theme of boundaries is woven throughout Jewish culture. This theme is apparent in the first human action. Adam delineated between human and animal, and created a boundary of identity for each animal through naming. Avraham was called  haIvri  (“the one from the other side”) because he distinguished himself from others, standing one side of a spiritual divide and speaking a different language. Boundaries in space and time are found in our most important texts. Most notable, the boundary between Shabbat and chol. In addition to the spiritual benefits, having a day of rest allows us to be more effective. We post our most holy text, the Shema, on the boundaries of our home. Concepts like hevdel, hefsek, eruv, mechitzah, aveira guide our daily life, drawing defining boundaries: parent-child, husband-wife, teacher-student, employer-employee.
Lines you draw between yourself and others create a solid sense of who you are, and your role in different settings. They give you the opportunity to communicate firmly what you believe, are willing to accept  and expect to be treated. Boundaries serve the important job of protecting you, bringing a sense of order and predictability, especially if people in your life change their demands frequently, or act manipulatively. Many boundaries for everyday life are already outlined to us by the Torah and Gemara; we have only to fine-tune.
Boundaries benefit those with whom we interact, allowing us to fulfill the mitzvah of “Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.” They give others a feel for who you are…a healthy closeness, making for simpler relationships with less drama. Many of our depressed, anxious feelings stem from feeling helpless. This limits our ability to contribute to relationships.
 

Types of Boundaries

Physical boundaries are the amount of physical personal space you feel comfortable having between you and another. The laws of negiah and tznius help us with this. This can be communicated in words (expressing to a person that they are too close and you don’t feel comfortable) or with body language, (moving). We communicate physical boundaries to children so they are not vulnerable to inappropriate touching. Requesting privacy is a physical boundary. A person violating a physical boundary may do so forcefully (abuse), or subtly, such as sitting so close as to touch you. Who touches you and how must be your choice. Too much distance or absence of touch from a loved one may also be a physical boundary issue. Perhaps that person has withdrawn for reasons you need to discuss in a respectful, loving way.

 
Setting emotional boundaries requires respecting your own feelings. This will help you respect those of others. They are set when we draw the line firmly and respectfully on listening to another’s problems, when we agree to listen only when one uses an appropriate tone, when we make clear what subjects we feel comfortable discussing. Refusing to accept demanding or needy behavior is an example of an emotional boundary. Not accepting accusatory or “pinning” behavior (e.g. getting pinned with “you don’t like me”) is a way of maintaining the emotional boundary between yourself and one whose emotional world is like a watercolor painting that runs all over.


Flexibility and Boundaries
Limits can be flexible. What is important is not to be so flexible that people get an inconsistent message. On the other hand, when boundaries are very rigid, peo¬ple may view you as uncaring. You may lose out on the benefits of closeness with others. If you are doing this, you may want to explore your “if…then…” thinking. It may go something like, “If I let people get close, then I risk rejection.” Fear may be limiting you.
You may choose to make temporary exceptions to personal limits. For example, your friend is having financial problems and asks if she could borrow the gown you had made last year for your sister’s wedding. You may ordinarily tell her you don’t feel comfortable lending it. But because this is an exceptional circumstance, you say yes. The key to setting aside a boundary is that you feel in control of this choice and able to handle the consequences. The laws of tzedakah give us room to tighten boundaries as needed. We treat a stranger’s request for tzedakah differently at a time when our close friend cannot pay his rent.


How do I set Boundaries?
Nourishing ingredients that make us strong enough to set boundaries include self- worth, self-trust, self-care and an ability to listen to that inner voice of loving kindness (which means turning down the volume on the self-judging voice). Boundaries grow from a belief that what you want, need, dislike are important. A first step is asking yourself questions, like: What feels both good and appropriate? What feels bad/overwhelming? Do boundaries need to be firmed up with specific people? What will I say no to?  What limit-setting will help me be a better Jew?  You will not be able to simply draw up your own personal “bill of rights” standing on one foot. Setting limits requires getting to know yourself. Or, it may happen the other way; you experience what “violated” feels like and then “get” where that boundary line is for you.  
A big challenge in setting boundaries is using them for the purpose of self-care rather than for controlling or changing another. Set limits on your behavior, such as deciding not to answer certain questions. This way, you feel in control. You are not relying on the other person changing.

Communicating boundaries
Briefly, specifically describe the situation that made you uncomfortable. Avoid accusations or drama. Describe how you felt (not how the person “made you feel”). Do not read the persons mind (i.e. don’t tell them why they did what they did). For example: “Yesterday you called me. I said I have meetings all day and cannot speak until tomorrow. You called me six more times. I felt uncomfortable. If I say I cannot speak today, please respect that.” Other easy formulas include: “I prefer,”  “I do not feel comfortable with,”  “I am unable to.”  


How do I know if my Boundaries are not firm?
If you don’t have solid answers to the questions above, this may be a sign you have not set limits. Without strong boundaries, you are likely feeling uncomfortable. You may have taken on responsibilities that don’t feel like your own. You may feel emotions that originally were felt by the other person (are you feeling someone else’s anxiety, perfectionism?)  Reviewing the way you respond to others, you may see no consistency, which may indicate that you are being swayed by their needs rather than a sense of your own boundaries.  


Factors that May Get in the Way of Setting Proper Limits
 Moshe Rabeinu took the wise advice of Yitro to answer only certain types of shailos. This decision was as much about self-care as it was about efficiency. Those who have difficulty with self-care may have a hard time setting limits. Boundaries are rooted in beliefs about what we deserve. Those who feel undeserving will have boundaries that reflect this. Importantly, boundaries grow from a sense of identity; knowing what suits you. People with weak identities may have weak boundaries. Those with identities that exist only as a reflection of someone else’s behavior (“I am good only when I am praised”) may have boundaries that insure they only get praise. Holding on to a familiar but inappropriate identity from your formative years, such as “caretaker” may lead to boundaries that prevent you from being anything else (like “friend” or “boss”). We sometimes set boundaries that ensure we experience the opposite of what we experienced previously. One who experienced abandonment may have boundaries that ensure (sometimes inappropriate) closeness to others. If setting or maintaining limits is difficult, the support of a therapist may be helpful. An answer to the age old question of ‘why do therapists insist on boundaries?’ is because much of our work is in the areas of self-care and limit-setting. Modeling these skills is an integral part of helping others.  

The special nature of the Jewish community is that we are all interconnected, opening our homes, giving of ourselves and supporting each other. Creating and maintaining personal limits allows us to balance the middos of chesed and gevurah.  Properly bounding and restraining ourselves reaps many more benefits than unbridled giving. Boundary-setting should not be a source of guilt. To the contrary, this self-care allows us to refresh our energies so we can give of ourselves more effectively. The result is a beautiful coexistence with those we care about.




Lili Grun, LCSW is a graduate of Columbia University School of Social Work. She presents nationally on topics in psychiatric research and psychotherapy practice. She practices social work in Monsey, NY.